Fashion Criminals

gwyneth

Gwyneth Paltrow attracts Fashion Police attention at Iron Man 3 premiere

When it comes to being over-exposed on the red carpet, Gwyneth Paltrow is… let’s just say she’s known to us. She has priors, basically. Her appearance at last night’s Iron Man 3 premiere in Los Angeles, however, was revealing even for Gwynie: It’s an “illusion dress”: both in the sense that the white section at the front creates the illusion of a slimmer figure (not that Gwyneth needs to look slimmer, we hasten to add), and in the sense that when you just see it from the front, it creates the illusion of not being a complete crime of fashion. Alas, when she turns to the side, the illusion is ruined and the whole look becomes about her bare ass. Awesome. This…

Kristen Stewart & Charlize Theron at the premiere of Snow White and the Huntsman

Fashion Criminals? Kristen Stewart & Charlize Theron at the premiere of Snow White and the Huntsman

So, this happened. Honestly, it’s like Kristen Stewart and Charlize Theron are having some kind of “who can wear the worst dress to a movie premiere” competition, isn’t it? Well, OK, if that’s the way they want to play it: Charlize, it’s a terrible dress, and Ima let you finish, but Kristen has the worst premiere dress of all time. Seriously. Need some more evidence to decide whether you agree with us or not? Take a look at the gallery below, and then, mirror, mirror, on the wall, tell us who is the worst dressed of them all?

Florence Welch at the 2012 NME Awards

Florence in Florals: Florence Welch at the 2012 NME Awards

Florence is just baiting us now, isn’t she? Oh, and while we’re on the subject: So is Alexa. Is it just us, or does she essentially wear exactly the same outfit (short dress, opaque tights, trench, messy hair…) to EVERYTHING, and get called a “fashion icon” for it? Someone please explain this to us – we feel like if we could understand the appeal of Alexa Chung’s fashion, we’d be close to unravelling the mysteries of the universe… [Image: PRPhotos.com]

Amy Childs and Tricia Penrose in the same dress

Amy Childs and Tricia Penrose in “Same Dress” horror

We don’t know what’s most horrifying about this crime scene: the fact that Amy Childs (left) and Tricia Penrose (right) both turned up to the same event in the same dress, or the fact that they both chose such a mortifyingly unflattering dress to begin with. Seriously: who’d have imagined there would be two people in the world willing to subject themselves to the boob underhang and general ugly prom dress-ness of this item? It’s not often that The Fashion Police catch TWO criminals in the act at the same time, so we have to suspect some kind of animal print crime ring here. There may be more of them out there. We’re afraid. As for Amy and Tricia, after…

Sasha Gradiva in a dress with guns attached to the arms at the 2012 Grammy Awards

Transformers: Fashion Criminals in Disguise! Sasha Gradiva at the 2012 Grammy Awards

This is the exact moment at which we lost the will to live last night. It’s also the exact moment at which we realised our officers will have to be armed at these events in future, because seriously, look at what we’re dealing with here. This is Sasha Gradiva. No, we hadn’t heard of her either. Our spies tell us she’s a Russian  singer, but she will forever be known now as That Chick With the Gun Dress. We see this as yet another attempt to be OMGSHOCKING, and thus become famous overnight. It’s kind of working because, well, here we are talking about her. Do YOU see this is an amazing moment in fashion, though? Tell us in the comments……

Nicki Minaj arrives at the Grammy Awards with the Pope

Fashion Police at the 2012 Grammy Awards: Nicki Minaj arrives with “The Pope”

Nicki Minaj continues her attempt to out-Gaga Lady Gaga, and be the most shocking of aaaaalll the shocking pop stars, this time roping in “The Pope” as an accomplice.. We’d imagine Lady Gaga looks at these photos and thinks, “Yeah, whatever, Nicki: try turning up inside a giant egg, or performing covered in blood – then we’ll talk: religion hasn’t been shocking since Madonna beat it to death in the 90s.” What do you think, though? Brave statement (about…something) or desperate attention seeking? [PRPhotos.com]

Fergie in an orange lace dress at the 2012 grammy awards

Fashion Police at the 2012 Grammy Awards: Fergie in orange lace

Overshadowed as it was by yesterday’s sad news about Whitney Houston, the 54th Annual Grammy Awards took place in Los Angeles has night, offering the usual opportunities for celebrities to take full advantage of the Fashion Police’s exhaustion (It’s hard to police the Grammys AND the BAFTAS and New York Fashion Week, all on the same night…) and wear some weird, and occasionally wonderful, outfits. Mostly weird, though. Poor Fergie almost forgot to get dresses at all, but thankfully someone threw this piece of orange lace over her shoulders as she was leaving. Whew! Crisis averted! [Image: PRPhotos.com]

Shy'm at the NRJ Music Awards 2012

Shy’m: Not shy

It’s hard to believe that until this week, we didn’t even know who Shy’m was. And now her image will forever more be burned into our retinas, and no amount of eyeball bleach will ever make them feel clean again. Funny how things work out, isn’t it? [Images: PRPhotos.com]  

Bras in public

Would you wear… your bra in public?

