Jeans

      ashish-jeans

      This is why we prefer dresses.

      As our officers parade the mean streets of the Internet’s retail sites, in search of fashion crimes to arrest, there are some types of clothing which are more likely than others to set our radar pinging. We could trawl dress or outerwear sections all day, for instance, and rarely see anything too unusual. Hit up the trousers section, however (Or the jumpsuits section, if there is one – oh lord, the things we’ve seen in jumpsuit sections!) and often we’ll end up having to call in reinforcements. It’s THAT bad. We’ve no idea why it is that trousers, jeans and jumpsuits seem to be that bit more likely to be crimes of fashion, but it’s true. Here are some recent…

      cheap-monday

      Crimes Against Denim from Cheap Monday

      [Buy them here] Imagine, if you will, that you’re wearing your very favourite pair of black skinny jeans. OK, they’re starting to look a little bit grey and worn, but that’s OK, because it just makes them look even better. Some people actually PAY to buy brand new jeans that look like they’ve been worn to death, but you’re no fashion victim, so you’ve worn yours in the old-fashioned way: by actually, you know, wearing them. Some people still do that, apparently. But we digress. There you are, wearing your favourite jeans, when – horror of horrors! – you spill a can of white paint ALL OVER THEM. (Don’t ask us what you were doing painting in your favourite jeans:…

      ripped jeans

      Please make it stop.

      This is a joke, right? Please, someone tell us this is a joke: we’re not sure we can handle the idea of a world in which people will willingly hand over £116 in order to wear jeans that look like they’re only just managing to hold themselves together. Seriously, if you really MUST make yourself look like this, at least rip up an old pair of jeans you no longer have any use for: it still won’t look good, but at least it won’t feel like taking your money and throwing it down the drain. In comparison to the above, that whole ’70s-revival’ we’ve been talking about is actually starting to sound pretty good. Oh no, sorry, our mistake: it’s…

      suspender jeans

      Crime of Fashion? Suspender jeans

      It’s our first arrest of 2015, and we really hope this one hasn’t set the tone for the year, because we just don’t think our officers could cope with more than one pair of “suspender” jeans. Actually, it’s hard enough to believe there’s a demand for this pair. They’re $450 for one thing (And that’s the sale price, by the way – they WERE $750), and also, well, LOOK AT THEM. This fashion crime is particularly amusing to us, because one of our very first arrests (We can’t seem to locate it in the archive, and that’s probably a good thing, trust us…) involved a pair of jeans not unlike these in concept, but which were clearly a bad DIY…

      ripped-jeans

      Style Trial | Unusually embellished denim

      We realise we’re fighting a losing battle here, but we firmly believe that denim is almost always at its best when its kept nice and simple. We don’t object to a bit of distressing, and it might surprise you to know that we don’t even TOTALLY hate the look of ripped jeans. (Just as long as it’s not taken to ridiculous levels…) What we can’t really bring ourselves to love, however, is THIS kind of thing: House of Holland ripped jeans, £195 Now, we’ve seen worse, we’ll give you that. Especially from House of Holland. In fact, to be completely honest, these are really quite restrained from House of Holland. They’re also veering dangerously close to ‘subtle clown costume’ territory,…

      ripped-knee-jeans

      Crime of Fashion? Ripped knee jeans take over

      Ripped jeans have been around since… well, probably since the first person who ripped their jeans by accident and thought, “Hey, this doesn’t look half bad! Kind of edgy and fashion-forward, in fact: I’ll keep wearing these, by God!” There is, however, more than one way for jeans to be distressed (There’s more than one way for The Fashion Police to be distressed, too, actually: this blog is proof of that!), and we’re sure you can’t have failed to notice that the current most popular way looks like this: All jeans: Topshop One very narrow, very precise slit, cut right across the knee of each leg, while the rest of the denim remains untouched. They’re ripped-knee jeans, and they’re everywhere:…

      worst-denim

      The Worst Denim of 2013

      Good morning Fashion Police officers! With the Christmas holiday fast approaching, we expect those of you with some time-off booked for this week will be feeling pretty de-mob happy by now: we know we are! Rather than get to work hunting down brand new crimes of fashion, then, we figured we’d leave that until next year, and continue our look back through the 2013 archives instead. Today, it’s the turn of our old friend – and occasional foe – denim. The one fabric we should be able to depend on when we don’t know what else to wear, denim can be a very, very good thing indeed. However, it can also be very, very bad, and those are the times…

