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Crimes of Fashion

Crimes of Fashion

Some minor fashion infractions

Not all crimes of fashion are big ones: the type that would have the Fashion Police swooping down to arrest you, without the chance of bail. Some are just… well, some are just like this:

longline denim jacket

[Buy it here]

It’s hard to imagine how they could have styled this in a way that would’ve made the jacket look any worse, or the model any more miserable, huh? She looks every bit as uncomfortable as she would if someone had stolen all her clothes, and some kind passer-by had lent her his several-sizes-too-large denim jacket to protect her modesty. There may well be a way to make this jacket look a whole lot better – this just isn’t it.

Actually, we suspect this whole “clothes stealing” situation is something we might have to look into, because it seems this poor model has suffered the same fate:

model in half a suit jacket

[Buy it here]

In this case, it looks like the kind passer-by offered up a suit jacket, rather than a denim one. The brave model has done her best to make this look work for her, but … well, let’s put it this way: if she lived where we do, she’d spend the entire day having people walk up to her shouting, “OMG, what happened? Do you need me to call someone?” And that would get really old, really fast…

skin-toned leather trousers

[Buy them here]

As for these trousers, meanwhile, well, these might not even be a minor infraction, if it wasn’t for the fact that they’re such an exact match for the model’s skin tone that, at first glance, we assumed she was naked from the waist down. On someone else, they might just work, but, well, this is why your chief of police avoids pale pink pants – the “naked” look might work for some, but it would definitely raise a few eyebrows in the environs of Fashion Police HQ!

Crimes of Fashion, Shoes

Fine feathers make fine shoes… or do they?


FINE FEATHERS MAKE FINE BIRDS… er, we mean shoes. And not so much fine shoes, as “really quite strange shoes“. The kind of shoes you probably wouldn’t be able to wear all that often, because unless you had someone carrying you around on a litter or something, we’re not going to trust those feathers to remain looking pristine for long. And we really don’t think that bedraggled feathers would create quite the same look, somehow…

Of course, that’s just us: we can’t ignore the fact that feather-heeled shoes are still much more popular (at least, if what we’re seeing in stores is anything to go by, anyway. There’s sometimes a difference between what fashion brands will try to sell you, and what people will actually BUY…), so if you like the look, but not the price, here’s a much more affordable version from Missguided:

grey feather heeled sandals

Not quite as exotic, sure, although probably a little more wearable: although, if the reaction we get from simply wearing a pair of heels – ANY pair of heels – is anything to go by, be prepared to get a lot of questions and “hilarious” comments from onlookers about the fact that you appear to have wings on your heels…

If even these are just too OTT for your tastes, worry not: did you know you can even work the feather trend while wearing a sensible pair of boots? Oh yes you can

feathered boots

So you still get to wear feathers on your feet, but at least no one can accuse you of jumping on board a silly fashion trend, can they? These are just WAY too sensible for that…

P.S. Before we go… our sister site, ShoeperWoman, just launched a brand new Questions forum, where you can post questions, and get answers about fashion, beauty, life, or anything you want, really. Go take a look – and feel free to join in!

Crimes of Fashion

5 Fashion Crimes You *Really* Shouldn’t Commit

crimes of fashion

As our regular readers will know by now, our tongues are inserted firmly in our cheeks when we write for The Fashion Police, and most of our pronouncements on these pages are really just a matter of taste. One person’s crime of fashion is another’s most wanted item, and so on and so forth.

There are, however, just a few things that we think really ARE “crimes” of fashion: you won’t go to jail for them, but all the same, we reckon you should run, don’t walk, from the following…

01.  Wearing things just because they’re fashionable

Hands up everyone who wore Birkenstocks last year, just because they were, like, SO on trend? Have you bought yourself a pair of glove shoes, yet? You will – because glove shoes are this year’s Birkenstock, and if you want to keep up with the fashion pack, you’re going to have to wear them. Or, you know, here’s a revolutionary thought: you could just not bother? Obviously if you GENUINELY love an item, then wear it until it falls apart, and don’t let anyone convince you not to – but if you’re wearing it just because you desperately want to be fashionable, and you secretly don’t like it all that much, then you’ve turned yourself into a fashion victim: and fashion victims NEVER look stylish. Speaking of fashion victims…