Mark couldn’t believe Zoe was letting her bra straps show… You’re probably wondering who these two are. Well, they’re  Mark Wright and Zoe Hardman. They’re on TV in the UK. One of them is wearing her bra on the red carpet. Yes, we know it’s covered by a think layer of sheer fabric, but a thin layer of sheer fabric does not a “dress” make, so we stand by our original statement: she is wearing a bra on the red carpet. And that makes us wonder: would you?  Celebrities, you see, have been doing this kind of thing fairly often recently. They think nothing of going out in public in little more than a bra and a net curtain. Sometimes it’s…

Michelle Pfeiffer and Sarah Jessica Parker

Michelle Pfeiffer and Sarah Jessica Parker work the midaxi at the premiere of New Year’s Eve

Three things: 1. We can’t quite believe we used the word “work” in this context. Don’t you just HATE it when people talk about “working” their clothes, or – even worse – “rocking” them. Just wear them, for God’s sake! 2. It’s not even appropriate because, well, this “midaxi” length isn’t really “working” on either of them, is it? And let’s face it: neither Michelle Pfeiffer or Sarah Jessica Parker are in the first flush of youth, but even so: there’s something just very “grandma’s closet” about midaxi length florals, isn’t there? 3. Michelle Pfeiffer is very close to killing an angel here. Angels, be warned! Your thoughts?

Pippa Middleton wears leggings as pants

Pippa Middleton in “leggings as pants” shocker

Pippa Middleton got herself a thorough telling off from some sections of the media this week for allegedly committing a “Leggings As Pants” crime. Now, at first glance, we had just assumed she was wearing a pair of black skinny jeans/jeggings. It can be hard to tell the difference these days, can’t it? It’s only when you see the rear view that the truth becomes apparent: Of course, Pippa Middleton’s rear view is pretty famous, and regularly seems to be described as “perfect”. In fact, apparently it has driven many a woman to the plastic surgeon, in a bid to get one just like it. Does the “perfect” rear get a free pass when it comes to leggings as jeans, though,…

Lauren Pope in a revealing red dresss

Awkward Moments in Fashion: Lauren Pope at the Twilight premiere

Lauren Pope attended the London premiere of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 in this slinky red number a couple of nights ago. And honestly, we wouldn’t be surprised if she’s still standing there, in that exact same pose. Well, would YOU feel comfortable moving around in THAT dress. There just isn’t enough Hollywood tape in the world. Or enough eyeball bleach. Lauren, for those of you not from these shores, is one of the “stars” of the show The Only Way is Essex. You’ll probably be seeing a lot more of her. Probably literally. Just a quick FYI, there… [Images: PRPhotos.com]

Lady Gaga with green hair, white dress and green ankle boots

Matchy-matchy! Lady Gaga matches hair colour to boots

If there’s one thing the fashion community absolutely DETESTS right now, it’s anything deemed to be too “matchy matchy”. Shoes that match your handbag? OMG, how can you go out in public like that? Don’t you know it’s all about COLOUR CLASHING now, you fashion Neanderthal? Belt matches your bag? Why haven’t you just killed yourself already? Because, seriously, if you’re not going to be “edgy” and “unexpected”, like the fashionistas of the world, then there is surely no reason to go on living. This is why, if we were a regular fashion blog, we would surely think that matching her hair to her boots is the most shocking thing Lady Gaga has ever done. Forget the “sheer top with no…

Charlotte Kemp in a see through dress

Rear Window: Charlotte Kemp at the premiere of 50/50

So, here’s Charlotte Kemp at the premiere of 50/50 this week. Her dress isn’t terrible. OK, yes, it does kind of look like one wrong move and she’d be standing there naked. There is that.It’s just kind of hanging on her breasts in such a way that we can only pray that a LOT of tit tape was employed before she stepped outside in a strong breeze. As it happens, though, the front of the dress is actually the least of Charlotte’s worries. Look:

Madonna wears see through pants

Madonna tries to bring back shants

Somehow, amidst all of the Fashion Week weirdness we’ve been witnessing lately, Madonna managed to get a pair of shants past our radar. Honestly, we take our eyes off her for ONE MINUTE, and she does this. And she was doing so well, too! TOO. MUCH. INFORMATION, Madonna. Rule of thumb: if we can see what colour the lining of your pockets is, your pants are too sheer. These pants fail to pass that test. Back to jail they go…

Abbey Clancy in a revealing lace dress and high heels at the GQ Men of the Year Award

Fashion Criminal of the Week: Abbey Clancy at the GQ Men of the Year Award

We know what you’re thinking… …great shoes, no? And we know it’s only Wednesday, but we’re still confident that Abbey Clancy’s lace “dress”, as worn to the GQ Men of the Year Awards in London last night, will prove to be the worst celebrity outfit of the week. We really hope so, anyway: we’re not sure our nerves could take many more like this, we’re on our 12th cup of coffee today already. You’ll find some more outfits from last night’s awards in the gallery, including one from poor Charlize Theron, who had her feet snatched while standing on the red carpet: don’t worry, Charlize, we’ll catch that Foot Snatcher one of these days, you see if we don’t! [Images:…