      ugly-jeans

      Jailed Jeans: some recent denim arrests

      For many of us, jeans are a wardrobe staple: the kind of item that forms the basis of tons of great outfits, and which requires very little thought to style. For others, however, jeans are a one-way ticket straight to Fashion Police jail: here are some denim disasters which caught the attention of our officers recently… Shield jeans, £135 Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it some kind of denim-clad superhero, out to save the world from ugly jeans – presumably by wearing them herself? All of these options would make much more sense than the truth, which is that this is simply a pair of jeans with super-wide legs, roughly hemmed down the sides to create…

      busted-knees

      Crime of Fashion? ASOS busted knee jeans

      ASOS busted knee jeans, £32 When we asked you for your thoughts on boyfriend jeans earlier this week, a couple of you commented that while you don’t mind the style of them, you’re not so keen on deliberately distressed denim. We’d have to concur with that: while we don’t mind a little bit of distressing on a casual pair of jeans, we definitely wouldn’t want to pay a lot of money for a look we can easily achieve just by rummaging around in the back of the closet until we find that old pair of jeans that have seen better days, but which we keep around just in case we decide to do a bit of DIY or gardening in…

      bf

      Style Trial | Boyfriend jeans

      While the skinny still reigns supreme in the world of denim, this year skintight styles have found themselves a rival in the saggy, baggy shape of boyfriend jeans: Boyfriend jeans available at Shopbop Boyfriend jeans, of course, aren’t a new thing, so we very much doubt you’ll need us to tell you that they are exactly what they sound like: not your ACTUAL boyfriend’s jeans, but simply jeans that are designed to LOOK like they belong to your boyfriend. The idea is to create that , “Gosh, aren’t I cute, just wandering around in my boyfriend’s clothes!” look, so the jeans in question are intentionally oversized, slouchy and often (although not always) a little more distressed than regular jeans tend…

      two-tone-mom-jeans

      Mom jeans go two-tone at Topshop

      Well, looks like Topshop are still trying to make “mom” jeans happen: [Get them here] (Disclaimer: last time we talked about “mom” jeans, some ACTUAL moms got offended and thought we were trying to imply they didn’t know how to dress themselves. There was a lot of “I’m a mom, and I would NEVER wear these: YOU SUCK FOR SAYING THAT, Fashion Police!” Just for the avoidance of doubt, let the record show that “mom jeans” is a term used to describe a particular style of jeans: ones with a high waist, a tapered leg, and often in some kind of dated wash, like acid wash, for instance. No moms were harmed in the making of these jeans, we promise!)…

      jeans with sweater tied around the waist

      Stuck-Together-Clothes Crimes: Phillip Lim pants with attached sweater

      Phillip Lim jeans, $595 Just in case you hadn’t realised, the 90s grunge look is currently going through a bit of a revival, and with it comes that “look, I’ve casually tied a sweater around my waist!” look showcased in the image above. Of course, there’s nothing inherently wrong with tying a sweater (Or, better yet, a lumberjack shirt…) around your waist. In fact, sometimes it’s the most convenient way to carry such an item at times when it all-of-a-sudden becomes too warm to wear it, but you want to keep your hands free for something else. It happens. We wouldn’t describe it as the cutting edge of style, exactly, but… it happens. And now it’s “trendy”, which means that…

      shoes to wear with skinny jeans

      Style SOS: Which shoes to wear with skinny jeans?

      The post ‘What shoes to wear with skinny jeans‘ has been moved to our sister site, ShoeperWoman.com – please click here to read it! All shoes: Shopbop No one likes the “cankles” effect, and wearing shoes designed to chop the leg in half at the ankle are a really easy way to create cankles where they don’t exist. This becomes even more of an issue with jeans which hug the ankles anyway, which is why so many people have trouble working out which shoes will look good with skinny jeans, and which ones will create the dreaded “golf club” effect. ShoeperWoman helps solve that dilemma with some skinny jeans styling suggestions. If you’re looking for some posts to read here…

      double denim

      DYDDD: Do You Do Double Denim?

