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Crimes of Fashion

Crimes of Fashion

The Internet Vs “The Real World”

clear Topshop jeans

MOTO Clear Plastic Straight Leg Jeans

We had to check the calendar when we first came across these jeans – we were pretty sure it wasn’t April 1st, but at the same time, this does look a bit like an “Emperor’s New Clothes” type situation, doesn’t it?

It’s no joke, though – and while you’re Fashion Police are still struggling to see the appeal of totally transparent jeans, the answer came in the form of the reviews of this item on the Topshop website – which basically just confirm to us that we’re far too old, and tragically un-stylish to get it.

“These jeans might have got a thrashing on the internet,” wrote one thrilled purchaser, “but people in the Real World seem to love the look!”\

Ah, so it’s a case of The Internet Vs The Real World, is it? We do sort of get this: you only have to look at some of the top fashion blogs, for instance (or Pinterest, even), and then have a quick look around you to see that Internet style isn’t always realistic, and isn’t always picked up by The Real World. We’re thinking here of all of those Pinterest girls you see strutting around with bare legs and sandals in the snow: which HAS to be just for the photos, right? Right?

With that said, we’ve yet to see  this particular look catch on in The Real World either, but there is another benefit to it, as pointed out by one of Topshop’s other reviewers, who writes: “

“As I am a victim of overactive sweat glands, these new jeans just let the sweat slip right down to my socks, so you cant see if all bunched up around my knee cap. Which men tend to say they find very off putting on a first date.”
Soooo, it’s better to be able to actually SEE that sweat sliding down your legs and pooling into your socks, we guess? Gotchya. Well, if it pleases men, we guess it’s worth doing: all women dress primarily for men, after all, don’t they? DON’T THEY?

(Answer: NO, they don’t. And that’s actually one of the things we really don’t miss from the days when we used to have comments open on this site – all of those men commenting with, “If you girls only knew how much men like to see you in X look, you’d wear it all the time!” Which, honestly, just makes us want to wear whatever it is even LESS, but, of course, if Topshop is anything to go by, it looks like we’re alone in that: and also alone in our complete lack of any desire whatsoever to own a pair of transparent jeans…)

Crimes of Fashion

Two-tone pants and double-waist jeans

We’re declaring a state of emergency: crimes of fashion are starting to take over the pants world. First, there was these:

jeans with knee frills

It’s like, they WERE regular jeans… but they’d always dreamt of being ballerina jeans. A couple of knee-tutus later, and their wish was granted!

These pants, meanwhile, just couldn’t decide what THEY wanted to be when they grew up:

two-tone pants

Would they be pinstripe pants or cargo pants? Business or causal? Why couldn’t they be both, they wondered? Well, luckily for them, that wish was granted, too: which is a useful lesson for us all, really. Never try to pigeonhole yourselves, people – always remember the pants, and the inspiring tale of how they managed to have it all!

Finally…

double-waist jeans

Now, The Fashion Police have dealt with this kind of thing before, and it never fails to make us think of the aura we get before a migraine, which makes the world look a little bit surreal. Just like a migraine, these have made us want to go and lie down for a while in a darkened room – and not just because of the look of them, but because they’re $695, and in low stock in all sizes, which means there’s a whole lot of people out there who just dropped a mortgage payment on a pair of jeans that look like a bad headache.

And now we really DO have to go and lie down for a while…

Crimes of Fashion

Jumpsuits Gone Wild

We’ve always viewed jumpsuits with suspicion. It’s definitely not true to say that all jumpsuits are crimes of fashion, obviously – some can actually be quite cute. It IS, however, fair to say that MOST jumpsuits have the POTENTIAL to be crimes of fashion: and we think this one is really pushing that potential to the limit:

pink ruffled jumpsuit

Of course, it would  also be fair to note at this point that we’re coming from a position of bias here, as we’ve always viewed ruffles with the utmost suspicion, too. (No, we’re not fans of the current trend for gingham ruffles, thanks all the same…) Like jumpsuits, they’re not always crimes of fashion, but they do have that potential, and, in this case, they’ve taken it way, way too far. If this was a dress, it might be marginally more acceptable – only marginally, mind you – although it would still make us think of something the young Barbara Cartland might have worn. As a jumpsuit, however, we’re not on board with either the ruffled legs or the sheer top, and once again find ourselves feeling grateful that we’re not nearly trendy enough to feel the need to wear it.