02. Buying things because “they’re designer!”

Some people are still super-impressed by the idea of wearing clothes with designer labels – to the extent that they don’t really care what the item looks like, as long as it’s OMGDESIGNER, they’ll buy it. These people tend to have no real sense of style of their own, so they use the presence of a designer label as “proof” that the item is stylish. Often, they’ll take a “the bigger, the better” approach to this, ending up wearing clothes emblazoned with giant logos, just to prove they had the money to buy them. They’re not impressing anyone, but they ARE keeping Moschino in business, so there’s that…

03. Wearing things because they look good on someone else

Look, we’ve all been there: you see someone looking amazing in a particular outfit or item, so you rush to copy it – only to end up looking nothing like the person you so admired. The fact is, we’re all different: what looks good on one person might look terrible on someone else, and vice versa, so it’s important to wear the clothes that look good on YOU, not the clothes that look good on other people. This sounds so obvious that it’s barely worth saying, but SO many people commit this “crime” every day: they don’t understand why the look doesn’t work on them, so they just keep on wearing it, instead of finding something that WILL work, instead. Don’t do that.

04. Not ironing your clothes

Yeah, yeah, we know: YOU’VE got BETTER things to do than iron your clothes! YOU have a LIFE, and you’re not going to waste it by standing around ironing all day, are you? We’ll never understand why this is, but for some reason, the very idea of ironing makes some people super-defensive, and even angry – they don’t want to iron, and you can’t make them: in fact, if you even try, they’ll start spitting venom and telling you to “get a life”, just like they have. “I don’t even OWN an iron!” they’ll say, bursting with pride – as if not owning an iron somehow makes them a better person than those who do. Here’s the thing, though: ironing your clothes makes them look better  – it just does. (And yes, we CAN tell that you didn’t bother: sorry.) Yes, you DO have time: if you don’t want to stand at the ironing board for hours, just take a few minutes to run the iron over your outfit before you put it on – unless you think you could maybe cure cancer, write a prize-winning novel, or do any of those much-more-important things that make ironing a compete impossibility for you?

05. Sticking to the same style forever

There comes a point in many people’s style evolution where they just stop evolving, and stick to the same things, worn in the same way, for years on end. Now, we’re big fans of developing a “uniform” of sorts, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with knowing what you like, but if you NEVER update your closet/look, you WILL end up looking dated – and not in a cute, retro-inspired way, either. You don’t have to slavishly follow trends – that was number 1 on our list, after all – but don’t be afraid to try something new every now and then: you never know where it might take you…

Crimes of Fashion

Introducing the jumpsuit that’s also a dress

jumpsuit that turns into a dress for some reason

We are so confused right now.

ASOS describe this item as an “oversized jumpsuit dress”, which, they point out, “can be worn as a dress or as a jumpsuit”.  We have so many questions:

Question # 1: We get that it’s oversized. What we don’t understand is why it’s SO oversized. Like, “oversized” can look cute, and kinda sexy, in an effortless, “Oh yeah, I totally just stole my boyfriend’s shirt,” way… or it can just make you look like you’re wearing someone else’s clothes, and they really, REALLY don’t fit. The fact that this model is looking down at herself, as if to say, “What the HELL am I wearing here?” suggests to us that this outfit falls into the latter category.

Question # 2: How DO you convert it from a jumpsuit to a dress, anyway? There are no instructions on the site: is there a hidden hook, or button, or something, that you can use to make the change? And what would be the point, anyway? Given that the model’s having to adopt a “legs apart” pose in order to show us that it is, in fact, a jumpsuit in the image on the left, we’re thinking that if she were standing normally, you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference, anyway.

Question # 3: WHY? Just…. why? This is a question that comes up almost every time we look at jumpsuits, though, so we’ll admit to a degree of bias here. For instance:

baggy, shapeless jumpsuit: WHY?

This one doesn’t claim to be anything other than a regular old jumpsuit, but we’re still totally confused by the completely shapeless design, the “nude” colour, the way it makes the model’s body look like a rectangle…It’s prison-uniform chic, only without the “chic” bit, really.

Still, at least we know where to go next time we’re buying uniforms for the inmates of the Fashion Police jail!

Crimes of Fashion

A solution for people who wear pyjamas in public

pyjamas in public

pyjamas in public

Did you see the recent fuss about the headteacher who asked parents to stop doing the school run in their pyjamas, and to think about maybe getting dressed before leaving their homes in the mornings?

It was a recent story, but it wasn’t a recent development. Back in the days when The Fashion Police were at school (which, OK, is a long time ago now, but still…) it would’ve been totally unthinkable for anyone’s parents to turn up at the gates in their pyjamas or dressing gowns: in fact, anyone who DID have to suffer the indignity of being seen with pyjama-clad parents back in those days is probably still in therapy, trying to get over the after-effects of the teasing and bullying they’d have been subjected to.

