Crimes of Fashion

      long-sleeved sweater

      How to save money on high fashion items

      You COULD spend $282 on this paint-spattered shirt: OR you could just spatter paint over an existing shirt for free. (Or for the cost of the paint, if you don’t have it. It probably won’t cost you almost $300, though.) Similarly, you COULD spend £795 on this KitKat inspired clutch bag: OR you could just buy a REAL Kit Kat and carry that around with you instead. You won’t be able to carry your stuff in it, true, but you can’t carry a whole lot of stuff in a clutch bag either, and you can’t eat one either – which you can do with the real Kit Kat. You COULD pay $430 for this extra-long-sleeved sweater: OR you could simply…

      goat hair slippers

      Gucci Horsebit-detailed goat hair slippers

      We seriously thought this was a joke at first. It looks like one, right? Smartly-dressed woman: maybe not everyone’s style, but she looks like she’s made a bit of effort with a classic jeans/blazer/scarf combo. Then you scroll down the page and… NO. No, no, NO. Goathair slippers should not be a thing. Seriously: leave the hair to the goats, people, because this looks absolutely ridiculous AND costs £1,230. When we first laid eyes on them, the fact that they were described as “slippers” made us think they were one of those “hilarious” animal-themed house slippers people like to wear. You know the ones that make you look like you stuffed your foot inside a teddy bear, or a monkey,…

      floral print blouse and trousers

      Crimes of Fashion Roundup

      ASOS are using the never-ending 70s-revival (can you still call it a “revival” if it’s been going on forever? Because we’re starting to think that if this 70s nonsense goes on any longer, it’ll stop being a ’70s revival’ and just be ‘what people wear now’. We really hope that day never comes, but ever pair of knitted flares makes it seem all the more likely…) as an excuse for all manner of fashion crimes. This isn’t even the worst example we’ve seen, but an all-beige knitted “costume” doesn’t seem like a good idea for anyone, really, does it? [Outfit: ZARA] You can cop all the attitude you like, missy: this is a great example of why head-to-toe floral print…

      image2xxl

      Good Clothes Gone Bad | The Back-Slit Dress

      Remember when we talked about when good clothes go bad? Well, here’s another example… [buy it here] Now,  in fairness, this one could’ve gone either way. It’s one of those dresses that got an instant, “OMGLOVEIT!” reaction from us, quickly followed by a, “Or DO I?” The shape is amazing, is as the subtle print, which seems just right for the upcoming winter seasons. Dresses with sleeves are still rare enough to make us want to buy every one we see (Seriously, why so many short-sleeved dresses in winter, fashion designers? Don’t you all get cold? Do you really want us to spoil your beautiful designs by layering cardigans and scarves over the top every single time we wear them?), and did…

      strange skirts

      Strange Skirts at Shopbop

      Strange skirts at Shopbop. Now try saying that fifteen times, fast. Then come and take a look at these skirts, which are pretty far from the usual run of pencil skirts, midis and A-lines… Karla Spetic ‘Hid Hand’ skirt, $525 It must’ve been a real lightbulb moment when Karla Spetic came up with this design, huh? (Sorry, couldn’t resist…) Moschino denim skirt, $550 If you think this one looks strange enough from the front, you might want to also take a look at the back view.  You might also want to consider never bending down in it – or if you do, make sure you’re wearing your best undies. Jacquemus fringe skirt, $336 When we read the words “fringe skirt”,…

      faux fur mules

      Crime of Fashion | Maison Martin Margiela faux-fur mules

      OK, we’re declaring a state of emergency. The fur shoes thing is getting out of hand. All summer we’ve watched as designers presented us with fur-covered shoe after fur-covered shoe. We hated them all, naturally – as far as we’re concerned, there’s never a good reason for a shoe to have fur on it, and whether it’s fake fur or not, it’s still always going to be a crime of fashion – but we bided our time and hoped it was just a flash-in-pan trend. There are even MORE furry shoes on show as part of the autumn/winter collections, however, so the situation seems to be getting worse rather than better. And as soon as we saw these faux fur…