Is it better or worse than this jumpsuit, though?

ruffled gingham jumpsuit

Ruffles and gingham: they’re absolutely everywhere right now – which makes us suspect we’re going to be the only ones who’d consider this particular specimen a crime of fashion. (Well, us and the model, it seems…) The thing is, this one could actually have worked, too, if it had just been able to make up its mind what kind of jumpsuit it wanted to be. Is it a black gingham jumpsuit, or a blue frilly one? Either one would have been passable (although, as always, we could definitely live without all the ruffles), but, of course, this jumpsuit had to be greedy and try to be both – which resulted in the strange mishmash of styles you see before you.

Will this be the last piece of ruffled gingham we’ll have to arrest this year? Well, probably not: but we can dream, can’t we?

Crimes of Fashion

Topshop clear-panel mom jeans

Topshop clear panel mom jeans

When our officers spotted this photo doing the rounds on Twitter this morning, our first instinct was to check the calendar and make sure it wasn’t April 1st. But nope: it’s still only March 13th, so it’s way too early for April Fool’s… which means that these jeans must be real. Wow.

Having discovered THAT, our next assumption – also wrong, as it turned out – was that they must be from one of those cheap clothing websites that spring up every now and then, selling clothes normally described as “clubwear”, but what we’d probably describe as “fashion crimes, one and all.” Nope, though: again, we were wrong, because these are from Topshop. Which is about as mainstream as it gets in fashion, so… we’re scared, folks. We’re really scared.

Topshop clear panel mom jeansSo far, there are no reviews up on the Topshop website. There are, however, a few over at Nordstrom, where these are also available, with one reviewer excitedly noting that a) She’s not actually a mom, but these fit her anyway, and b) the clear panels will allow her to get “that super-fashionable skin through denim look,”even when it’s cold out. Well, at least that answers our usual question when faced with these kind of crimes – WHY? – and it also tells us, beyond doubt, that we’re obviously WAY too old for this fashion-policing game, because, when we see things like this, we just want to fall about laughing, as opposed to thinking how “super-fashionable” we could be if we were to wear them.

Still, we’ve long since accepted that we will never be super-fashionable, and we’re actually quite relieved about that, because it means we don’t have to provide our knees with little windows on the world. Whew! If, however, like another Nordstrom reviewer, you’ve “always loved your kneecaps,” then these could be exactly what you’ve been looking for…

Crimes of Fashion

The New Way to Wear Ripped Jeans

Rachel Comey Lenox Pants

 

Rachel Comey Lenox Pants

Well, this is… interesting. And here were we thinking that the denim disasters we’ve been documenting lately were probably as bad as it was going to get this season: just shows what WE know, huh?

Rather than going straight for the most obvious crime here, let’s take a look at the circumstantial evidence first:

The odd length, which looks more, “I outgrew these jeans two years ago, and just can’t afford to replace them,” than it does, “I’m totally rocking the cropped flare trend!”

Then there’s the “Just like your mother used to iron them for you,” knife-edge crease down the front of each leg.

The high waist – not a crime in itself, necessarily, but definitely starting to raise suspicion when paired with the “mom jean” legs and stonewash shading.

All of this would make these jeans pretty suss as far as The Fashion Police are concerned, but then there’s THAT cut-out. The one that starts just above the hip bone and then circles round the body, leaving the poor jeans desperately hanging on by a belt loop. Even if these were the most stylish pair of denim in all the land, that cut-out section would be a definite deal-breaker, but, of course, if you’ve secretly always wanted to show off that particular section of your torso, you may well simply be wondering where these jeans have been all your life?

On the plus side, though, at least they make these look pretty good in comparison:

extreme distressing on jeans

OK, OK, no they don’t: we’re not actually sure ANYTHING would make these OK, to be perfectly honest, but that’s just us, and we like to ruin our clothes ourselves, rather than pay almost $600 – for yes, folks, this is a pair of SIX HUNDRED DOLLAR jeans you’re looking at – for a pair that someone else has destroyed for us. You?