Now, though, nightwear-in-public seems to be a fairly common phenomenon – at least, if the media is to be believed. (We can still count on one hand the number of times we’ve seen someone walking around in a dressing gown and slippers, but who knows, that might just be us.) This isn’t the first time schools have had to write to parents requesting that they wear clothes, and we’ve also heard stories about supermarkets and other public places banning patrons in pyjamas from entering their store. No matter how many stories we read along these lines, though, it just keeps on happenigng, so it looks like we’re just going to have to accept that people want to wear their pyjamas in public, and nothing’s going to stop them.

Taking the “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” philosophy to its natural conclusion, then, Zara have helpfully decided to come to the rescue. Their current collection contains a few pieces of pyjama-inspired daywear, and technically these ARE “real” clothes, so you can still LOOK like you’re wearing your pyjamas in public… without actually having to wear pyjamas in public.

But how will the schools cope with this, we wonder?

Crimes of Fashion, Trousers/Pants

Where would you wear it? Foil jumpsuit

isabel marant jumpsuit

Some items of clothing become fashion crimes purely because they’re ugly, while others are just totally impractical. (And some, of course, are both ugly AND impractical: those are the biggest criminals of all…)

This one, however… well, ugliness is subjective, and we GUESS you could it practical, depending on what you were wearing it for. It’s probably reasonably warm, for instance – although it’s possible we’re just thinking that because of the fabric’s resemblance to a foil blanket. It doesn’t look too tight or restrictive, and you wouldn’t have to worry about it blowing up in a stiff breeze, the way you would with a skirt or dress. So, OK, let’s say it’s practical: that just leaves us with the third category of fashion crime – or what we in the force refer to as “a category 3”:

Where on earth would you wear it?

The thing is, we’ve been looking at it for a while now, and we just can’t imagine a single situation in our entire lives when we’ve been in need of a £700 foil jumpsuit. Not ever. What’s more, unless we suddenly find ourselves living in some kind of sci-fi sitcom, we can’t imagine there ever BEING a situation where we’d need to wear a £900 foil tinfoil, either. This actually makes us a bit sad: because just imagine how fun your life would be if you were the kind of person who regularly found yourself in need of a foil jumpsuit? Exactly.

We’re not, though, and chances are, YOU’RE probably not either. Just think about it: have you ever been getting dressed for something, and found yourself thinking, “You know what this calls for? A tinfoil jumpsuit. If only I owned such an item, or knew where to buy one!”

If you answered “yes” to that question, the good news is you DO know where to buy one: you can buy this one at Net-a-Porter.

If you answered “no”, on the other hand, well, at least you just saved yourself £925. So it’s good news for YOU, too, isn’t it?


Crimes of Fashion, Shoes

Furry mules: still a crime of fashion

furry slides

furry mules

Well, THIS is disappointing.

We really thought that furry slides were one of those flash-in-the-pan fashion trends that would be left well and truly behind us in 2015. One of those trends, in fact, that people would look back on a few months later, and think “what on EARTH was I thinking?”

We STILL think that’s probably going to happen at some point, but unfortunately it seems we’re going to have to wait a little while longer for it to happen, because look what we just found at Topshop: yup, furry slides. In a choice of three colours. Is that someone calling the Fashion Police, we hear?

These are £56, which seems like quite a lot of money to us for something that looks… well, like THIS, basically. With that said, we can’t really imagine thinking any price would be reasonable here – not even if we were buying them purely as slippers, with the intention of wearing them around the house. (Side note: it’s a sign of what the fashion world has come to that we actually have to clarify here that slippers are what we’d wear ‘around the house’, but with the line between “pyjamas” and “outdoor clothes” now blurred to the point where it doesn’t actually exist any more, we think the disclaimer is probably necessary…) In fact, you’d actually have to pay US to wear these in public, and we probably wouldn’t do it for £56, either.

So, have Topshop got it wrong, or are people going to be lining up to buy these? Well, we’ve said it before, but this is yet another so-called trend that we’ve only ever seen on fashion bloggers and reality TV stars, so we’ll be surprised if people start wearing them to work, say. Unless, of course, they work as the aforementioned fashion bloggers and reality TV stars, obviously…

Crimes of Fashion

4 Winter Fashion Crimes to Avoid

winter fashion crimes

Each season has its own set of fashion crimes, that are particular to the season they occur in.