      dress with a face

      Faces in Places: Anna Sui suede mini dress

      Can you see it? Can you see the face on this Anna Sui suede mini dress? Because we can see a face on this dress: and it’s not a happy face either. In fact, it’s a grump, annoyed face – a face that clearly says, “For crying out loud: why am I attached to a stupid suede mini dress? Why wouldn’t I have been a vintage Dior ballgown? Or something Taylor Swift might wear? Instead I’m stuck here with birds for eyes, and a really big nose…” Now can you see it? OK, OK, bad Photoshop is bad, we get it. But you see the face now, right? And now that you’ve seen it, you can’t UN-see it. That’s the…

      Balenciaga wool coat

      Good coat gone bad : Balenciaga camel coat

      It’s always disappointing when a good item of clothing goes bad, isn’t it? We’re talking here about those otherwise perfect items: the ones that SHOULD be on our “Wanted!” list, but which end up in Fashion Police Jail, on a minor misdemeanour. They’re the good clothes gone bad: the ones we’d love if it wasn’t one for one tiny little detail that ruins an otherwise perfect item. We’ve all seen them, haven’t we? There you are, rummaging through the rails in your favourite store, when all of a sudden you see what LOOKS like the perfect dress. Excitedly, you pull it from the rack… only to find that it has a giant cut-out section on the ribs, or it’s completely…

      Dolce & Gabbana print

      Colourful enough for ya?

      Ladies and gentlemen of the Fashion Police jury, the ‘new in’ section of Net-a-Porter this morning: WHOA. We think our eyeballs are on fire. And, you know, it’s not really fair to lump all  of these items together, really. We have a feeling that, on their own, some of them might be fine – in fact, some of them (like the bag, for instance), might actually be quite pretty. Put them all together, though, and… well, it’s just a bit louder than we’d like, first thing in the morning. We’re going to sentence each of these items to solitary confinement for a few days: by which we mean they should only ever be worn with the simplest of colours and…

      teddy beardress

      The biggest fashion mystery of our times

      [Buy it here] Sad times are upon us, Fashion Force. This week we finally realised that as long as there are people willing to wear dresses trimmed with teddy bears – and to pay £1174 for the privilege – the world will never be free from crimes of fashion. You might think that’s a good thing, of course. How boring would it be, after all, if everyone was impeccably dressed and stylish all the time, and no one ever wore a single teddy bear attached to their dress? It would be dull, to be sure. Fashion crimes make the world a far more interesting place – and they also make brands like Moschino a whole lot of money, because, as…

      neon shirt dress

      Shirt Story

      Shirts. We don’t find ourselves arresting them too often here, because, well, they’re shirts. Seriously, how badly wrong can you go with a classic button-down shirt? Well, we’ll tell you. THIS is how badly wrong you can go: [Buy it here] It’s Moschino. Obviously. Well, it’s not like many other brands would pull a stunt like this, is it? They’ll tell you they’re making a little joke, like, “this is how we made your shirt”, but, as always with Moschino, the real joke is on you, because you just paid £680 for something that looks like the pattern for a shirt rather than the shirt itself. If you’ll buy that, however, you’ll probably buy anything, so how about this one:…

      orange ASOS dress

      There’s Good News and There’s Bad News

      Good evening, ladies and gentlemen of the Fashion Police jury: today we bring you good news rather than bad, as Shopbop are offering an extra 25% off their sale prices for the next three days. You’ll find all of the info in the image above: now go forth and shop, and remember that we’re counting on you to lead by example and help fight those crimes of fashion. Crimes like this one, for instance: Seriously, what are we even looking at here? Because, if we didn’t know better, we’d honestly think we were on a fancy dress website, and this was some kind of ‘medieval wench’ costume. But no, it’s from ASOS, so we suppose it’s “fashion”, albeit for petite…

      designer handbag

      This is what a £1,000 designer handbag looks like

      Buy it here Yes, we were a bit surprised too, to be honest. Well, when you hear the words “designer handbag” and “£1000 of your British pounds,” you’re probably NOT expecting it to look like a Pinterest project gone wrong, are you? Just like how the words “biker jacket” don’t normally bring this kind of thing to mind, either: On the other hand, these ARE pretty much what we think of when we read the words “waxed stretch cotton twill cargo pants”: (No idea how the shoes are supposed to be described. Not asking.) And these seem like a pretty standard pair of lurex stretch pants: (Actually, we’re pretty sure we’ve seen these decorating toilets in photos of houses from…