      Officers, it’s time to re-open the double denim debate: Both outfits: ZARA In the past, we’ve always dismissed double denim as an automatic crime of fashion. After a couple of failed attempts at becoming “trendy”, however, this year the Texas Tuxedo (or Canadian Tuxedo, depending where you come from) has actually started to gain a foothold on the world of fashion, and is starting to be seen here, there and, well, everywhere, basically. The two looks above were styled by the people at Zara (Well, we say “styled”: it’s actually not that hard to throw on a pair of jeans and a denim shirt, but hey…), but they’re far from the only brand currently pushing double denim as the casual…

      topshop-dungarees-364x546

      Trend Trial: Dungarees

      DUNGAREES: the word alone is enough to strike fear into a Fashion Police’ officer’s beating heart. We’ve made no secret of our dislike of the bib overall – or “dungas” as Vogue likes to call them. To us, they’re a really easy way to look like an overgrown toddler, or alternatively, like a farm boy, and while we have nothing against either toddlers or farm boys, we’d rather leave that particular look to them, thanks very much. With dungarees – sorry, “dungas” – being touted as one of the big fashion trends of the year, however, and the stores we love slowly starting to fill up with denim overalls, we figured it was time to re-visit that opinion, and ask…

      jeans

      How much would you pay for…the perfect jeans?

      The perfect jeans: they’re one of the Holy Grails of fashion, and they’re almost as difficult to find, too. In fact, if we were given the choice between a quest for the Grail, and a quest for the perfect jeans, we’d probably choose the former. Well, at least we’d get to see a bit of the world that way: when you’re searching for a new pair of jeans, all you get to see is the inside of a lot of sweaty changing rooms. Given the difficulty of the task at hand, then, today we begin a short series of polls in which we aim to find out just how much you typically spend on those so-called “basics”. Of course, this…

      ombre jeans in acid wash

      Ombre jeans at ASOS: Crime of Fashion?

      Late last week, The Fashion Police spotted these ombre jeans over at ASOS. We’re pretty sure they’re a crime of fashion, but what do YOU think? Let’s take a look at the evidence, shall we? Ombre jeans: a crime of fashion? The ombre trend has been around for a while now. It started out with hair, and seemed like a great excuse for everyone to give up hair dye and just let their roots grow out in the name of fashion. Then it spread to clothes. We’ve seen ombre applied to just about every item you can think of, and this definitely isn’t the worst pair of ombre jeans we’ve seen. We do think they could be one of the…

      Marc by Marc Jacobs polka dot jprint eans

      Gimme 5: Polka dot print jeans

      Five pairs of polka dot print jeans, coming up… Polka dot print jeans have been around for a couple of seasons now (and, of course, polka dots are a print that never really die…) but while last year’s look was all bold, black and white dots, this year the trend has taken a slightly more subtle turn: think faded denim, faded dots, and a smaller, more subtle print. This is mostly being applied to blue jeans rather than coloured ones, although you’ll find polka dots on all kinds of denim, if you look hard enough. If you’re looking for the kind of dot print jeans described above, however, you don’t have to worry, because we’ve done the looking for you….

      skinny wide leg jeans hybrid

      Can’t decide between skinny jeans and wide-leg jeans?

        Can’t decide whether to wear skinny jeans or wide-leg jeans? Well, now you don’t have to! With this cunning combination of skinny and wide, you can have the worst of both worlds: skinny from the front, slouchy from the back! They’re the mullet of the denim world, and they’re just £235 at Yoox.com. We think we’re going to call them “winny jeans”. WIde/skINNY? No? [Buy them]

      mom jeans

      Topshop try to make mom jeans happen

      “Wow!” we thought when this item first crossed our fashion radar, “Those look like MOM JEANS! It must just be the angle of the photo, though, for surely the pinnacle of modern fashion that is Topshop would not be trying to foist MOM JEANS upon its unsuspecting shoppers?” Buy they ARE mom jeans. Deliberately so. It even says it in the product description, look: As you can see, “acid mom” is a thing now too, apparently. Which is… yeah. So: mom jeans. Now, we know a lot of women who ARE moms take offence at this term, and rightly so. It’s not like moms can’t be stylish, after all. It’s not like becoming a mother means you have to throw…