Crimes of Fashion

Sound the ‘pyjamas in public klaxon

h&m pyjama outfit

Pyjamas in public have long been a source of concern for The Fashion Police, but, at first glance, we honestly didn’t think that was what we were dealing with here. No, our first thought, upon reviewing the evidence above (found on the H&M website) was that this was a particularly unfortunate looking pair of pyjamas, sure, but, pyjamas aren’t exactly a crime of fashion, are they? What people choose to wear in the privacy of their own home, after all, is none of our concern … so it was only when we realised that we were not, in fact, looking at the nightwear section of the H&M website, that we started to get a little bit alarmed.

As it turns out, we were right to be alarmed, for these are NOT, actually pyjamas – what you’re looking at is, in fact, a trousers and shirt set, designed to be worn together, individually or, well, not at all, if you’re anything like us, and know that wearing this outfit in public would only encourage the neighbours to assume you were sleepwalking, and call for assistance. Which would actually be significantly less embarrassing than having to admit that, no, you weren’t still asleep when you left the house in this outfit – you made a conscious decision that it would make a great #OOTD. (Seriously, can you even imagine having to keep explaining, over and over again, that these aren’t pyjamas? Because we reckon that would get really old, really fast…)

We’re also really curious why, if people really MUST look like they’re wearing nightwear in public, does it always have to be oversized PJs – or, heaven forbid, onesies. Why not something like THIS, say?

Only Hearts Silk Chemise

(Only Hearts silk chemise in vintage ivory)

Oh, come on: it wouldn’t be THAT much stranger than pyjamas in public, would it? And surely it’s the natural next step in this ongoing trend?

Crimes of Fashion

Denim is out of control again

It’s happening again, fashion force. Just when we thought the destroyed denim trend was over, and it was safe to go back into Toshop again, without fear of running into hundreds of pairs of raw hem jeans (is it just us, or does anyone else look at those things and feel like the wearer is obviously in someone else’s hand-me-downs, which had to have the hems let out or cropped off to fit properly?), they go and do this to poor old denim:

cold shoulder denim jacketThey call it an “extreme cold shoulder denim jacket”. Which seems pretty accurate, really. Our main question, though, is WHY? Why do people all of sudden find it SO unacceptable to cover their shoulders? Why must they always be bared to the elements, whether in a dress, a jumper or even a jacket, like this one? And when is it EVER cold enough to need a jacket, but warm enough for bare shoulders? More importantly, WHY MUST BRANDS KEEP ON MESSING WITH DENIM? Why can’t they just leave it be: denim wasn’t broken, after all, so why the repeated attempts to fix it, we wonder?

Meanwhile, over at ASOS:

oversized denim shorts

This model is showing us her stomach in a brave attempt to distract us from the fact that she’s wearing someone else’s shorts. At least, we’re assuming that’s why she’s doing it (The pose is just a little bit random, if not, although, to be fair, if we had abs like that, we’d probably go around holding our shirts up all the time, too…) As for why she’s wearing the shorts, meanwhile, well, this is all the proof you need that modelling is NOT always glamorous, people: although she should probably consider herself lucky that they didn’t make her wear the shorts with the jacket above – seems like the “edgy” thing to do, non?

Crimes of Fashion

Christmas comes early at ASOS

Christmas jumper

It’s hard to believe it sometimes, but this blog has been running for over a decade now, and while you probably wouldn’t think that would be long enough to see any major changes in the world  of fashion, we’ve definitely seen a few.

Take Christmas jumpers, for instance. Back when we first started policing the world of fashion, the Christmas jumper was rarely seem outside the world of ugly sweater parties. Wearing one would’ve been seen as the ultimate crime of festive fashion, and every December, our cells would fill out with sweaters depicting giant snowmen, scary Santas and other things more commonly seen on small children than grown adults.

Now, though? How the times have changed. Now Christmas sweaters start filling the stores in around October, and people will happily wear them, without even a hint of irony. Some of them are just as bad as the ones from the ugly sweater parties of old. Some are even quite nice, in a “If we absolutely HAD to wear a holiday sweater, then this is the one we’d choose,” kinda way.