      Irregular Choise dinosaur heels

      If you love dinosaurs, you’ll love these shoes

      We know a little girl who’d probably love these shoes – or the heels of them, at least.  She’s two, though. There is that. And that, in a nutshell, sums up exactly why we’ve never really got the appeal of the vast majority of Irregular Choice shoes. Sure, there’s the odd pair that looks like they may have been designed for adults, but when you find yourself admiring the same shoes as a toddler, you start wondering if perhaps time to re-assess. What makes a grown adult decide she wants to have two plastic dinosaurs attached to her feet? We don’t know, but we’re going to assume that any explanation would include liberal use of the words “fun”, “quirky”, “whimsical”…

      http://www.asos.com/ASOS/ASOS-Unitard-In-Tie-Dye-With-Ombre-Fringing/Prod/pgeproduct.aspx?iid=5102693&cid=2623&sh=0&pge=0&pgesize=36&sort=-1&clr=Multi&totalstyles=395&gridsize=3

      Festival Fashion Crimes

      We realise we’re beating a dead horse here, but… We’re not OK with this. We don’t think we’ll ever really be OK with unitards in a non-dance-related setting (By which we mean, “worn by dancers, gymnasts, etc – not simply “worn on the dancefloor”), but this one is troublesome on so many levels. The plunging neckline, from which the model’s boobs look to be in danger of escaping at any moment; the strange fringing, which makes it look more like a fancy dress costume than an actual item of clothing; THE SHOES. OK, we realise the unitard can’t technically be blamed for the shoes, but there seems to be some un-written rule in fashion right now which states that if…

      William Okpo knotted pants

      Get Knotted

      It’ll soon be shorts season, folks, but we’re not quite there yet, which means many of us are in search of the perfect transitional pieces, to wear now AND wear later in the season: William Okpo knotted pants, $210 Er, these pants aren’t it, by the way: these are just perfect for people who can’t make their minds up whether to wear shorts or pants. Or who really, really like their thighs, and want the world to know it. Faustine Steinmetz destroyed denim jacket, $1,320 The more destroyed something is, and the less wearable it is, the more expensive it is. So, if a denim jacket, say, looks like a denim jacket, and performs the basic functions of a denim…

      half dress, half-jacket

      Half dress, half-jacket

      It’s not often you hear people wondering aloud how they can make their legs looks SHORTER – and by that we mean “it’s not EVER”. Nevertheless, Incotex have set out to find the solution to this totally imaginary problem, and we think they’ve managed it too, with these trousers: Ta da! These will make your legs instantly look out of proportion to the rest of your body, so if that’s what you were aiming for, you now know how to do it. There’s no need to thank us. What if your problem isn’t that your legs are too long, though? What if your problem is that you want to make it clear to everyone that you’re not like all of…

      70s fashion

      The 70s revival has gone too far

      We feel like we’ve been fighting off the 70s fashion revival for months now. Probably because we have. When news of the 70s comeback first reared its head, back in January, we were concerned. We had a feeling this would all go horribly wrong, and that feeling stayed with us, no matter how many people tried to convince us a 70s revival could actually be a GOOD thing. “Open your minds, Fashion Police,” they said, “Allow a fashion era other than the 50s to infiltrate your closets!” (Which was unfair, really: we also like the 40s. And the early 60s.) Still we remained unconvinced. And, OK, I COULD have worked. If people had stuck to the occasional 70s-inspired element –…