      skinny jeans with lattice sides

      Crime of Fashion: Skinny acid-wash jeans with lattice sides

      There are so many things wrong with these jeans we’re just amazed they’re not being worn with a pair of peep toe boots. Then again, perhaps the stylist figured the crime was such a blatant one, we wouldn’t need the Peep Toe Boot Rule to be able to identify it? Of all of the things that boggle our minds about these jeans, though, the one we keep coming back to right now is how much worse they’d look with blue-tinged, gooseflesh legs peeking out from the “lattice” part. Because how on earth could you wear them at this time of year without freezing your ass – and legs – off? [Buy them]

      How old is too old for skinny jeans?

      Style SOS: How old is too old for skinny jeans?

      This week, a lot of you have been finding The Fashion Police after asking Google the question, “How old is too old for skinny jeans?” It seems a lot of you are suddenly wondering if it’s time to hang up your jeans, so let us try to put you out of your misery and work out just how old IS too old for this particular look, anyway? For us, this question, and, indeed, any other fashion-related question beginning with the phrase “How old is too old for…” can be answered fairly easily: You’re too old for <insert fashion trend here> when it no longer looks good or feels comfortable. It’s a simple and as difficult as that, really. There’s no…

      crime of fashion

      Modelling is Hard: Maison Martin Margiela edition

      This outfit is one of those things that just gets stranger, and more confusing, the longer you look at it. At first you think it’s just a simple pair of jeans and a turtleneck sweater, and who could possibly object to that? Then you notice that although the model’s head has been cut off (Not by us, we hasten to add. Our officers are authorised to use force if necessary when arresting fashion criminals  but not THAT much force…), whoever did it has failed to disguise that the turtleneck comes all the way up to her eyes: How can she breathe under there? How can she hear? Or speak? Does her union rep know about any of this? Then you realise…

      90s jeans

      Cheap Monday tries to bring back 90s jeans

      Cheap Monday describe these as “mega 90s jeans“. Now, it might just be us, but The Fashion Police lived through the 90s, and, indeed, wore jeans for much of that decade, and we don’t remember seeing many people walking around like this. Then again, The Fashion Police have never been edgy or “bang on trend”, so that might be why. And, OK, the high waistband is definitely very 90s. One thing’s for sure: if you weren’t a pear shape at the start of that decade, you would have been one by the end of it: or at least, until you took your jeans off, that is. It’s just… we don’t remember 90s jeans being this unflattering, can you? And if…

      baggy jeans

      Foot Snatcher Claims more victims at Zara

      Oh, COME ON, Zara. Come on. Look, we know you like your super-long inseams. We know you do. We’ve also heard it said that you do it, not to annoy those of us who are less than 7″ tall (which is the height some of your clothes seem to be cut for), but because you want your customers to be able to hem their pants to the perfect length for them. Well, OK, we see where you’re coming from with that. There’s a lot to be said for having clothes tailored, and maybe if more people did it, we’d have fewer fashion criminals in our cells. The thing is, though, not everyone has the time/money/inclination to have everything altered. Sometimes…

      Ugly jeans by D&G

      Do our thighs look big in this?

      Word to the wise, folks: when even the model looks like the lower half of her body has been stolen from someone else, it’s probably not a flattering look. Actually scratch that: when your jeans are tapered at the ankle, but voluminous in the thigh?  It’s DEFINITELY not a flattering look. Is it a crime of fashion, though? [Buy them | More ugly jeans from The Fashion Police]

      90s jeans

      Chloe tries to bring back 90s jeans

      We’re not ready for a 90s fashion revival. We’re just not. And if you need to know why not, just read this. This is why we were particularly disturbed to see these Chloe jeans as we scrolled through the new arrivals at the Ssense website this morning. “Why, those look like jeans from the 90s!” we thought. “We can just see Monica and Rachel wearing them on the sofa in Central Perk!” And, indeed, this 90s vibe is deliberate on the part of Chloe, with Ssense themselves describing these as “90s jeans”. Uh-oh. We know many of you hate skinny jeans, and despair of the way they’ve overtaken the denim landscape for the best part of the last decade. But…

      polka dot and stripe jeans

      Style Trial: River Island polka dot and stripe ankle grazer jeans

      The Fashion Police love polka dots. We also love stripes. We’re not even averse to the odd bit of pattern-mixing, provided it’s done right. Are these River Island jeans the right way to mix patterns, though? With one spotty leg and one stripey one, they’re either the best of both worlds, or twice as ugly as they need to be, depending on your opinion. What IS your opinion on these? Are they innocent or guilty of committing crimes of fashion? [Click here to buy them]