Summer, for instance, has socks with sandals, and inappropriate use of swimwear (here’s a clue: if you’re wearing a bikini in a public place that isn’t the beach, pool or jacuzzi, it’s probably “inappropriate”). Winter, meanwhile, has some of these…

Not dressing warmly enough for the weather

Look, we can’t wait for spring either, AND we hate wearing boots, tights, layers – anything connected to winter, and the idea of being “bundled up”, basically. But when you’re out in the snow wearing short sleeves and bare feet in pumps, it doesn’t really matter how stylish your outfit is – you’re just going to look like you’ve no idea how to dress yourself, aren’t you? Equally, though…

Being overly “bundled up”

Can you tell we hate the phrase “bundled up”? People are not “bundles”, and unless it’s REALLY cold outside, they don’t need to LOOK like “bundles”, either.  Over-dressing for the weather can look just as silly as under-dressing, so find a happy medium and stick with it: not only will you look better, you should feel more comfortable, too.

Trying to “winterize” a summer dress

We don’t know about you, but we always seem to be coming across articles helping people find ways to “wintrize” summer clothing. Our number one tip on this subject, though, is this: don’t bother. Just buy winter clothes. Unless you genuinely can’t afford to buy a few items that are actually designed to be worn in winter, obviously, there should be no reason to layer a cotton sundress up with woolly tights and a thick cardigan: because doing that won’t miraculously make it look like a WINTER dress, will it? Nope, it’ll just make it look like… a cotton sundress, being worn with winter woollies. And trust us when we tell you, it’s not a great look…

Ugg boots in the snow

Ugg boots are soft, snuggly, and fall into that “ugly-but-practical” category, which means we don’t hate them nearly as much as you might think we would. Here’s the thing, though: Ugg boots are not designed to be worn in the snow. They don’t work in the snow. They get soggy and wet, and then you’re essentially wearing a wet sheep on your feet: nice.

And there you have it! Avoiding these winter fashion crimes won’t get you completely off the hook with The Fashion Police – but at least it’ll be a start…

Crimes of Fashion

Fashion Fails

It’s been a while since we rounded up some potential fashion criminals for you, but the following crimes have been called in by our officers: as for whether they’re innocent and guilty, well, that’s for you to decide…

fashion fail

ZARA have a ton of great stuff in store right now, but we’re going to go out on a limb and say this dress isn’t one of them. We don’t think many people would look good in this one, but then again, its crimes suddenly don’t seem all that serious when we compare it to these frayed denim cullotes:

frayed denim culottes

So, it looks like frayed denim is going to be A Thing this season, huh? Seriously, though: the drawstring waist. The cut-off legs … which have been cut off right at the MOST unflattering part. The fraying, which makes these look more VICTIM than criminal… the list goes on, and so we will we: on to the next crime, to be exact…

what the hell even is this?

This ASOS kimono

They’re calling it a kimono, although it’s like no kimono we’ve ever known: or ever WANT to know, for that matter. What we would love to know about this one is where you’re supposed to wear it, though? The high lycra content and general “unitard” look of it suggests the gym, but… then there’s the cape. It’s true that it’s been a long time since we last had a gym membership, but have things really changed THAT much? Have gym goers swapped regular old workout gear for caped unitards? If so, that ALMOST makes us want to re-join the gym, just to see it. ALMOST.

As confusing as THAT crime is, however, we have to admit that this one has us completely stumped:

crime of fashion

“WHY?” is our main question here, we guess. Also, “WHERE?” And “HOW IS THAT COMFORTABLE?” Still, at least it outs the whole “frayed jeans” thing into perspective, doesn’t it?

frayed black jeans

Then again...

Crimes of Fashion

How to save money on high fashion items

You COULD spend $282 on this paint-spattered shirt:

paint pattered shirt

OR you could just spatter paint over an existing shirt for free. (Or for the cost of the paint, if you don’t have it. It probably won’t cost you almost $300, though.)

Similarly, you COULD spend £795 on this KitKat inspired clutch bag:

Kit Kat clutch bag

OR you could just buy a REAL Kit Kat and carry that around with you instead. You won’t be able to carry your stuff in it, true, but you can’t carry a whole lot of stuff in a clutch bag either, and you can’t eat one either – which you can do with the real Kit Kat.

