Bubblewrap Wedding Dress: just what it sounds like

Bubblewrap. We don't know about you, but it's exactly what we've always imagined walking up the aisle in on our wedding day. And once the ceremony's over, all the guests can get together and, you know, pop us. Bonus!

Of course, we jest. And we really hope the company who are charging $249.95 for this do too, but one thing we've learned from our time fighting crimes of fashion (and especially on sites like Etsy and Ebay) is that you can never be sure...

Possibly the scariest shoes ever. EVER.

Found by the fabulous Daddy Likey, who, in turn, found them on eBay. We're weeping here, seriously.

Now, clearly The Fashion Police have seen a lot of shoes in our time, and some of them have been pretty hideous. We have to say, though, that if we were walking down the street, say, and we happened to see these bad boys poking out of the bottom of someone's pants, we really think we'd have to desert our fashion-fighting duties and just run the hell away. Fast.

Splitting Toes: Irregular Choice's 'Tippy Toe' split toe court shoes

Split-toe shoes. They always cause controversy here at The Fashion Police, with some of you arguing that they're just the same as Japanese Tabi, and therefore totally beyond reproach, and others saying that you don't really care what they're "inspired by", they look mighty uncomfortable and you'd never wear them.

Never ones to shy away from controversy, however, Irregular Choice have created these 'Tippy Toes' court shoes, complete with split toes and, er, "sticky up bit". (We don't know what the technical term is for that particular feature, sorry.) They're available at Schuh, where they're currently down to £45 from £74.99. But what do you think of them?

The Hood Thong: for those days when you just have to have a hood on your thong...

No, we have no idea why either.

The designers admit it's not in full production yet, but say they are accepting orders, so your dream of owning a thong with a hood can be realised, folks! Just click here to place your order then proceed in an orderly fashion to the Fashion Police jail...

(Thanks to Sharleen for the report!)

Completely Pointless Items of Clothing: The Air Vent Top

Maybe we've been slightly premature in referring to this top as "completely pointless" in the title, here. After all, if you had more than one head, you'd probably find it very practical indeed, on account of all of those extra head holes. Or if, say, you lived in a very warm climate, but had need of an item of clothing that kept your arms covered while simultaneously exposing your belly button, beast bone, shoulders and elbows. Or if you fond yourself in a position where you had to provide inflatable rubber rings to very small people. Or.... actually, that's it. We're totally out of ideas for this one, so we're going to conclude that we were right the first time, and that it is, indeed, completely pointless.

If you have any other ideas, though, we'd love to hear them...

Giving new meaning to the phrase "body conscious"...

If, like us, your abs finished 2008 looking a little less ripped than the way they started it, courtesy of all that lovely Christmas food, this dress is probably your worst nightmare.

Actually, on second thoughts: forget the freakin' abs. Let's just say that if you're anything like us, this dress is probably your worst nightmare. Because, let's face it, you'd be as well just going out naked and having done with it, no? It's not just the abs that are exposed here: the cut-outs go all the way down to the hip bones, and skirt dangerously close to the crotch. Too close for comfort, in fact.

This is the way evening-wear has been going lately. The body-con trend was one thing, with all of those tight fighting bandage-style dresses, but this? This is something else entirely. And if it's a look you're into, well, we can only hope one of your New Year's Resolutions was to hit the gym hard...

(Thanks to Katie for the report!)

High Waisted Tartan Shorts from Topshop: do not want

You may not think it, but over the course of 2009, The Fashion Police learned to like, if not exactly to love, a few items of clothing that we'd previously always considered to be crimes of fashion.

We learned, for instance, to like high waists on certain items of clothing.

We learned that tartan, if done right, can actually be quite refreshing.

What we did not and will not accept, however, that this combination of the two, as applied to these knee-length shorts from Topshop, which were another find by Fashion Super-Sleuth, Mousy, could be acceptable to us under any circumstances. Because, as Mousy correctly points out, they look a lot like boxers, and not even Topshop's suggestion, "tuck in a tee and wear with thick tights and lace-up boots" can ever remove that association from our minds now.