      Motel Jordan rainbow jeans

      Motel Jordan Skinny Jean in Rainbow Fade Print

      Bright enough for ya? Brightly coloured denim has been a trend for a couple of years now, but if you’ve been unable to make up your mind which colour to go for, worry not: Motel Rocks have made it possible to wear six of them at once, thanks to their ‘Jordan’ skinny jeans in rainbow print. Will you, though? Wear all of these colours at once, we mean? Or are you currently reaching for your sunglasses and muttering to yourself about how you really need a warning before being exposed to this kind of thing so early in the morning? (The Fashion Police accept no responsibility for damage to the retinas caused by the jeans in this post.) [Click here…

      drop crotch jeans

      At least she won’t have to worry about camel toe

      On a guy, we might have been grudgingly impressed that he actually needed all that room in the crotch. On a girl, though, we just like to amuse ourselves by imagining that if she removed these, her body would be exactly the same shape underneath. You can’t un-see it now, can you? This is why we’ve sworn to bring death to the drop-crotch. Humans just aren’t meant to be this shape, people! [Click here to buy them]

      bloodstained jeans

      Crime of Fashion: The Bloodbath Jeans

      When the product description refers to “tie dye jeggings” you know it’s not going to be pretty – but nothing could have prepared our officers for the scene of carnage that met them when they were dispatched to investigate Denimocracy’s jeggings in the early hours of this morning. We don’t know what these jeans did to deserve the bloodbath they were apparently involved in, but we do know our officers will require counselling to allow them to come to terms with what they witnessed here. It’s a bloody mess, basically, isn’t it? [Product Page]  

      Citizens of Humanity floral print jeans

      Style on Trial: Floral print jeans

      So, floral print: summer-staple, super-feminine, blah blah blah. You can fill in the rest yourselves, can’t you? Florals appear at around about this time every year (“Florals? For Spring? Groundbreaking.”) and we know from experience that while some of you just can’t get enough of them, some of you can’t even read the WORD “floral” without starting to type the word “granny” or “curtains”. What about floral denim, though? Not a new idea, obviously, but we spotted these Citizens of Humanity floral skinnies at Shopbop this week, and couldn’t decide whether they were cute, or whether they looked like pyjama pants. What do you think?

      Pyjama jeans for men

      Pyjama Jeans: Now With Added Boxers

      This dude is wearing his pyjamas. Yes, we know they look like a reasonably ugly pair of jeans, they are, in fact, pyjama jeans. “Well, what of it, Fashion Police?” we hear you say. “He’s in his own home, and it’s not like we’ve never heard of pyjama jeans before: and at least he’ll be able to wear them to the supermarket without being thrown out!” All of this is true. The pyjama jean, however, is the start of a slippery slope towards a life of fashion crime. Here is where that slope ends: Pyjama jeans… with built-in boxers. So you can have the LOOK of saggy, underwear-revealing jeans, without having to actually WEAR saggy, underwear revealing jeans. Quite why you’d want to…

      jeans with fur pockets

      Arrested: Dsquared ‘Kenny’ fur pocket jeans

      DSquared2 apparently thought these jeans looked like a “Kenny”. We think they look like their wearer rolled around in roadkill, but maybe that’s just us: if you think it is, and you’re willing to pay £1000 to look like YOU rolled around in roadkill too, you can click here to buy these from Louisa Via Roma.