You COULD pay $430 for this extra-long-sleeved sweater:

long-sleeved sweater

OR you could simply take an old sweater you no longer wear much, and stretch the sleeves out as far as you possibly can – you know, like you sometimes did when you were a little kid? YOur mum may have yelled at you back then for ruining a perfectly good sweater, but now she’ll just be relieved you didn’t spend $430 on an attempt to look edgy…

You COULD spend $755 on this dress:

high fashion dress

The dress is just the check print bit over the top, by the way: don’t be getting carried away and thinking you’d get the blouse and skirt too for that price. You’ll have to buy those separately. So you COULD buy a “dress” and THEN buy some other clothes to wear UNDER your new dress (You could argue here that a dress which requires the purchase of additional items in order to make it wearable isn’t a great deal, but as our detractors are always telling us, if you think that, then you obviously don’t know anything about fashion, do you?), OR you could once again take an existing dress (or raid your fabric box, if you have one), cut it unto shreds, them basically just throw them at yourself and hope they stick. Same effect, vastly different price-point. Sorted.

We hope you’ve enjoyed this quick guide to saving money on high fashion – until next time, Fashion Force!

Crimes of Fashion, Shoes

Gucci Horsebit-detailed goat hair slippers

scrolldown fug

We seriously thought this was a joke at first. It looks like one, right? Smartly-dressed woman: maybe not everyone’s style, but she looks like she’s made a bit of effort with a classic jeans/blazer/scarf combo. Then you scroll down the page and…

goat hair slippers

NO. No, no, NO. Goathair slippers should not be a thing. Seriously: leave the hair to the goats, people, because this looks absolutely ridiculous AND costs £1,230. When we first laid eyes on them, the fact that they were described as “slippers” made us think they were one of those “hilarious” animal-themed house slippers people like to wear. You know the ones that make you look like you stuffed your foot inside a teddy bear, or a monkey, or whatever? Yeah, we hate those too, and will never understand want to dress up as toddlers at home, but the key to that sentence is the phrase “AT HOME”. At least those things aren’t actually designed to be worn out on the street: these, however, ARE, and if you’re wondering what on EARTH you’d ever wear with them, Net-a-Porter suggest “floaty skirts and dresses”. Which we actually fully support, if only because it would be absolutely hilarious to see people walking around in a floaty dress and a pair of slippers that look like they’re still alive.

If you think the slippers are a little bit too much, however, maybe the clogs will be more to your liking?

Gucci clogs

Or maybe not.

Gucci aren’t the only brand making incomprehensibly furry shoes this season, though: nope, Maison Martin Margiela are it too, with these grey faux fur mules:

faux fur mules

We wouldn’t have expected any less of them, really. These are ‘just’ $1,360 at Shopbop, if anyone’s interested: and, if you are interested, you can rest assured that there’s plenty more where those came from.

Crimes of Fashion

Crimes of Fashion Roundup

knitted flares and matching top

ASOS are using the never-ending 70s-revival (can you still call it a “revival” if it’s been going on forever? Because we’re starting to think that if this 70s nonsense goes on any longer, it’ll stop being a ’70s revival’ and just be ‘what people wear now’. We really hope that day never comes, but ever pair of knitted flares makes it seem all the more likely…) as an excuse for all manner of fashion crimes. This isn’t even the worst example we’ve seen, but an all-beige knitted “costume” doesn’t seem like a good idea for anyone, really, does it?

floral print blouse and trousers

[Outfit: ZARA]

You can cop all the attitude you like, missy: this is a great example of why head-to-toe floral print is rarely a good idea. Actually, this and the outfit before it pretty much prove that head-to-toe ANYTHING is rarely a good idea. Like, Florence Welch could probably pull this off, but… that’s about it.

We’re not sure even Florence could make this one work, though:

fringe poncho

So, it’s a fringed poncho. Honestly, those words alone would set our “fashion crime” claxon ringing, because remember the early noughties, when ponchos were a “thing”, and everyone and their aunt had one? We remember that. We wish we didn’t, but we do, and while we weren’t huge fans of that particular style of poncho, we’re even less enamoured by this one, which looks like the kind of primitive clothing stone-age man might have fashioned for himself. Or which your four year old neice might make if you handed her a Barbie and a pair of scissors (don’t do that, though, folks: scissors and children do not mix!) and asked her to make some “clothes”. We’re willing to accept that our in-built bias against ponchos might be at work here, though. As for this, on the other hand…

soda can dress

It’s a dress that looks like a soda can. We accept no excuses.