      fashion-crimes

      New shoes don’t necessarily cure the blues

      They say new shoes cure the blues. What if the shoes in question look like THIS, though? We don’t know about you, but our blues have not been cured by these. Our officers found them on Louisa Via Roma, as examples of how (not) to style the equally interesting dress and shorts shown above. Despite searching through all of the shoes on the site, we couldn’t find these for sale: we’d imagine they’re probably by the same brand as the items they’ve been shown with (Au Jour Le Jour), but we can’t be sure, and didn’t feel inclined to take our enquiries any further, having been distracted by these: So. That whole “shoes you can sweep your floor with” trend…

      ball-of-fire-shorts

      The Ball of Fire Shorts

      Ball of Fire Shorts, $535 For once, we’re speechless. It’s… a pair of sports shorts with what appears to be some long, white hair attached to the crotch. And it’s $535. We’ve seen a lot of truly inexplicable items of clothing in our time at The Fashion Police, but this is up there with the strangest of them. The designer, Bernard Willhelm, calls this piece, ” a perfect failure”. We’d say at least one of those words is true: it’s up to you to decide which one. Before we  finish this post, let’s just take a few moments to remember this skirt: Ripped denim skirt, £96 Poor thing. It used to be just an ordinary denim skirt – one you’d…

      lace dress

      Dresses can be fashion crimes too

      [Buy it here] Last week we mentioned that, when it comes to fashion crimes, trousers seem to commit more than their fair share of them. Well, let the record show that dresses aren’t totally innocent either. Take the dress above, for instance. Now, we’re going to bet that a lot of you will like this. It has that whole, “Look, I’m naked under this meagre smattering of lace!” look going on, and people seem to LOVE that for some reason. We don’t, needless to say – we’ve actually had nightmares in which we’re out in public wearing just a meagre smattering of lace – but it’s not the top half of the dress we want to talk about today: it’s…

      ashish-jeans

      This is why we prefer dresses.

      As our officers parade the mean streets of the Internet’s retail sites, in search of fashion crimes to arrest, there are some types of clothing which are more likely than others to set our radar pinging. We could trawl dress or outerwear sections all day, for instance, and rarely see anything too unusual. Hit up the trousers section, however (Or the jumpsuits section, if there is one – oh lord, the things we’ve seen in jumpsuit sections!) and often we’ll end up having to call in reinforcements. It’s THAT bad. We’ve no idea why it is that trousers, jeans and jumpsuits seem to be that bit more likely to be crimes of fashion, but it’s true. Here are some recent…

      fox top

      What does the fox say?

      [Buy it for £230] Ah, the classic stripe t-shirt! So simple, and yet so effective, especially at this time of year, when it works effortlessly with a pair of jeans or a skirt. It’s an all-time classic… it’s also maybe a little bit boring, though? Don’t you think? So why not give the humble t-shirt a high-fashion makeover, with the addition of two giant, shiny red circles on the shoulders? That won’t look odd at all: One of the ways you tend to see stripe t-shirts worn is with white jeans or shorts, for a fresh, summery look. Might we suggest these? [Buy them for £48] These are sheer white culottes, with built-in shorts, so you won’t have to worry…

      jumpsuit with side boob

      Shoes to keep your feet dry

      Moschino terrycloth mules, £325 First of all, yes, these are by Moschino: how did you guess? (Er, apart from by the name on the label, obviously…) Secondly: no, your eyes do not deceive you – they really are made of terrycloth. As in, the same fabric as your towels, or your bathrobe. On the plus side, at least they’ll keep your feet nice and dry (except they won’t, because the towelling fabric is on the outside of the shoe, not the inside. If it was on the inside, they might have managed to escape Fashion Police arrest, but alas, no.) On the minus side, however… er, where do we start? We guess it basically boils down to the fact that these…

      feathered mary janes

      Feathered Fashion Fails

      This week, our officers identified a troubling new mini-trend: the feathered shoe: [feathered mules] My Theresa describes these as “the epitome of sheer elegance”. We, meanwhile, would describe them more like, “the epitome of roadkill, lying there all sad and bedraggled on the ground.” What’s that you say? They’re NOT actually “bedraggled”? Well, not NOW they’re not, but imagine what they’d look like after you’d taken even a very short walk in them? Even if you only ever wear them indoors, you’re going to end up with clean floors (Which we guess would be kind of cool, actually: you get to clean your house without actually feeling like you’re cleaning your house…), but very dirty shoes. Wear them on a…