If, on the other hand, you think these are just the way to start 2009, they're £38. You're welcome.

Ugly Prom Dresses: now with added lingerie

You know, The Fashion Police could swear we saw that bustier in the TK Maxx lingerie department sale, just before Christmas. Looks like some enterprising person snapped it up, sewed a black skirt onto the bottom, et voila - one Ugly Prom Dress! And the great thing is, you won't even have to wear underwear with it because... well, because the top half of it IS underwear. Genius.

The description on the retailer's website describes this as "ethereal". Well, that's one way of putting it we guess, although it possibly wouldn't have been the word The Fashion Police would've chosen...

(Thanks to officer Adrienne for the report!)

Harem Pants: now with added patterns

Well, there you go, you learn something new every day, don't you? We, for instance, had firmly believed there was nothing harem pants could do to make us dislike them any more, and as such, we'd decided to bury our heads in the sands on this issue and pretend the world hadn't been infiltrated with droopy-assed pants.

Then we saw these ones (which are actually a harem jumpsuit) at Mina UK, and realised that yes, harem pants can still surprise us. Just never in a good way.

Like we said, you learn something new every day.

Drop-crotch carrot pants by Cheap Monday: the horror!

We discussed the phenomenon that is the carrot-leg pant a couple of months ago, and most of you were of the opinion that this was just another name for the "mom jean" - an assessment that The Fashion Police largely agreed with.

Now it seems that Cheap Monday have decided to take things that little bit further, by adding a small, but noticeable, dropped crotch to the basic "mom jean" shape. We've no idea WHY they would do this: we're of the opinion that if you absolutely MUST wear a dropped crotch on your pants, you may as well make it exaggerated enough that people will realise you're wearing it like that on purpose, rather than just thinking either your pants don't fit, or that you're wearing some kind of diaper under them.

Which is pretty much what these ones look like, no?

Crocs Mammoth: now in leopard print

We'd like to propose an ammendement to our own "animal print is acceptable on shoes" rule, if no one has any objections. The ammendments simply says, "except Crocs". In fact, we reckon we could probably add the phrase "except Crocs" to almost any fashion "rule" out there, such is the continuing horror caused by the platic shoes.

We're not quite sure whether these animal print Mammoths are better or worse than the regular Crocs Mammoths, but we DO know we don't like them, and would file them very firmly under "crimes of fashion". If you disagree, of course, you can find them at Macy's, where they're $45.

Plastic "peep toes" by Melissa. Why?!

 

We'd like to suggest that neon coloured plastic shoes are always a crime of fashion, regardless of who they're made by. Now, who's with us on this?

These ones are made by Melissa, and are $30. No, we don't know what purpose the "peep toe" is supposed to serve either, because it's certainly not adding much in the way of aesthetic improvement, is it? In fact, it barely even deserves the name "peep toe", because as far as we can see, these are just shoes with holes in them. Plastic shoes with holes in them. That reminds us of something, now what could it be?

Disagree? Want these for your very own? Worry not: you can pick a pair up at Creatures of Comfort.

Daylight Robbery: Robert Clergerie's 'Rio' shoes

Now, admittedly, they're not the most expensive shoes we've ever seen, but if we'd just paid $569 for footwear, we're thinking we wouldn't expect it to look like this.

Now, who's with us?

Worst drop crotch pants ever?

In terms of sheer ugliness, we don't think these actually ARE the worst drop crotch pants in the world ever. No, they win that title on account of how totally uncomfortable they look. That twisted seam running across the body. The crotch itself, hovering just above knee height. The way that one leg looks so much narrower than the other (that could just be the angle of the photo, of course... but we don't think it is, somehow).  If they're not the ugliest pants in the world, they certainly look like one of the least comfortable, and that's a crime in itself.