Crimes of Fashion, Dresses

Good Clothes Gone Bad | The Back-Slit Dress

Remember when we talked about when good clothes go bad? Well, here’s another example…

ASOS full-skirted dress

[buy it here]

Now,  in fairness, this one could’ve gone either way. It’s one of those dresses that got an instant, “OMGLOVEIT!” reaction from us, quickly followed by a, “Or DO I?” The shape is amazing, is as the subtle print, which seems just right for the upcoming winter seasons. Dresses with sleeves are still rare enough to make us want to buy every one we see (Seriously, why so many short-sleeved dresses in winter, fashion designers? Don’t you all get cold? Do you really want us to spoil your beautiful designs by layering cardigans and scarves over the top every single time we wear them?), and did we mention how awesome the full-skirt is on this? Awesome, seriously. The shiny fabric and the seams along the bust, however, did give us some pause for thought: and then there was THIS:

dress with back slit

And instantly, a good dress goes bad.

Seriously, why would they do this? Not only does the back stick out from the model’s body, creating an awkward sideways-silhouette, we also have to ask how on earth – or rather WHERE on earth – you’d wear something like this? Super-thick fabric, with a high-neck and long sleeves: that’s going to be pretty warm, right? When we saw it from the front, we thought, “great dress for cold weather” – but then there’s the whole issue of the naked lower back. When is it ever simultaneously so cold that you need long (THICK) sleeves and a high neck, but also so warm that you can happily bare your back to the elements? We have no idea. All we know is that if we owned this, we’d end up having to wear something under it to cover the lower back: which renders that detail totally redundant.

Why’d do you it, ASOS? If you’d just given it a normal, filled-in back, you COULD have had £150 from us. As it is, it’s just another good dress gone bad…

Crimes of Fashion, Skirts

Strange Skirts at Shopbop

Strange skirts at Shopbop.

Now try saying that fifteen times, fast. Then come and take a look at these skirts, which are pretty far from the usual run of pencil skirts, midis and A-lines…

lightbulb skirt

Karla Spetic ‘Hid Hand’ skirt, $525

It must’ve been a real lightbulb moment when Karla Spetic came up with this design, huh? (Sorry, couldn’t resist…)

moschino denim skirt

Moschino denim skirt, $550

If you think this one looks strange enough from the front, you might want to also take a look at the back view.  You might also want to consider never bending down in it – or if you do, make sure you’re wearing your best undies.

fringe skirt

Jacquemus fringe skirt, $336

When we read the words “fringe skirt”, this really wasn’t what we were expecting, somehow. Once again, we find ourselves reminded of one of those posters people put up when they’re advertising for a new room mate or whatever – you know the ones with the tabs at the bottom so you can tear off the person’s number? It’s actually quite surprising how many items of clothing we come across that remind us of those posters…

Want more skirts?

Here are some posts from our archives featuring the good, bad and downright ugly sides of the world of skirts:

How to Wear a Full Skirt 

Full skirts aren’t quite as much of a trend as they were this time last year, say, but they’re a classic style, so they’re normally around in some form or other. This post provides you with some suggestions on how to wear them.

What to Wear With a Sequin Skirt

You might be wondering just how often you’ll need this advice, but the Christmas-themed press releases started arriving at Fashion Police HQ back in July, and sequin skirts are almost always on the festive menu: sartorially speaking, of course.

And finally, this post features what is, quite simply, one of the worst skirts we’ve ever seen. Go take a look

Crimes of Fashion, Shoes

Crime of Fashion | Maison Martin Margiela faux-fur mules

OK, we’re declaring a state of emergency.

faux fur mules

The fur shoes thing is getting out of hand. All summer we’ve watched as designers presented us with fur-covered shoe after fur-covered shoe. We hated them all, naturally – as far as we’re concerned, there’s never a good reason for a shoe to have fur on it, and whether it’s fake fur or not, it’s still always going to be a crime of fashion – but we bided our time and hoped it was just a flash-in-pan trend.

There are even MORE furry shoes on show as part of the autumn/winter collections, however, so the situation seems to be getting worse rather than better. And as soon as we saw these faux fur mules by our old nemesis, Maison Martin Margiela, we knew the situation was getting out of hand. Seriously, can you even imagine what these would look like on? Or how filthy that fur would get as you walked around in them? Because we can imagine it. We can imagine it all too clearly, and while there’s no denying that there would undoubtedly be a huge amount of comedic value in seeing people walk around with feet like Chewbacca, it’s still not something we want to encourage.

So we’re declaring a state of emergency.

If you see these shoes, call The Fashion Police.

If you see anything LIKE these shoes – still call The Fashion Police.

If you happen to look down one day, and THIS is what you see, meanwhile…

faux fur shoes

… you probably DON’T want to call The Fashion Police, because you just won’t like what we have to say. Instead, go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass ‘Go’. Do not collect $200. Because you’re committing crimes of fashion, and friends don’t let friends wear furry Chewbacca shoes, no matter how “on trend” they happen to be.