      Jeans with print on legs

      Denim Crimes: 90s style jeans by Seven Paris

      If you were alive during the 90s – and old enough to actually remember it – you may recall the terrible trend for cartoon-print jeans. Or, of course, you may have successfully managed to erase this memory from your mind, due to the sheer trauma of it. God knows, we’ve tried to. We may even have succeeded, too, if it wasn’t for the appearance of these “hilarious” jeans on our radar early this week. In addition to the high-waited style and dated stone wash, these also come with what looks like the words “BAM!” – although, honestly, it looks more like “PAM” to us. Who IS “Pam”? – and “WAOO!” printed on the leg. WE KNOW. Why would you want…

      Cheap Monday jeans in black and blue

      Black and Blue: Cheap Monday jeans for when you just can’t decide

      Some days you want to wear black jeans, and some days you want to wear blue jeans. And some days you want to wear black jeans AND blue jeans, and you’re just not willing to choose one over the other. Those are the days you turn to Cheap Monday, and their jeans which are both black AND blue, like a bruise. Or like the 80s, because that’s not so much “blue” as it is “marble wash”. So, basically, you’ll have one leg in 1987, and the other in 2011. Isn’t that the dream? If it’s your dream, click here to view them up close. If it’s NOT your dream, just be grateful we got to them before they could cause…

      Different types of jeans ranging from skinny to flared

      Denim Wars: What’s your favourite type of jeans?

       (All jeans shown: River Island) One, two, three, four, we declare a denim war! Yesterday we talked about how bootcut jeans are kicking skinnies in the denim ass as far as eBay sales are concerned. Today we want to introduce some other types of jeans into the fray, and start a full-scale denim war. Imagine armies of jeans, all battling for dominance. Who will win? YOU DECIDE! (Sorry, we thought we were on Big Brother for a second there…) The question is simple: WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE TYPE OF JEAN? To make it simpler still, we’ve included a poll. Please feel free to elaborate on your vote in the comments, so we can all argue over something as trivial as denim….

      Bootcut jeans are more popular than skinny jeans

      Bootcut jeans are more popular than skinnies, says eBay

      Remember bootcut jeans? Of course you do. In fact, chances are you still have at least one pair squirrelled away somewhere, and even although the skinny still reigns supreme in the denim world – for now – you’re hoping the day will come when we can all toss those tight jeans aside and get back into bootcut. Maybe that day has already come for you? Maybe you never made the switch to skinny, and have clung onto your trusty bootcuts, regardless of the vagaries of fashion trends telling you it’s time to get into wide legs, flares, or any other cut of denim. Jennifer Aniston is still wearing bootcuts, after all, so why shouldn’t you? How do we know all this? Well,…

      two-size-ugly-jeans

      Fashion Police Top Five: Ugly Jeans

      The Fashion Police jail is just crammed full of ugly items of clothing, some of which our new readers may never get to see, they’re buried so deep in our archives (Which, you could argue, is where they truly belong). Today, though, we’re taking some of them out and letting them have a quick stroll around the exercise yard before locking them back up again. And we’re starting off with our ugly jeans section. Now jeans, as we’ve mentioned before, are one of those items which can be either very, very good, or very, very bad, with every little room for middle ground. So jeans are either perfectly unobjectionable, or as ugly as sin. Here, in no particular order, are five of the pairs…

      jeggings

      In Praise of Jeggings. No, really.

      (L-R: Citizens of Humanity, Goldsign) OK, we’re just going to come out and say this, even although we know it’ll probably be controversial: We don’t hate jeggings. OK, sure, when they first came out, we made fun of the name, we admit it. And we did have our concerns that jeggings would be used simply as an excuse for people to try and circumvent the Leggings Are Not Pants Rule. (Just to be clear, this climbdown on jeggings doesn’t change our minds about leggings and their status as pants. Leggings are not pants, never have been, never will be. Not while The Fashion Police have breath in our bodies, anyway.) But look at the two examples above. Admit it, you…

      dolce-and-gabbana-lace-jeans

      Don’t Mess With Denim: Dolce & Gabbana’s lace jeans

      We’re sick and tired of people trying to mess with denim. LEAVE DENIM ALONE, people. It doesn’t deserve it. Denim has done nothing to harm anyone. Well, except this girl, obviously: She’s certainly being damaged by denim. (Or rather WE are, because this image cannot be unseen now. Sorry.) It’s like it just up and attacked her one fine day, isn’t it? You could also argue, however, that it’s not denim which has damaged her, but her who has damaged the denim, and that she therefore has brought this upon herself. THIS is what happens when you mess with the natural order denim, readers.  Treat it well and it will treat you well in return. Take scissors to it and…

      turned-up-jeans

      Turned up jeans: big enough for ya?