Then there’s this one.

Now, to be fair, this one might not even BE a Christmas sweater, for all we know. There’s nothing in the product listing to suggest it is one, and it doesn’t have the usual suspects (Santa or snowmen) on the front, either. With all of that said in its defence, however, as soon as we laid eyes on it, we were instantly reminded of the Christmas craft projects we used to do in school, when we were little kids: you know, the ones where you’d make paper chains out of cardboard, or Christmas crackers out of toilet rolls: that kind of thing? This, then, is a child’s craft project of a Christmas sweater to us: and if this is what the future of festive fashion looks like, we’re probably just going to hibernate right through until January…

Crimes of Fashion, Jeans

Forget frayed jeans: feathers are where it’s at now

feathered jeans by Michael Kors collection

Feathered jeans by Michael Kors collection

For a long time now, fashion designers have been having a real problem with jeans, the problem being this: how to mess them up?

The thing is, for most people, jeans are a wardrobe staple. They’re classics. They’re worn by everyone, from the super-fashionable, to the not-even-remotely-fashionable – and everyone in between, too. Now, the problem for Fashion People (Who deserve to have their name written in caps, because they’re not like Other People, obviously), is that they don’t want to look like the not-even-remotely-fashionable people. Hell, they don’t even want to look like the somewhere-in-between people, either: which can be somewhat tricky when you’re wearing jeans – the uniform of Almost Everybody. Fashion People, after all, wouldn’t ever want to be accused of just wearing “jeans and a nice top”, for instance: so what are the poor things to do?

Of course, there are plenty of ways to wear jeans without looking – gasp! – ordinary, and a lot of it comes down to the type of jeans you’re wearing, as opposed to what you wear WITH THEM. (A nice top is a big no-no, though, just so you know…) What some fashion designers decide to do, however, is to shun the “classic” jean altogether, and create something new, and totally different.

Enter the feathered leg jean.

These jeans come at the end of a year in which fashion designers have found it impossible to stop messing with the hems of their jeans. First came the “raw” or let-down hem look, which is basically how your jeans would look if you simply took a pair of scissors and chopped off the hems. (You’ll have to pay way more for this if you let a fashion designer do it for you, though, obviously…) Then came the fringed hem, which is exactly what it sounds like, and looks a bit like you attached a small rug to your hems.

Now we have feathers: and not just on the hems, but all the way up the legs, too.

Where will it end, this constant push to redesign the wheel – we mean the jeans? We’ve no idea: but our officers will keep you posted…

Crimes of Fashion

Fur is back in fashion – and stranger than ever

YSL blue fur coat with exaggerated shoulder pads

A few weeks ago, we wrote about how fur is back in fashion – or, at least, no longer looked down upon by fashion, anyway – and how we’re so not cool with that. It’s bad enough to know that designers are still using real fur, when there are so many alternatives available to them, however, but it’s even worse when they use it to make something like this: almost £17,000 worth of bright blue fox fur, which we’re convinced would’ve looked a whole lot better on its original owners than it does on the kind of coat you’d be too scared to wear in case something happened to it. Oh, and in case people thought you were Cruella De Vil’s smurf-obsessed sister.

Then there’s this:Fendi fur and shearling coat

There are no words. There is, however, this fascinating insight into how the other half life: the half that think nothing of spending £9,000 on something that looks like this. As for The Fashion Police, meanwhile, at least we get a kick out of trying to imagine how our own other halves would react if we announced we’d spent that much money on a coat – and then produced THIS. We’re pretty sure they’d assume it was some kind of spectacularly unfunny practical joke – which, come to think of it, is maybe what Fendi intended all along.

By contrast, these pieces actually seem pretty tame:

fur coats with doll faces

Now, personally we’d rather NOT wear a jacket that has more hair than we have ourselves, but after the two examples above them, we have to conclude that it could be worse, couldn’t it? It could be a whole lot worse…

P.S. Don’t forget to check out our sponsors at Shopbop for some outfit options that WON’T leave you at risk of arrest from The Fashion Police. Or, at least, we HOPE not, anyway…

Crimes of Fashion, Jeans

The New Way to Wear Denim

It looks like denim’s gotten out of control again, fashion force. As if all of those bizarre-looking frayed-hem jeans weren’t bad enough, now our officers also have things like this to content with:

R13 layered distressed jeans

These sold out at Net-a-Porter within a few days, despite the fact that:

a) They cost £630

and

b) They’re a skirt attached to a pair of jeans.