If you don't believe us and want to give them the benefit of the doubt, they're by Ann Demeulemeester, they're reduced to £54 and you can buy them here - but only if you're a UK size 10...

Fendi's petal trimmed dress - not for the body conscious

Fendi's petal trimmed dress is the latest in a growing line of clothing items that seem designed to make their wearers look chunkier around the middle than they actually are - the Moschino ruffle dress we featured earlier this year dress is another.

Now, we're not saying that all clothes should be tight and figure hugging, of course - far from it! - but we just can't understand why people would want to wear something that would make them look like Chewbacca's slightly more fashion-forward girlfriend.

Or, indeed, why you'd pay £1610 for that privilege.

Anyone care to shed some light for us?

Bad Bathing Suits: White lace-up one-piece

The words "lace-up" and "swimsuit" are words that really should never appear in the same sentence, aren't they?

This particular lace-up swimsuit (Ouch! We said it again!) is billed as "nautical" - all we can say is that we'd hate to see the kind of ship the designers had in mind when they came up with this one. And we'd also hate to see someone wearing this is the white fabric went see-through after a dip in the water...

[Buy: White nautical monokini]

Bad Bikinis: The Bead Bikini

Remember those beaded curtains people used to (and maybe still do, for all we know) hang in their doorways during the summer, so they could leave the door open but stop flies and other nasties getting inside?

Why do you think Fisico-Beach Couture thought it would be a good idea to attach one of those to a bikini top? And wouldn't that thing get ticklish if you moved even a little bit while you were wearing it?

Finally: tan lines! Won't someone please think of the tan lines?

Buy: The Bead Bikini, £58

Martin Margiela makes clothes for Batgirl

Batgirl, is that you? Oh no, our mistake, it's just another Martin Margiela creation, and given the designer's apparent fixation with the Caped Crusader at the moment, so we probably shouldn't be too surprised by this "t-shirt" , which will make you look exactly like a giant white box from the back. Which is every girl's dream, really, isn't it?

This is £274 from Yoox.com and we think it would be particularly interesting to see it worn underneath the Margiela "box" leather jacket we featured back in August. Go on, we dare you...

Crop Mahdia Harem Pants by Triple 5 Soul - dropped crotch AND see-through

  We've always considered harem pants to be at the very pinnacle of fugliness. It would be hard to find a way to make them less appealing to us, but credit where it's due: Triple 5 Soul have somehow managed it, using the simple technique of making the fabric ever so slightly sheer.

True, these aren't sheer enough to be considered "shants", but imagine wearing them on a very bright day, with the sun behind you. Now, if that doesn't get people staring at your dropped crotch, nothing will.

Do you want people staring at your crotch all day long, readers? If the answer is "yes", these are $41 at Karmaloop.

Shress Spotting: Rick Owens ribbed tank dress

Well, lookie here, folks: looks like the Emperor has been ordering some new clothes, again!

Actually, we could almost have let this Rick Owens dress off with a warning, were it not for the way Browns have styled it here. They really do seem to be suggesting that it be worn with nothing but a unitard, a pair of ankle boots and a handbag, you see, which is not only a great example of Fashion for the Very, Very Brave (well, would you go out in public in a unitard with nothing more than a see-through dress over the top?) it also makes it a good example of what £135 of useless looks like, as far as we're concerned.

That sounded a little harsh, didn't it? OK, let's give Browns their say, too. They say: "This stylish Rick Owen’s dress works perfectly in the layering trend, wear with soft knits, tights and ankle boots."

It's totally up to you who you want to side with. If it's Browns, though, you can buy the dress in question here for the aforementioned £135.

Impostor Alert! Yet another "socks pretending to be shoes" crime

Not just the old familiar Impostor Footwear crime this time, folks, but worse: really freaking ugly shoes pretending to be socks. When will the madness end?

