Friday is The Fashion Police’s designated day to clean-out the holding cells and decide which of their inmates should be allowed to walk free in time for the weekend, and which need to be detained for longer: possibly even for life.
It’s a big task, and that’s why we’re calling upon our readers to help us do it. Take a look at the suspects below, and tell us: are they crimes of fashion, or are they innocent of all charges?
Suspect # 1 | Animal face t-shirts by Mountain at ASOS
If you’re going to wear a giant face on your torso (and the oddness of that sentence should be a clue as to how strange that could potentially look…) you have to pay a lot of attention to detail. They say God is in the details, but Fashion Crimes are in the details, too. For instance, you may look at these shirts and see a cute little rodent and an adorable orangutan. But look closer. The hamster is totally groping the model’s crotch, isn’t he? The varmint! As for the orangutan, well, he may look sweet, but honestly, we couldn’t tell you, because at first glance we thought the model had a mouth-like hole for bellybutton, and now that’s all we can see. Also: bear in mind that models are usually quite tall. On someone shorter, that mouth will be at crotch level. Think about that for a second. And with that thought still burned into your brain, let’s move on…
Suspect # 2: The dress-that-isn’t-a-dress
This is a £563 designer dress by Stella McCartney.
No, you weren’t expecting that, were you? Because it looks suspiciously like the kind of thing you might find on a market stall, or coming out of the sleaziest nightclub in town at 4am on a Friday night. Clever old Stella, finding a way to make an expensive dress look cheap: and making an already short dress look EVEN SHORTER. This definitely wouldn’t pass The Finger Tip Test, and we feel like we’re seeing almost as much of this model as her gynaecologist does, so once again, we move on to…
Suspect # 3 | Pelmet leggings
So, leggings have pelmets now. And honestly: we spend so much time wishing designers would invent jeans that fit in the waist AND in the leg (WHY IS IT SO HARD?) and instead THIS is what they spend their time on? SERIOUSLY. The pelmet on these leggings is not to be confused with the peplum we’ve been seeing on tops and dresses recently. This isn’t like that. This is more like the pelmets you’d find on the gingham curtains at a cutesy country cottage somewhere. That means these fail the “could it pass as curtains” test. More importantly, though, it means these won’t really work with a longline top, so the “pelmet” will help facilitate the wearing of the leggings as pants. That’s automatic disqualification in our book, but if you want to jump to this items defence, feel free.
Meanwhile, if you’re just bored with this post now, and want something else to read, may we present…
Suspect #4: This skirt
It’s inspired by Beethoven’s My Immortal Beloved. Well, we mean, OBVIOUSLY. D’uh! In it’s defence, it’ll be a real conversation starter. The reason we arrested it, however, is that the conversation will revolve solely around you spending the entire evening (or whenever you wear it) repeatedly answering the question, “What does your skirt say?” from people who’ve just been staring intently at your crotch. Which is ONE way to spend an evening for sure. It wouldn’t necessarily be our first choice, mind you, because you know those days when you wear something which people find “unusual” – shoes with a flower on the front, say – (Yes, we know that’s not exactly “unusual” to us, but try wearing anything other than sneakers in a small town in Scotland, and see where that gets you…) and ALL DAY LONG you have people coming up to you and going, “Oooh, your shoes have flowers on them!” as if you couldn’t possibly have noticed that for yourself? It’ll be like that. Except, as we say, the people in question will be speaking to your crotch.