Let’s think about that last point for a minute, shall we? Imagine, if you will, getting dressed in the morning. You pull on your favourite pair of jeans, and add a pair of beat-up white sneakers to wear with them. So far, so good. Basic, but good. Then you look in the mirror. “There’s just something missing here,” you find yourself thinking: so you go to your closet, have a quick rummage, and finally pull out a denim mini skirt, which you put on OVER the top of the jeans. “NOW I’m ready!” you declare triumphantly: except, you don’t, do you? Because, unless you’re the kind of person who prides yourself on wearing strange and possibly uncomfortable clothes (Because, seriously: there’s nothing about denim-skirt-over-denim-jeans that sounds remotely comfortable, is there?), there’s no part of this scenario that makes sense. Not even if it was a NICE pair of jeans, and a NICE denim skirt.

We’re NOT going to be signing up to be alerted when these are back in stock, in other words. And we’re probably not going to rushing out to buy these ones, either:

turn up culottesOn the plus side, at least you wouldn’t have to carry a handbag with these: you could probably fit just about everything you’d need inside those massive turn-ups, huh? On the minus side, however… well, the mugshot pretty much speaks for itself here, doesn’t it? If you have $270 burning a hole in your pocket, and a hankering for a big ol’ hemline, however, you know exactly what to do…

Crimes of Fashion

Cut-out jeans, and other crimes of fashion

jeans with cut-outs at the hip

MOTO cut-out-pocket mom jeans

“Cold-shoulder” tops have been around for a while now, and while they’re not exactly our style, they’re not too hard to understand, either: well, on a hot day, a bare shoulder might just seem like a good idea, no?

These, on the other hand – well, we guess these should really be called “cold hip jeans”: and we’ve no idea why they exist. (Other than the need to be “edgy” and “unexpected”, even if it means walking around with your love-handles on show.) The main issue here, as far as we’re concerned, is that while cold-shoulder tops could be pleasantly cooling on a hot summer’s days, these just look … well, COLD, really. Because if it’s cold enough to wear jeans, would it really be simultaneously so warm that your hips would start to feel sweaty? We doubt it, somehow: and we also doubt anyone really wants to see our own ageing flesh peeking out of a pair of mom jeans, so we’ll leave these to those of you who think you can make them work, and move on to our second suspect of the week:

Jacquemus Wave Pants

Jacquemus Wave Pants

They’re… better than the jeans above them, we’ll give them that. Only in the “at least we wouldn’t freeze in them” sense, though (Can you tell the thought of cold hips in winter is really getting to is): that aside, we’re actually not sure the “cartoon character” look is THAT much better, all things considered. Would you wear these? If you answered “yes” to that, we hope you have a spare $535 burning a hole in your pocket: and hey! Maybe that’s what happened to Topshop’s mom jeans?!

P.S. Don’t forget to check out some of these new styles from our partners at Shopbop, including brands like Jacquemus, Tanya Taylor, Theory, FRAME, Theory and more.

shopbop

Crimes of Fashion

Return of the Fur Vest

Is it just us, or does anyone else think this looks like some strange kind of Ewok fetish wear?

Fendi fur vest

Just us? Oh, come ON: you can totally see this in some kind of adult remake of Return of the Jedi, can’t you? If only it was THAT innocent, though, people: because, the fact is, this ISN’T a costume from a movie (not even a really bad one): it’s a Fendi vest. And it’s £11,000, too. (Well, £11, 450, if you want to be accurate, but we’re guessing that if you were OK with paying £11,000 for a VEST, you’re probably not going to be quibbling over the rest of the price tag, are you? Didn’t think so.)