These men's style shoes By Marsell are masquerading as sensible shoes with ankle socks stuck in them. Is anyone else reminded of those photos of people who have spontaneously combusted, leaving only their shoes and socks behind? That's what this looks like to us, so, on the plus side, if you do decide to buy them (£344, since you asked) you'll be able to play a "hilarious" joke on your housemates by leaving them lying around and pretending you just got blown clean outta them.

Or, of course, you could just do that with a regular pair of shoes and socks. Ones that aren't ugly, preferably.

High heeled Timberland boots: they're back. Run.

The last time high heeled Timberland boots raised their ugly heads heels in the world of fashion, The Fashion Police comforted ourselves with the certain knowledge that most people would surely shun them, and they would soon drop off the fashion radar, never to return.

Which just goes to show what we know, because look! Here they are back again, this time with fetching red laces! These are $119 at Shoes.com, who also have them in black. Proof that you can stick a stiletto heel on just about anything yo like, but it still won't make it pretty...

Gareth Pugh's zigzag jumpsuit - £355 well spent. Not.

Another one for the "how the other half live" files, here. That there are people in the world who find £355 a reasonable price for a zigzag jumpsuit boggles our minds, but of course, the fact that there are people who'd pay any amount of money for a zigzag jumpsuit boggles our minds, so we can't really talk, here.

Clearly those people have more money and better figures than us. Ah well.

If you are one of those people, this item can be purchased from Browns, and also has stirrups, although you can't see them in this picture. We're guessing a skirt over the top would make it a whole lot more acceptable to us, but not £355 more acceptable - there's the rub.

Would you wear it? And if so, how would you wear it?

Great Glam hit new low with Worst Bodysuit Ever

Yeah, we know, it's Great Glam - what do you expect? Well, we certainly don't expect the clothes to be classy, that's for sure, but no matter how far we lower our expectations when we head over to police the site, somehow Great Glam always manages to sink lower than we'd dared to believe possible.

As proof of this, witness the "Blindfold Me" bodysuit.

No, blindfold us, Great Glam - we beg you. Please, blindfold us so we never have to look upon this, the Fashion Crime to end all Fashion Crimes, ever again.

Of course, we know Jodi Marsh is going to just love this. Somehow that doesn't make us feel any better, though...

More granny-chic with Marc Jacobs' shirtdress

Oh dear. When we reported on Graeme Black's check shirt dress earlier this year, we felt sure it had to be an isolated incident, for surely there couldn't be more than one designer out there labouring under the impression that we all suddenly want to walk around dressed like old maids?

There is.

Marc Jacob's shirtdress is a shocking £1,750 at Browns, but we think that waistband makes it look an awful lot cheaper than that, no? True, the addition of the belt, pearls and heels on the mannequin is an improvement (a shorter skirt would improve it even more, though), and makes it a little Victoria Beckham-esque, but we're still not even remotely tempted by this latest example of Clothes That Are Stuck Together. Are you? 

Tacky Tanks: the 'Wish You Were Here' tank

Every time we feature an item of clothing like this tank top from Karmaloop, we get a bunch of comments telling us to "lighten up" and calling us "virgins". The prevailing idea, then, seems to be that unless you like very vulgar and tacky clothing, you have no sense of humour, and should book your place in the retirement home ASAP.

Or it could just mean that you prefer not to walk around with a giant red arrow pointing to your private parts.

You decide.

Jean Print Leggings: it was only a matter of time...

So, skinny jeans. Some of them are really quite "skinny" indeed, aren't they? Almost like leggings, in fact. And denim leggings aren't a particularly new thing, obviously, but then, these aren't denim leggings, either. No, they're denim print leggings. More specifically, they're marble-wash denim print leggings. They'll basically look like someone painted your jeans onto your legs. Which is, er, nice. 

These are being sold at Topshop, where they're £18. The 80s are truly back with us once more, aren't they?

Sweater with boob windows. Nice.