      Vedder shorts

      Eddie Vedder has a lot to answer for

      [The Vedder Shorts: Buy them here for $495] We should probably begin this post by issuing a public apology to Eddie Vedder, who, of course, had absolutely nothing to do with these shorts. (Because, yes, those are shorts: the model isn’t just wearing a flannel shirt tied around her waist. Why would she do that, when she can pay almost $500 instead to just LOOK like she’s wearing a shirt tied around her waist?) He does seem to have in some way inspired them, however – at least, that’s what we’re assuming from the name (They’e called ‘The Vedder Shorts’), and the fact that they appear to be some kind of homage to the grunge scene of the 90s, of which…

      Rick Owens clog sandals

      Crime of Fashion? Rick Owens clog sandals

      Rick Owens is no stranger to the inside of a Fashion Police cell: in fact, we’ve investigated his designs so often we consider him to be something of a master criminal. Today, we’re taking a close look at the evidence above: one “90mm clog leather wedge sandal”, according to Louisa Via Roma. We’re glad they cleared that up for us: if we hadn’t read the product description, we’d probably have assumed this was some kind of medieval device designed to allow the wearer to plough fields, simply by walking over them. These will set you back no less than £1,517, and just in case you’re looking at  them thinking, “I love them! But what on earth will I wear with…

      dress or bag

      Guess What It Is

      Anyone feel like hazarding a guess at what this is? Without cheating by scrolling down the page for the answer, we mean? Is it a sleeping bag? A tent? Some kind of Ikea lampshade cover? Because it totally looks like an Ikea lampshade cover, don’t you think? It isn’t, though. Although we’d possibly like it better if it was. No, this colourful item is, in fact… [Buy it] ..a designer dress! Which will cost you £1,172.53. One. Thousand. One. Hundred. And Seventy Two. Pounds. And fifty-three pence. Nope, it doesn’t get any easier to believe the more you say it. Quite the opposite, in fact. What people choose to spend their money on is their business, obviously, but we have…

      cheap-monday

      Crimes Against Denim from Cheap Monday

      [Buy them here] Imagine, if you will, that you’re wearing your very favourite pair of black skinny jeans. OK, they’re starting to look a little bit grey and worn, but that’s OK, because it just makes them look even better. Some people actually PAY to buy brand new jeans that look like they’ve been worn to death, but you’re no fashion victim, so you’ve worn yours in the old-fashioned way: by actually, you know, wearing them. Some people still do that, apparently. But we digress. There you are, wearing your favourite jeans, when – horror of horrors! – you spill a can of white paint ALL OVER THEM. (Don’t ask us what you were doing painting in your favourite jeans:…

      white stilettos with lurex socks

      Socks and stilettos, from Jeffrey Campbell

      [Buy them here] Remember when white stilettos used to be considered a crime of fashion? Wait, scratch that: you’re all probably too young to remember those days, aren’t you? There was a time, however, when white stilettos were a key part of the whole “Essex girl” stereotype, and were just about as tacky as it was possible for a pair of shoes to get. Those days are long gone, of course, but sometimes once your brain has made a particular association, it can be hard to shake it, so, for us, it’s hard to see white stilettos without also thinking of orange fake tan, long acrylic fingernails (ideally with some kind of diamanté accessories stuck to them), and spidery false…

      cropped wide-leg trousers with fringe detail

      Fringe Fashion Crimes

      1 / 2 You know those home-made posters people put up when they have a room to rent, or something to sell? The ones with the little strips cut into the bottom of the page, each with the person’s phone number on it, so you can tear one off and keep it? That’s what these skirts remind us of: they’re basically just an invitation for each passer-by to tear off a strip of fabric, in the hope that another, nicer skirt, will be revealed underneath. Or a pair of baggy cropped pants, as is the case with the first item. Sadly, we don’t think that would work, even if someone were to attempt it, in a kind of undercover attempt…

      tulle hoodie

      Who said hoodies were boring?