Marilyn Manson's masked girlfriend

Marilyn Manson’s girlfriend stages fake flashing, Fashion Police investigating

Do not adjust your monitors, that’s a real person. And, you know, it probably takes quite a lot to horrify Marilyn Manson, but if the expression on his face is anything to go by, his new girlfriend (If, indeed, that’s who this is underthe mask. Our money’s on it being someone completely unlikely. Like Simon Cowell, say. Or the Foot Snatcher.) has managed it. Want to see why Manson looks so shocked? The image under the jump contains no actual nudity, but it’s possibly NSFW anyway. You’ll see what we mean.

rachel roy in pyjamas at the premiere of One Day

Rachel Roy wears pyjamas on the red carpet, has trouble styling black sandals

She wouldn’t be allowed to shop in Tesco like this, but luckily for Rachel Roy, there were no such pesky rules in effect at the One Day premiere this week, so she was able to rock up in her PJs without fear of being thrown out. Well, we guess it would’ve saved her a bit of time when she was getting ready for bed, hmm? And WHY is a respected fashion designer wearing sleepwear to a premiere, we hear you ask? Oh, it’s the old “taking risks!” shtick: “I have an eleven-year-old and I like to show her that it’s OK to take fashion risks and to have fun and tell a story with fashion,” says Rachel. “I also believe in…

Jayma Mays in a bright green dress

Fashion Crime? Jayma Mays breaks “fingertip rule” for hemlines

A long, long time ago, we asked the question “How Short is Too Short?” in relation to hemlines, and some of our readers brought up The Fingertip Rule: The Fingertip Rule: If your skirt fails to reach your fingertips when your arms are by your side, your skirt is too short. If you choose to abide by this rule – and we’re not necessarily saying you should, mind – then Jayma Mays is dangerously close to breaking it in the image above, in which her fingertips look like they probably extend a good inch lower than the dress. Too short? Just right? Is this “rule” one of those old-fashioned ones that no longer apply, do you think, or is it…

Carey Mulligan in red shoes

Celebrity Style on Trial: Torso-baring dresses

Recently, Fashion Police officers have been getting reports of a new celebrity fashion trend. We call it The Torso Dress. Here it is in action, on Carey Mulligan: [Image: Bello/Fame Pictures] At first glance, we kind of liked this. She’s one of those cute-as-a-button women who can look good in pretty much everything, and we also want to steal her shoes. Confiscate them, we mean. Confiscate. For their own safety. Then we took a closer look: [Image: Bello/Fame Pictures] Hmm. Well, OK, she’s got the abs for it, we’ll give her that. Do we really need to see them, though? We just don’t think we do, somehow. Let’s give Carey the benefit of the doubt for now, though, and move on to…

portia-freeman-burberry-summer-party

Fashion Police at the Burberry Serpentine Gallery Summer Party: Portia Freeman

If Alexa Chung was ready for the office at the Burberry Serpentine Gallery summer party, it looked like Portia Freeman was more or less ready for the beach, in what looks a lot like a swimsuit n’ sarong combo. Just get rid of the heels and she could be strolling along the sand in no time! Now, there are two schools of thought about this type of look. One is the “if ya got it, flaunt it” argument, which basically states that if you have great legs (and she does) and you feel like flaunting them in a body suit with very little else, why you go, girl! Do it! Just grab the curtain off the shower and sling it…

alexa-chung-at-the-burberry-summer-party

Fashion Police at the Burberry Summer Party: Alexa Chung

Alexa Chung is here for her interview, readers. She’s interviewing for the junior accounts executive position, and as you can see, she’s dressed in a very office appropriate manner: neat little suit, prim, high-collared blouse, shoes which aren’t quite “sensible” – or at least, not in the heel department, anyway – but which somehow manage to create the illusion that they are. Excellent work, Miss Chung! Now, if you could just start out by bringing us some coffee and donuts, that’s a good girl… So, yes, an outfit that wouldn’t look out of place in any reasonably conservative office in the country. Except Alexa Chung isn’t clocking in for her 9-5, she’s arriving at the Burberry Serpentine Gallery Summer Party….

Bethanie Mattek-Sands in Alex Noble tennis ball dress

Tennis player in tennis balls: Bethanie Mattek-Sands wears Alex Noble dress

Well, we’ll say one thing: it must’ve taken a lot of balls to wear this, no? Oh, come on! Like we weren’t going to make the obvious “balls” joke here – it was practically handed to us on a plate, for crying out loud! Speaking of jokes, though, we’re going to assume this IS one. Has to be, doesn’t it? And OK, it was the Wimbledon pre-party, which, as far as we’re aware, isn’t normally a costume event, but we’re assuming US tennis player Bethanie Mattek-Sands just decided it was time to inject a sense of humour into the game. People who wear dresses designed by Alex Noble, who’s one of Lady Gaga’s favourite designers, aren’t normally expecting to be taken seriously, after all. Which…