This sweater wouldn't ordinarily have attracted the attention of The Fashion Police, because as far as fashion offences go this is only a minor infraction.

The thing is, though, the Chief of Police is short. Every sweater she ever buys, therefore, sits much lower than it's supposed to, and she knows a lot of other women who are in the same unfortunate position.

All we're saying is that we'd really hate to see this sweater on one of those women. Especially if they'd decided to go bra-less underneath it...

Lopsided trousers by Yohji Yamamoto

You're thinking it's just the way she's standing, aren't you? After all, she's leaning forward slightly, weight on one leg - of course the legs of her trouser will look slightly different lengths!

It's not the way she's standing. And it's not "slightly" different lengths, either: these Yohji Yamamoto trousers are designed to help you look like you have one leg longer than the other, and not only that, each leg is in a different fabric too. One shiny, one not, one long, one short - well, they're certainly different, we'll give them that. And "different" is good, right?

If you think so, these are £422 at Yoox.com.

Shagpile: now available for sweaters

Our apologies for the disturbing nature of these photographs. Yes, this model DOES appear to be wearing a shagpile carpet on her torso. No, we have no idea why. This crime was reported to us by Officer Jannet, and we've instantly put out an APB on this item, which can be purchased from Miss Sixty. The final insult? It's £70.

Someone pass us the smelling salts...

Stella McCartney makes shoes for people with really, really pointy feet

We like pointed toes, we really do, but as with most things in life, we like them in moderation. This? Isn't really "moderation", is it? Not only could you take someone's eye out with the toes (no, we have no idea why anyone's eye would be level with your toes, but just work with us here), the fact that the uppers are almost skin coloured could make you look, not like you're wearing exceptionally pointy shoes, but like you have exceptionally pointy feet. Surreal, granted, but maybe not the best look in the world. If you disagree, though, you can buy these for $665 at Neiman Marcus.

Worrying Fashion Trends: the lace-top dress

We've featured lace topped dresses a couple of times now here at The Fashion Police, but while one or two could be considered an "accident", three or four starts to feel like the beginning of a trend, and we're starting to see so many of these around now that we have grave cause for concern.

The dress shown above is by Bec & Bridge, and is available from My-Catwalk.com, who advise wearing it with a nude coloured bandeau bra underneath. That'll certainly stop you actually exposing yourself to the room, but here's the thing: you'll still look like you might be. Exposing yourself, that is. Do you really want people to stare at your boobs all night, trying desperately to work out whether they're nude or not? If you do, this is £82 - enjoy! And if you don't - join the club. We're glad it's not just us!

If you thought Ugg boots were bad...

...how's about a pair of these furry boots by Colin Stuart? No, they are not slippers. Them's some outdoor boots, to wear in public and be proud of. And to make you look like some kind of furry life form is eating your feet, obviously.

Can we not tempt you at all, here? Are the Uggs starting to look good yet? If not, you can pick up a pair of these bad boys for $79 at Victoria's Secret.

Topshop's spot sequin playsuit: one way to get noticed this Christmas...

We should really have seen this one coming. After all, Topshop have been leading up to it all year, with a succession of playsuits that, quite frankly, we'd have used as uniforms for the inmates of The Fashion Police jail if we'd only just thought of it. It makes sense, then, that with Christmas looming large on the horizon, Topshop would throw caution to the wind and say, "Hey! Let's cover one of our playsuits with sequins! And dots! Can we throw on some dots for good measure?"

The result is something we can see Minnie Mouse absolutely loving.  And finally we know what the purpose of that "Mouse headband" affair was all about earlier this year! God, we love it when a Fashion Police case file is finally closed...

(This, by the way, is £95 and you can buy it here.)

Silver Hammer pants from Mango. *Sigh*

We fear we're fast approaching crisis point with the 'Hammer pants' situation. One or two pairs could've been explained away as an "accident", but seriously, we've started discovering these monstrosities in so many otherwise innocent stores that we've stopped even reporting them here, because the crimes are just too widespread to handle. (Yet still we've yet to see anyone actually wearing them. WHY?)