Once again, we find ourselves amazed: not only that there are apparently enough people in the world who are willing and able to buy something like this for someone at  Louisa Via Roma to think, “Yeah, we totally need to stock that…” but also that fur is suddenly fashionable again. And yeah, we know, we know: it’s been happening for a while now, but even just a few years ago, a vest made from fox, mink and goat fur would have ruffled a few feathers at the very least. Now, though, it seems to be accepted that real fur is back in fashion – and we guess that while designers can convince people to pay £11,000 to look like they’re about to star in some Ewok porn, that’s probably never going to change, is it?

P.S. If you want to rest your eyes after what you’ve just seen, don’t forget to check out our sponsors at Shopbop. Last week’s sale is now over, but there’s still plenty of good stuff in the ‘New In’ section to keep you occupied: and none of it costs £11,000, either. Or, at least, we hope not…)

Crimes of Fashion

Good shoes gone bad, and other crimes of fashion

Topshop half-moon sweater

“Fashion crime” is probably too strong a charge for this Topshop sweater: by which we mean we probably wouldn’t arrest you for wearing it – but we would pull you over and ask you some questions. “WHY?” would be the first one that would spring to mind, really. Why would you need a sweater with a giant cut-out section in one side? And it’s not like it would be a particularly attractive sweater WITHOUT the cut-out either, so again: WHY? Does the cut-out make it better or worse? Are we asking too many questions? OK then, moving on…

Also from Topshop, and also falling into the “probably not a CRIME, exactly, but still plenty puzzling” category, comes these shoes:

Toshop shearling heel mules

Shearling heel mules. Again: WHY? Fur/sheepskin on shoes is something that’s always struck us as spectacularly impractical, not to mention rather unattractive (especially once the shoes in question have survived the typical British winter – or summer, even), but it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, and we’re still seeing furry soled and heeled shoes popping up everywhere. We despair. Look at these ones, for instance, which will instantly make you look like you’re in fancy dress as one of Chewbacca’s cousins:

furry mules

Or these ones, which come from a school of design we think of as “child’s art project gone badly wrong”:

fur and glitter shoes

This one is a particularly sad example, because these shoes could so easily have been saved, couldn’t they? The fact is, there’s actually a pretty nice shoe looking under the blue pom pom and random red fur “tail” – and sure, it’s a slightly-over-the-top shoe even WITHOUT the fur, but we could live with that. What we couldn’t live with, however, is all that unnecessary fluff – which turns this into a classic case of good shoe gone bad.

[P.S. Don’t forget to check out the New In Section at Shopbop, for lots of summer fashion!]

new in at Shopbop

Crimes of Fashion

These jeans are very distressed…

distressed jeans

Over the years we’ve been policing, we’ve become pretty resigned to distressed jeans: to even accept them. Sometimes, a bit of distressing adds to the effect: it either creates that effortless, worn-in look, or it just makes the jeans look a little more interesting – a little less “here I am, in my very best jeans, that I’ve carefully ironed for the occasion!”

Other times, though… other times, it just ends up looking like this. These jeans are a little bit more than just “distressed” aren’t they? These jeans are freaking the hell out. They’re not “effortlessly worn-in”, either: in fact, a whole lot of effort has gone into make them look like they’ve been worn to death. (And these ones aren’t much better… )

For us, distressed jeans only really work when they actually look like the distressing could have happened naturally, over time, instead of looking like someone played a cruel joke on the wearer: like, they fell asleep somewhere, and woke up to find someone “hilarious” prankster had cut a giant hole in their best jeans. So, maybe something like this, say:

Blank Denim jeans These are by Blank Denim, and come highly recommended by The Fashion Police – and not just because they’re only $88, either. (They also do some non-distressed versions, which are worth checking out.)

As for the other fashion crimes we’ve arrested this week, well, it’s been a fairly quiet week on that front, but we would like to submit these shoes into evidence:

green fluffy shoes

We’re not sure why this “furry shoes” thing continues to be A Thing, but we remain ever grateful for the fact that they DON’T yet seem to be A Thing in the real world. Which is a bit of a shame, in some ways: can you imagine how much it would brighten your day to see people walking along the street with green furry feet? It’s almost worth letting these go free, just to make that happen…

Crimes of Fashion

Unitards: who’s actually buying them?