      Ah, the humble hoodie! It’s probably never going to be considered the most stylish item of clothing out there (Then again, we said that about Birkenstocks, and look what happened there. Never say ‘never’, Fashion Force…), but they’re one of those items most of us own anyway. They come in handy when you’re cuddled up on the couch, say, or going for a run on a chilly day. We at The Fashion Police wouldn’t be without a good hoodie or two, but now that we’ve seen this one by Nicopanda, we have to say, we’re looking at hoodies in a while new light. This is a basic black hoodie, of the type you see everywhere. There’s one important exception, however. Can…

      Untitled-2

      The 70s REVIVAL WILL BE WORSE THAN WE THOUGHT

      1  /  2 We’ve talked a lot this year so far about the ongoing 70s revival in fashion, and our fears for where this trend might take us. Every time we’ve contemplated the 70s comeback, we’ve crossed our fingers and hoped it might just be OK. We’ve been hoping for an ‘Ali McGraw in Lovestory’ version of the 70s, or a Bianca Jagger-inspired one, say. It’ll never be our favourite fashion era, for sure, but that doesn’t mean it can’t work, if it’s done right: many of our issues with 70s style, after all, are purely questions of personal taste, which is, of course, entirely subjective. We may not like all of the styles that are resulting from this trend,…

      socks with sandals

      Socks and sandals: no longer a crime of fashion, apparently

      ASOS Remember the days when socks with sandals was considered one of the biggest fashion faux pas a person could commit? We do. We miss those days, actually. Back then socks-with-sandals tended to be the sole province of elderly British tourists on holiday in the Costa del Sol. They didn’t look stylish, but they weren’t trying to be, so everyone was prepared to turn a blind eye to the thick white socks and the sensible sandals. (Another variation of this look: shorts worn with dress shoes and black socks.) Those days are gone, however. These days, socks-with-sandals have been embraced by the fashion community. They’re now worn by bright young things: models, fashionistas – anyone who thinks they can pull…

      caution

      Time to add Louisa Via Roma to your ‘Not Safe for Work’ list

      Louisa Via Roma: designer fashion retailer, beloved by fashionistas everywhere. They sell Christian Louboutin shoes, Dolce & Gabbana dresses, exquisitely made handbags… Oh yeah, and this: They describe it (not inaccurately) as a “tulle nun oufit”, and charge £200 for it. Now, don’t get us wrong: we’re not totally naive. We know there are people who probably have a use for this kind of thing – and we’re not talking about actual nuns, by the way – and we offer no judgement on that: it’s the context that was a little confusing. Well, it’s just not the kind of thing you expect to find when you’re window shopping for a designer handbag, or scrolling past the aforementioned  aforementioned shoes, bags and other…

      big shoes

      Hey, Bigfoot

      All items: ASOS Shoes just aren’t fun any more. It’s disappointing, really. Over the course of the last year or two, we’ve watched with growing horror as the world of footwear took a turn for the ugly. We’ve traced the progress back to Jeffrey Campbell’s ubiquitous ‘Lita’ platforms. Rumour has it that at one point you weren’t actually allowed to start a fashion blog unless you were able to provide proof that you owned at least one pair of Litas, and were prepared to wear them in every single outfit photo. From there, it was just a short (albeit clumpy) step to the Birkenstocks and the other orthopaedic styles – many of which are now being worn with socks, as if that…