We had to make an exception for this pair from Mango, however, for the simple reason that they're silver. We think Mango possibly envisaged them being the "dress Hammer Pant" option - you know, the Hammer pants you'd wear on an evening out, when you really wanted to impress someone.

Or maybe they're just the pair you'd wear if you actually want to look like M C Hammer.

Either way, they're $99, if you feel your life really won't be complete without them.

Harem Jumpsuit from All Saints, a.k.a "Fashion Police Public Enemy # 1"

This crime of fashion was reported to us by Mousy, whose name regular readers will no doubt recognise from our comments section. "You're going to love it," said Mousy. "I can just tell." And all we can say to that is, "How well you know us..."

We would say more about this one, of course, but to be honest, we've been curled up in a ball of hysterical laughter ever since we opened the link, and have only managed to uncurl for long enough to type this brief message. Seriously, we know some of you really like harem pants, and we mean no offense to those who do, but when an item of clothing doesn't even look like it's been designed for humans, all we don't know whether to laugh or cry...

For now, we're taking this one into Fashion Police custody. Bail is set at £60, and if you want to release it, you can find it here.

Shress Spotting: Knotted dress by Friedrich Gray

"Probably best suited as a layering piece," says MyCatwalk.com, the winners of the "understatement of the week" award. Er, we think you're probably right there, MyCatwalk, but we see you've gone ahead and shown it worn with absolutely nothing underneath it anyway...

Would you pay £212 for a "layering piece" such as this, though, readers? If you would, you can buy it here - but don't blame us if you catch your death in it!

Thong booties: the words we never wanted to hear

This week, reports have started to reach The Fashion Police of yet another worrying trend in footwear. These disturbing images were sent to us by Orla, and as you can see, they depict "thong booties". Yes, thong booties. We know. Hush, now, The Fashion Police will make the scary monsters go away. Unless, of course, you really like them, in which case you can buy yourself a pair at Shopbop, where they're currently retailing for $178. And they're also available in black...

Recession Fashion: Acne's patchwork dress

Just in case you haven't noticed, times are tough for a lot of people right now. In fact, times are so tough that the designers at Acne have clearly been reduced to using the off-cuts they found on the cutting room floor to put together this dress . The Fashion Police certainly admire this 'Make Do and Mend' spirit, but we're a little confused by the price - £385 for something that looks like it was patched together during wartime? We don't think so.

What about you, though, readers? Would you buy this?

Ugly Prom Dress Interlude

We interrupt this broadcast to bring you news of an Ugly Prom Dress in our midst. This dress was spotted at 4prom.com by Fashion Police Cadet Gabriella, and although it's nowhere near prom season, never let it be said that the Fashion Police failed to act on the reports of fashion crimes they receive.

These two young ladies look thrilled to be wearing dresses which leave their stomach's looking like they're covered in plague boils, don't they? That's nice. We're glad they're enjoying themselves while they can because we somehow don't think the Fashion Police jail will be even half as much fun...

Impostor Alert! Miu Miu in "boots pretending to be socks" crime

Oh, Lord. What Miu Miu gives, Miu Miu can also take away. Just last week we were offering them a Fashion Police Commendation for their sterling work in the field of handbags, and today we find ourselves charging them with the crime of trying to pass off boots as socks.

Do not be deceived by this dastardly behavior, people! These are no socks-and-shoes! These are boots! And pretty ugly ones at that. Given our well-documented thoughts on the issue of impostor footwear, we're sending these to the Fashion Jail. If you want to get them out on bail, it'll cost you £194 at Yoox.

Orange and snot green furry boots: every bit as bad as they sound

In green, they look like some dodgy old carpet from the 1970s. In orange (picture below the jump) they look like one of the Muppets' radioactive cousins. Either way, it's not good, is it? Oh, and they're rabbit fur. Bunnies died for this. Sometimes Fashion Police jail seems too good for certain criminals...