      You know what we hate? What we really, really hate? The fact that so many pairs of jeans seem to be cut for people with the legs of a supermodel. And yes, we know we can have them hemmed. We know we can turn them up. But seriously, how many people in the world actually are supermodels? Surely not that many? That’s by-the-by, though. Because what we’d like to know is just who the hell Maison Martin Margiela had in mind when then made these jeans. Look, even the model has had to turn them all the way up to her knees! OK, we’re kidding. We know perfectly well that these were designed to be worn with turn-ups. And hey,…

      stella-mccarntey-denim

      Great outfit, Stella McCartney!

      Stella’s just messin’ with us here, isn’t she? Seriously, she can’t actually be expecting us to spend almost $1000 on these two items, which look like they might have come from Walmart in the 80s, or from your kid’s first sewing class? Can she? Really? Oh. (Click here to buy them.)

      levis-ex-girlfriend-jeans

      Fashion Police for the Boys: Levi’s Ex-Girlfriend (Super-Skinny) Jeans

      For a long time now, we women have had the “boyfriend” jean. It seems only fair that there should be some kind of male equivalent to the “hey, look, I’m wearing my partner’s clothes!” look, and luckily Levi’s have made sure there is, with their “Ex-Girlfriend” jeans for men. These are basically super-skinny jeans, almost like leggings in the narrowness of the leg and tightness of the crotch. The female version has been around for a while now (much to our readers’ dismay: super-skinnies didn’t find much favour here when we last featured them), but now we want to know what you think of the guy’s version? Would you wear Ex-Girlfriend jeans, men? Would you like to SEE your guy…

      marble wash jeans

      What’s worse than marble-wash shorts?

      Oh, for Gaga’s sake! Marble wash shorts with sheer tights? Really? We’re going to do that? Because we can’t imagine anything worse than that, really. Oh. Right. It’s like that, is it? Those shorts and tights are actually starting to look quite good now, aren’t they? (Click here to buy them)

      See by Chloe patchwork high rise skinny jeans

      See by Chloé patchwork high rise skinny jeans

      Sometimes the clue is in the title. Patchwork + high rise + skinny has got to = disaster, right? Back in 70s Britain there was a comedy show called The Good Life, on which Tom and Barbara struggled to live a sustainable lifestyle out of their own back garden. In one particularly memorable episode, Barbara decides to upcycle a couple of pairs of worn-through work trousers by patchworking bits of different trousers together… Can you see where we’re going with this? Sustainability aside, the Fashion Police are of the opinion that patchwork should be restricted to those under 4 years old. On toddlers it’s cute – everyone else should leave well enough alone. But perhaps you disagree? If so, you…

      grey denim jogger jeans

      Comfort-free comfort-wear: denim jogger jeans

      All the ugliness of joggers combined with all the stiff discomfort of jeans – yes, River Island, we can see where you were going with this one… Oh no, wait, we’re lying. What we meant to say was WHY?? Denim jogger jeans: £44.99 per pair from River Island

      Cheap Monday narrow low waist skinny jeans

      Cheap Monday jeans: For that ‘I forgot to shave my legs’ look

      At first glance we thought these were hairy jeans.  On closer inspection we can see that they are, in fact, just innocent victims of the Clothes Ripper.  Fortunately they have a quilted insert to protect the model’s innocence. But our point here is this: if we thought they were hairy jeans, so will other people on the street.  And is that really something you want people thinking when they glance at your jeans?  Is it? If it is, and you feel you need these jeans in your life, you can buy them for $87 here.