ASOS unitard

ASOS unitard

ASOS unitard

all unitards: ASOS

Remember when ASOS used to be called ‘As Seen On Screen’? It seems like a long time ago now, but the original concept of the site was to sell affordable versions of the clothes celebrities wear “on screen”, so each item would be “As Seen on X Celebrity”. Well, the name may have been truncated to simply ‘ASOS’, and the celeb-centric concept has long been ditched in favour of providing all kinds of clothing, for all kinds of events, but if you take a quick look at the unitards section, you might be forgiven for wondering if someone at ASOS still secretly wishes they were dressing celebrities, rather than the girl next door.

Seriously: these three unitards wouldn’t look out of place on stage at a Katy Perry concert or similar, but we’re seriously struggling to imagine where else someone would actually want to wear them. We can’t imagine a single one of our friends or acquaintances (and we’re including people in their teens and early 20s in that list, by the way, before you go dismissing us with the usual, “Yeah, but you’re old, Fashion Police!” argument…) seeing one of these on ASOS, and thinking, “Hell yeah: that’s EXACTLY what I’ve been looking for – my wardrobe dilemma is now solved!” Because what possible kind of wardrobe dilemma could be solved only by a semi-sheer or “haha, you thought I was naked, didn’t you!” unitard? Other than Halloween, obviously?

Actually, come to think of it, if your lifestyle does regularly present you with those kind of dilemmas, then, honestly, you sound like you have a pretty cool life, and we wish you’d tell us about it. As for us, however, we’re closing down the “unitard” section and searching for the “clothes you can actually wear in your day-to-day life” one: sounds like a plan…

Crimes of Fashion

Fashion Crimes of the Week: Pom Poms and Denim

pom pom cardigan

pom pom cardigan and distressed dungarees

For as long as The Fashion Police have been in existence, one of our most hated crimes of fashion has always been something we refer to as the “Dress Like a Toddler” trend. This is, in case you haven’t guessed, when grown women (and men) wear clothing that wouldn’t look out of place on a three year old – but which DOES look just a little bit out of place on the aforementioned grown adult. Now, we’re not saying that as soon as you reach maturity you have to start dressing all “sensible”, and wearing the kind of clothes your grandma might approve of: we’re just never going to understand why people willingly infantilise themselves with their clothing. And we’re never going to. Look, we’ve been writing this blog for ten years now and we STILL don’t get it, even after dozens of comments from people telling us how WRONG we are, and how AWESOME it is to climb  into a giant onesie at the end of the day. Sorry, toddler-clothing fans.

Which brings us to this little combo from ASOS. We think they’re reached peak “Dress Like a Toddler” with this one: we guess the only difference is that the toddler probably couldn’t be persuaded to wear the cardigan for too long – can you imagine how uncomfortable it would be trying to sit or lie down in that thing, with all of those pom poms sticking into your back?

Another thing we’ve never been able to get on board with is the flagrant mis-use of denim, as evidenced by Marques Almeida:

ruffled denim fashion crimeruffled denim fashion crimeruffled denim fashion crimeruffled denim fashion crimeruffled denim fashion crime

Our thinking? Denim is at its best when it’s also at its simplest. The second you start to add distressing, ruffles, ruching, patches, embellishment etc, you’re on a slippery slope towards the land of Fashion Crime.  A small amount of any of these might just work: too much of any one of them, though, and you better watch out -someone might call The Fashion Police…

Crimes of Fashion

If you saw it in a thrift store…

… would you pay £50 for this playsuit?

denim playsuit

We’re going to go with “no” on this one – in fact, we’d probably take one look at it and wonder how on earth the staff in the store had let something so obviously past its best under their radar… and who on earth would buy it. If we looked at the price label and saw it was £50, we’d be even MORE amazed – even if it still had the tags on, and was obviously unworn: and we’d be even LESS likely to buy it, obviously!

Of course, taste is subjective, and for every officer out there who wouldn’t wear this playsuit even if you paid HER £50, there’s another who’d happily pay twice as much for the privilege – isn’t fashion a wonderful thing?