(If you want them, get them here.)

Foil cycling shorts from Topshop: WHY?

The Fashion Police's position on items of clothing that are both skintight and shiny is generally pretty clear cut: DO. NOT. WANT.

But then the shiny leggings came along, and all of a sudden we were forced to re-think that position, because, try as we might, we just couldn't hate them. In fact, in certain situations, like when they're being worn with a bit of a rock-chic attitude, and there's absolutely no hint of crotch on display, we actually found ourselves liking them. We know!

What we're trying to say here, then, is that The Fashion Police aren't entirely against the shiny-skin-tightness. When Topshop decided to get all American Apparel on us, though, and brought out these gold foil cycling shorts, we found ourselves right back where we started with this one, in that we have absolutely no idea why these exist. Do you?

Invasion of the designer jumpsuits

It's started. They're coming for us. Baggy, shapeless items of clothing that, in some cases, cost more than a small mortgage repayment. They've already successfully infiltrated the Net-a-Porter website, which is where you'll find each of the three fashion criminals shown in our line-up: where will be next, we wonder? (We'd put money on Topshop being next, personally, but Browns will probably fall before the Invasion of the Designer Jumpsuits, too, just you wait and see.) The Fashion Police would love to say they have a handle on the situation, but quite frankly, our enemies outnumber us to such an extent these days that we're starting to feel overwhelmed by them...

Of the three jumpsuits shown above, the middle one is by Paul & Joe, and it's flanked on either side by Stella McCartney creations. We could just about see ourselves wearing the suit on the far right of the picture, which is actually pretty inoffensive: what we can't see, no matter how hard we strain our eyes, is ourselves ever wanting to hand over £625/$939 for it. As for the other two: no. Just no. Not even if the prices shown were what they willing to pay us to wear them.

What about you,readers? Do you welcome the Designer Jumpsuits and their bid to take over the world, or will you be joining us in the Resistance?

Diesel's satin jumpsuit: probably comfortable

We're trying to look at this in a positive light. So far all we can come up with is, "it's probably comfortable. And lightweight! Yes, lightweight! And, er, you wouldn't need to get changed out of it when it was time for bed, although you'd probably have to hope you didn't need to pay a visit to the bathroom during the night while you were wearing it..."

Aaaaand...that's it. We're out. Because really, it's a £200 grey satin jumpsuit, and no matter how fierce and sexy that model tries to look in it, we still just want to say, "Ooh, been doing a spot of decorating, love?"

If you have any other suggestions in which this could be seen as A Good Thing, feel free to leave them in the comments box. And if you want to buy it, you can get it here. 

We can has cheezburger dress?

So, you know all those times when you're eating a cheeseburger, and you suddenly look down at it and think, "Damn, I wish I was wearing this cheeseburger rather than just eating it"?  We've all been there, right?

It need no longer be just a dream, friends. No, we can has cheezburger dress, and we can has have it by visiting Joy Kampia's website, where you can also buy a crocheted ice cream cone dress, ice cream sundae dress and more.

We're lovin' it.

[Thanks to Carol for the report!] 

Irregular Choice 'Lucky Charms' ankle boots: redefining 'girly'

Yay, it's My Little Pony's ankle boots!

OK, we know it's far too easy sometimes to keep apprehending Irregular Choice for their crimes against fashion, and we actually love a lot of their shoes, if the truth be told, but seriously, how could we NOT show you these ones?

£104.99 from Schuh, if you really can't resist...

Barbie jewellery: creepy or cute?

We're just going to give you a moment to process what you're seeing here.

...