Crimes of Fashion, Dresses

Faces in Places: Anna Sui suede mini dress

anna sui suede mini dress

Can you see it?

Can you see the face on this Anna Sui suede mini dress? Because we can see a face on this dress: and it’s not a happy face either. In fact, it’s a grump, annoyed face – a face that clearly says, “For crying out loud: why am I attached to a stupid suede mini dress? Why wouldn’t I have been a vintage Dior ballgown? Or something Taylor Swift might wear? Instead I’m stuck here with birds for eyes, and a really big nose…”

dress with a face

Now can you see it?

OK, OK, bad Photoshop is bad, we get it. But you see the face now, right? And now that you’ve seen it, you can’t UN-see it. That’s the problem with faces in places : they’re funny, and they can sometimes even be cute: they’re not always what we’d call a “crime of fashion”. But wear them once, see the face, and you will never look at that dress, or sweater, or whatever it is, the same way again. All you’ll see – and all anyone ELSE will see – will be the face.

If you’re lucky, you might be able to swing this as a “statement” piece. Because it is one. The problem with statement pieces, however, is that, well, they make a statement. Sometimes quite a strong one. So rather than YOU wearing the clothes, the clothes will almost always end up wearing you in these cases: people won’t remember what YOU looked like – they’ll just remember you as being “that girl with the dress that had a face”, and you have to ask yourself if that’s what you really want your wardrobe to do for you.

If you do want that, fair enough. But if you want people to see YOUR face, rather than the one on your dress, we recommend steering clear of faces in places – no matter how cute they might look.

Crimes of Fashion, Outerwear

Good coat gone bad : Balenciaga camel coat

balenciaga camel coat

It’s always disappointing when a good item of clothing goes bad, isn’t it?

We’re talking here about those otherwise perfect items: the ones that SHOULD be on our “Wanted!” list, but which end up in Fashion Police Jail, on a minor misdemeanour. They’re the good clothes gone bad: the ones we’d love if it wasn’t one for one tiny little detail that ruins an otherwise perfect item. We’ve all seen them, haven’t we? There you are, rummaging through the rails in your favourite store, when all of a sudden you see what LOOKS like the perfect dress. Excitedly, you pull it from the rack… only to find that it has a giant cut-out section on the ribs, or it’s completely backless, meaning there’s no bra in the world you could wear with it.

Take this Balenciaga coat, for instance.

It was love at first sight when we saw this coat: in fact, we were all set to add it to our ‘Wanted!” list earlier this week. Well, a camel coat is one of those timeless classics, isn’t it? It’s one of those items that always appears on lists if items “all women” must own, and with good reason, too: we don’t always agree with the items on those lists, but we do love a camel coat, which adds an instant dose of style to almost any outfit.

On first inspection, this one looks perfect: beautifully cut, classic colour, but with the asymmetric buttons giving it a nice little twist. Then we scrolled down, and WHOA! What’s happening at the hem? Because it looks like the last person to wear this coat must’ve leaned against a freshly-painted railing or something, and OMG! Is that PAINT on our £1,995 Balenciaga coat? Because we don’t know about you, but that definitely looks like paint to us – and although in this case it’s supposed to be a design feature, it has exactly the same effect on us as an act of vandalism would: it ruins an otherwise beautiful coat.

Why do they do it?

Why do these good clothes go bad? We’ll probably never know, but it’s likely the designer’s attempt to make them look “edgy”. That word is to blame for a LOT of fashion crimes, we find. Because designers just can’t leave well alone, can they? They can’t content themselves with creating the perfect camel coat: they have to make it “different” and “edgy” – and often that comes at the expense of totally ruining it.

Think about it, though: if you were spending that much money on a coat, would you want a timeless classic, or a coat with a strip of pink paint on the bottom, which guarantees that every time you wear it, you’ll spend the entire day telling concerned friends that no, it’s OK, you didn’t ruin your coat with paint, it’s SUPPOSED to look like it’s been ruined with paint, because that’s the difference between “fashion” and just “clothes”.

Because we know which one we’d choose…

Crimes of Fashion

Colourful enough for ya?