Here are some other playsuits that have caught the attention of our officers lately…

strange playsuit

This one looks like some kind of wardrobe malfunction in progress – or, alternatively, some strange kind of crocheted jellyfish. You know those heart-sinking moments when you step outside in a floaty skirt, and the wind blows it right up in your face? That moment can be a permanent one, with the help of this playsuit – at least you’ll know you’re wearing your most sensible bloomers underneath, though!

denim playsuit

This one, meanwhile, goes a long way towards convincing us that denim playsuits are just a bad idea, all round. Er, at least it’s probably practical for… something? Days when it’s cold enough for long sleeved denim, but warm enough for shorts, maybe? We have no idea: but if there’s a denim jumpsuit out there that’s NOT a crime of fashion, we’d really like to see it. (No, really, we’d love to see this mythical item, because until we do, we just won’t believe it exists…)

P.S. Want to look at some cute stuff, rather than fashion crimes? Head over to our sister site ShoeperWoman, for fashion, beauty and lifestyle topics and advice – and not a denim jumpsuit in sight!

Crimes of Fashion

A fringe too far

Well, we’ve once again reached that time of year, when, likely inspired by Coachella and other festivals, fashion designers decide to start pushing fringed items on us, so we can all pretend to be flower children or something.

“Festival fashion” has a lot to answer for, basically: especially when people who aren’t even going to festivals start thinking they have to wear some strange, 70s-inspired “costume”, normally involving flower garlands and the likes. But we digress.

Here’s an example of a pair of jeans that have been given the “fringe” treatment: with fairly comical results:

fringed jeans

Jeans: River Island

Now, we’re going to assume these will probably be popular. It’s festival season, after all: people are going to look at these and say things like, “It’s an interesting twist on an old classic!” and other stuff designed to make you think that if you wear jeans WITHOUT rips and tears and giant fringes around the ankles, then you’re hopelessly out-of-date, and just really quite tragic, basically. As for us, meanwhile: we look at these jeans and see an item of clothing that’s been the victim of a crime of fashion: and it’s not the only one, either:

Zara frayed denim cullottes

Culottes: Zara

OK, one garment like this could’ve been an accident, but two? Two seems like the start of a crimewave to us. The worst thing about these frayed hems is how deliberate they look: we don’t mind destroyed denim when it has that effortless, “these are my favourite jeans: I’ve had them for years” look to it. When it has more of an “I was up all night painstakingly trying to make my denim look old and worn in: please tell me I look cool!” look to it, we’re less impressed.

Finally:

frayed denim jeans

frayed denim jeans: ASOS

In this case, the frayed hems are actually the least of the crimes, aren’t they? Who’d have thought that was even possible?

Crimes of Fashion

From the ‘Where Would You Wear It?” Files…

mesh leggings

Mesh leggings. MESH. LEGGINGS. If ever there were two words that should never appear in a sentence, “mesh” and “leggings” would be those words. Alarmingly, these aren’t the worst example we’ve ever seen, but that doesn’t necessarily exonerate them, does it? They definitely wouldn’t pass the “where would you wear them?” test (In which you have two seconds to come up with somewhere to wear the item in question: if you can’t do it, it’s guilty as charged…), let’s put it that way.

Three more words that shouldn’t ever been used in the same sentence – or, more accurately, in the same product description:

long scuba swimsuit

Long scuba swimsuit“. The “scuba” and “swimsuit” bits we can live with – nothing wrong with that. It’s when you add the word “long”, however, that things start to stray into “fashion crime” territory. What’s the point of the “half a leg” thing, after all? Why would you need it on a swimsuit? Why is it attached to the model’s ankle? Wouldn’t that be kinda annoying when you tried to walk? Can you even SWIM it it? Or is it one of those swimsuits that’s “just for show”? There are all questions which the prosecution would like to put to this swimsuit: we hope it has a good lawyer…

Finally, we know WHERE you’d wear these shoes

Vivienne Westwood toe shoes

Pretty much anywhere you’d wear shoes would work, wouldn’t it? We just don’t know WHY you’d wear them, and we never have. Sure, we know the “toe shoe” is Vivienne Westwood’s thing, and if you’re a fan, it’s a pretty iconic look. We also know that so many people love these shoes that if we tried to arrest them, we’d probably get ourselves lynched or something, so we’ll give them a pass – for now, at least…