Got it yet? Yes, it's a boob pendant. A pendant made from boobs. Plastic boobs. Barbie boobs! Aaaand we think we may just have answered the question from the headline there, but you, of course, may find these super-cute, in which case you'll want to know that the boob pendant is the creation of Margaux Lange , who sells her work on Etsy, and that there's lots more where that came from. More pics under the jump, visit Margaux's store here for even more. 

Sheer Shoes: the see-through trend spreads

It had to happen sooner or later, didn't it? We've had sheer dresses ("shresses") and sheer pants ("shants") so it was only a matter of time before sheer shoes (er, "shshoes") appeared in our stores, and now here they are.

Of course, sheer shoes aren't a particularly new thing, but for some reason we just can't seem to get used to them (or, indeed, to learn to love them), and we're not quite sure why. After all, sandals and flip-flops leave feet much more exposed than these shoes from ASOS do, and yet while sandals and flip flops look right, something about these just strikes us as wrong.

What do you think of them?

Shant Spotting on the High Street: Organza trousers by Boutique

Ever since shants made their way onto the fashion radar, the Fashion Police have rested easy in the certain knowledge that shants were very much a "catwalk" thing, i.e. designers might trot them out every so often, but they weren't something you'd ever see on the high street.

Until now.

Yes, today our confidence in the "actual stores wouldn't sell them" nature of shants was shaken to the core by the appearance of Boutique's organza trousers on the Topshop website.

Make no mistake, people, these are shants by any other name, and now that they're being sold for £35 per pair in a store frequented by a large percentage of the female population, the Fashion Police are raising the alert level to Defcon 1.

Topshop advise wearing these "with a blazer and heels". We'd like to also add, "and underwear" to that. Please don't forget the underwear...

Kookai's fitted hem trousers, a.k.a. the "harem bloomer"

Ah, our old nemesis, the harem pant, now with added frills: now there's a sight we could've happily lived without!

Actually, we never thought we'd hear ourselves say this, but the dropped crotch on these is actually the least of our worries. No, we're more concerned by the fact that they appear to be cargo pants to the knee, and then leggings from the knee down. So, basically, we're looking at a bizarre, three-way hybrid: harem-pant-meets-cargo-pant-meets-leggings. Now, why in the world would you want to do that, we wonder? (Although, come to think of it, the "legging" part would make them perfect for wearing with long boots. We're using the word "perfect" as a relative term here, you understand...)

Personally we've never found ourselves staring into our open closets, thinking, "Damn, I wish someone would come up with a pair of trousers that were both harem pants AND leggings AND cargo pants", but if you've ever faced just that dilemma, your wishes have been answered by Kookai, who're selling these ones for £82 via ASOS. 

Irregular Choice's 'Vixen's Vices' boots with robot print

Kinda like the footwear equivalent of the Christmas sweater, only with robots rather than Santa Claus, no?

Or like heeled slippers.

But no, it's just Irregular Choice's idea of a winter boot, and you can buy a pair here for £69.50.

Daniel Palillo t-shirt with multiple neckholes. For people with multiple heads, presumably.

Now, we know what you're thinking girls, but don't worry: although this garment is being modelled by a man here, it is, in fact, a unisex shirt, so you and your man can both wear it. We're speaking literally here, by the way: when we say "you can both wear it" we mean "you can both wear it at the same time", on account of the fact that it has four neck holes that we can see, and possibly more that we can't. In fact, what the hell: bring the kids, let them wear it too! Invite your friends! "Share and share alike" has always been The Fashion Police motto, only not really, because when we get dressed in the morning we like to make sure we're the only ones wearing our clothes at that particular time. Just one of our little quirks.

Of course, we're being facetious here, because the designer probably didn't intend this shirt to be worn by multiple people, did he? No, we're going to guess the multiple neck holes are just there to, you know, give you a bit of choice. And choice is always a good thing, no? Just think of the possibilities: will you put your head through hole number three or hole number two? Is today a "hole number one" day? Who knew dressing could be so much fun!

Now for the bad news: it's sold out. We know! SO unfair! But if you really, really want i