      reversible-jeans

      Reversible jeans give you two looks for the price of one

      Don’t be fooled, readers (Ha! As if our officers could ever be fooled!): that’s not two pairs of jeans you see up above, it’s just one pair of jeans, which can be turned inside out for a different look. On one side, you have a light wash, casual pair of jeans with large pockets, while on the other there’s a slightly smarter dark wash, with different pockets. A day-to-night style, if you will: wear one side during the day, then just whip ’em off and turn ’em around for the evening. The company behind these is called Salsa Fits My Life, and they suggest they’d be perfect for travel (one pair of jeans for the suitcase, two separate looks), a…

      saggy butt pants

      Saggy Butts are the New Drop-Crotch Pants

      [image removed at the request of the company] Oh dear: despite claiming that this post sent them tons of traffic and helped them sell lots of clothes (they’re the ones commenting as “Get a Life” below), Mary Meyer Clothing, who were the sellers of the item featured here, have taken great offense at the post which originally occupied this space, and threatened to set their lawyers on us unless we removed the images. We’re duly complying with that request, but will point out that this is a humour site, which doesn’t seek to cause any offense to the retailers whose products we poke gentle fun at. At the end of the day, when you set up a fashion brand, not…

      ksubi-two-tone-jeans

      Style on Trial: Ksubi Super Spray Top Deck Jeans

        The “I’ve been wading up to my thighs in mud all morning!” look. It’s, like, SO HOT right now. Or maybe not. Hot or not, hot or not: who’s to say? Well, d’uh! We’re to say, obviously. Or rather, YOU are. We’re making you the jury on this one readers, so cast your votes in the comments box: are these Ksubi jeans hot, or are they not? (Click here to buy them)

      lace jeans leggings

      When Jeans and Leggings Collide

      Well, at least they won’t give you camel toe, like regular leggings, eh? Unfortunately, that’s the only positive thing we can really say about this unholy alliance between a pair of super-skinny jeans and Madonna’s lace leggings from 1982. Can you find something good to say about them? If you can, do tell… (Click here to buy them)

      millie distressed harem jean

      Cheap but not chic: Boohoo Millie distressed harem jean

      Mom waistband? Check. Saggy crotch? Check. Baggy knees? Check. Elasticated ankles? Check. It’s like a veritable what’s what of fashion crimes in here! But seriously, folks, can these jeans even be comfortable. I mean, the baggy, diaper-crotch on harem pants is unattractive, yes, but we’re assured that the comfort factor makes up for the aesthetic limitations. Where denim is concerned we’re looking at a far stiffer fabric – more likely, surely to crease into folds and dig in. And the idea of elasticated denim digging in around the ankles? Does NOT appeal ONE BIT! In their favour, these jeans certainly do not fall into the “daylight robbery” category – at least they have a realistic sense of their own value……

      flared-jeans

      Flares make a comeback: will you be wearing them?

      Click here to buy For a long time now we’ve been bemoaning the status of the skinny jean as the ONLY choice in denim at the moment (even those of us who love them can see that a little bit of variety wouldn’t hurt every now and then), so when we heard that flares were destined to be one of the big looks of this winter, we knew right away that some of you would be ripping your skinnies off and dancing in the streets with gay abandon. Which is actually a kind of weird mental image, so moving on… The return of the flare is, of course, part of the 70s revival that’s currently hitting the fashion world, and…

      maison-martin-margiela-jeans

      Maison Martin Margiela commits crimes against jeans

      We might have been able to live with the rips. (Note: we probably wouldn’t have been, but let’s just pretend…) We might even have been OK with the duct tape. (OK, scratch that: we definitely wouldn’t have been OK with the duct tape). But when the combination of rips and tape make the jeans look so very ill-fitting and unflattering, as if the person who taped up the rips (which they just finished creating: oh, sweet irony!) paid no attention whatsoever to the way the jeans were hanging at the time, and just taped them up any old way, wrinkles and all? Well, when that happens, we’re going to want our £468 back, please, Margiela. We can make jeans look…

      levus-double-denim-romper-suit

      Levis’ ‘Texas Tuxedo’ denim romper is possibly the worst case of Stuck Together Clothes ever seen

      Yes, you read that right, readers: this is a “romper”. NOT a pair of jeans worn with a denim shirt, but a pair of jeans STUCK TO a denim shirt. WE KNOW, right? And just before we go any further here, we know fashion victims are going to come along and be all, “Oh, but double denim is, like, SO HAWT this season!” When have The Fashion Police ever bothered about such things, though? Seriously, they’re not even particularly nice jeans (not that it would be OK if they were, we hasten to add), so why on earth would you want to have them stuck to your shirt? Also: how would this even work? How do you get the thing…