Ladies and gentlemen of the Fashion Police jury, the ‘new in’ section of Net-a-Porter this morning:

Dolce & Gabbana print

WHOA. We think our eyeballs are on fire. And, you know, it’s not really fair to lump all  of these items together, really. We have a feeling that, on their own, some of them might be fine – in fact, some of them (like the bag, for instance), might actually be quite pretty. Put them all together, though, and… well, it’s just a bit louder than we’d like, first thing in the morning. We’re going to sentence each of these items to solitary confinement for a few days: by which we mean they should only ever be worn with the simplest of colours and styles: and even then, you’ll probably want a pair of dark glasses.

Meanwhile, also at Net-a-Porter, we found this gem, from Stella McCartney:

Stella McCartney knitted dress

Confused? We were. Because they describe it as a “dress”, but we couldn’t help but notice that it appears to be a dress for just half a person. Or half of a person’s body, anyway. Sure enough:

Stella McCartney dresses

Now, bearing in mind that the layer underneath it is ALSO a dress (and also £645, bringing this outfit to a total cost of £1,340), here we have a situation where the model is wearing TWO very expensive dresses simultaneously. What’s the point of a £695 dress that requires ANOTHER dress to make it wearable, we wonder? Is it really just a very long, very lopsided (very EXPENSIVE) scarf?

Finally, from a dress-that-needs-another-dress underneath it, to a dress that doesn’t require anything else at all – because it already comes complete with attached knitwear:

Thakoon mini dress

This is a straightforward case of “stuck together clothes”: it is, however, a particularly strange one, given that the combined clothes look a lot like a child’s school uniform. You could recreate this for very little money at home, OR you could pay around £300 for it at Net-a-Porter: up to you!

Crimes of Fashion

The biggest fashion mystery of our times

teddy beardress

[Buy it here]

Sad times are upon us, Fashion Force. This week we finally realised that as long as there are people willing to wear dresses trimmed with teddy bears – and to pay £1174 for the privilege – the world will never be free from crimes of fashion.

You might think that’s a good thing, of course. How boring would it be, after all, if everyone was impeccably dressed and stylish all the time, and no one ever wore a single teddy bear attached to their dress? It would be dull, to be sure. Fashion crimes make the world a far more interesting place – and they also make brands like Moschino a whole lot of money, because, as we say, £1174. For a dress with a collection of teddy bears sewn onto the collar. That Moschino can keep on doing this kind of thing – and keep on persuading people to pay SO MUCH MONEY for it – is the greatest fashion mystery of recent times, surely?

(The bears are wearing t-shirts. The t-shirts read, “This is not a Moschino toy”. Which is ironic, because it IS a Moschino toy! Do you see what they did there? Of course you did: they’ve been making this same joke – or variations of it – for years now, and people still seem to be lapping it up, so maybe the joke’s on US now, and we’re the only ones out there still  not getting the appeal of spending thousands of dollars on clothes that will always just be a bit of a joke. And we’re NOT joking about the “thousands of pounds” bit, either, by the way: witness –

gold Moschino coat

It’s £5,239. Which actually makes us think we might be in the wrong business, really. Maybe a life of (fashion) really is the way forward after all…

Crimes of Fashion, Shirts & Tops

Shirt Story

Shirts. We don’t find ourselves arresting them too often here, because, well, they’re shirts. Seriously, how badly wrong can you go with a classic button-down shirt? Well, we’ll tell you. THIS is how badly wrong you can go:

moschino shirt

[Buy it here]

It’s Moschino. Obviously. Well, it’s not like many other brands would pull a stunt like this, is it? They’ll tell you they’re making a little joke, like, “this is how we made your shirt”, but, as always with Moschino, the real joke is on you, because you just paid £680 for something that looks like the pattern for a shirt rather than the shirt itself. If you’ll buy that, however, you’ll probably buy anything, so how about this one:

denim shirt dress

Buy it here

They’re calling this one a shirt dress, but… we all know it’s really just a shirt, right? What’s more, it’s the kind of shirt that might have been acceptable in the eighties (sing it with us, people), but now it’s just going to make you look like you’ forgot your pants. It’s possible that the shoes will provide enough of a distraction to let you get away with it, obviously, but we wouldn’t count on it.

Also acceptable in the eighties was this particular shade of neon…

neon shirt dress

Buy it here

…which ASOS have helpfully labelled AS neon, just in case it wasn’t clear enough. Are you all getting that this is neon? Good, because we’d hate for you to have to take a closer look to be sure – you might hurt your eyes. The shirt dress itself is actually designed to be worn on the beach (that’s why you can see the model’s underwear, which we assume is a bikini), so we’re not going to argue with the transparent nature of the beast – we just want someone to reassure us that this whole neon trend is going to be over soon. It can’t last forever, can it? CAN IT?