      this is not a Moschino t-shirt

      This is not a Moschino t-shirt, it’s a possible crime of fashion

      This is Not a Moschino T-Shirt, £860 At this point, policing the world of Moschino feels a little bit like shooting fishing in a barrel: it’s almost like they WANT to be caught by The Fashion Police, isn’t it? Still, we swore a solemn oath to fight crimes of fashion (You should see the Fashion Police swearing-in ceremony: it’s more fun than the MET Gala, seriously…), and we’ll continue to do that, even when we suspect the criminals are deliberately provoking us. Which brings us to this bag, which is NOT – we repeat, NOT – a Moschino t-shirt. Moschino have been working this schtick for a while now, using a heavy dose of self-reflexive irony to gently poke fun…

      ripped jeans

      Please make it stop.

      This is a joke, right? Please, someone tell us this is a joke: we’re not sure we can handle the idea of a world in which people will willingly hand over £116 in order to wear jeans that look like they’re only just managing to hold themselves together. Seriously, if you really MUST make yourself look like this, at least rip up an old pair of jeans you no longer have any use for: it still won’t look good, but at least it won’t feel like taking your money and throwing it down the drain. In comparison to the above, that whole ’70s-revival’ we’ve been talking about is actually starting to sound pretty good. Oh no, sorry, our mistake: it’s…

      silk harem jumper

      Three pairs of pants you couldn’t pay us to wear

      BLACK MESH JOGGERS, $60 As far as we can tell, the sole purpose of these jogging pants (and drop-crotch jogging pants, too! All our least-favourite things, together in one garment!) is to provide a support-system for the two giant pockets which are clearly visible through the mesh fabric. We have no idea why the people who buy these wouldn’t just attach a couple of pockets to a long piece of string and drape it around their necks: it would create more or less the same effect, after all. WRINKLED PANTS, LONG SLEEVES This outfit breaks two of our most fundamental laws of style: 1. Buy clothes that fit you: or have them tailored, if they don’t. 2. IRON YOUR PANTS…

      frumpy denim skirt

      Denim is about to get ugly

      Be honest: you’d hide your face from the camera too if you were wearing something that looked like this, wouldn’t you? Today, Fashion Force, we’re the bearer of bad tidings: denim is going to get really ugly this year. And we thought it was bad enough LAST year! The item at the top of the page (er, whatever it is…) is a dress (or so we’re reliably informed), and here’s what it looks like from the front: To think we’re not even halfway through January, and already we have a contender for the Most Awkward Pose of the Year Award, too! Oh, fashion, you’re really spoiling us! (Note the presence of the now-ubiquitous ugly shoes in this outfit, readers. Every…

      suspender jeans

      Crime of Fashion? Suspender jeans

      It’s our first arrest of 2015, and we really hope this one hasn’t set the tone for the year, because we just don’t think our officers could cope with more than one pair of “suspender” jeans. Actually, it’s hard enough to believe there’s a demand for this pair. They’re $450 for one thing (And that’s the sale price, by the way – they WERE $750), and also, well, LOOK AT THEM. This fashion crime is particularly amusing to us, because one of our very first arrests (We can’t seem to locate it in the archive, and that’s probably a good thing, trust us…) involved a pair of jeans not unlike these in concept, but which were clearly a bad DIY…

      crimes-of-fashion

      Clothes for the Chronically Undecided

      Happy new year, fashion fans! We hope you enjoyed bidding farewell to 2014, and a ready to start fighting the fashion crimes which will face us this coming year. Before we do, though, we still have some past crimes to ponder, so today we continue our blast from the past, with a look back at one of the strangest trends to hit the world of high fashion in. We called this trend ‘The Worst of Both Worlds’, however we have to salute the ingenuity of the designers who went out of their ways to provide a style solution for those people who just can’t decide what they want to wear in the morning. Will it be trousers or a skirt?…

      the ugliest dresses of the year

      The Ugliest Dresses of 2014

      We hope all our officers are having a happy holiday season, and taking the opportunity to rest up and get ready for a super-stylish new year. Right now, though, it’s still 2014, and we’re continuing our look back at some of the biggest fashion fails of the year – in our opinion, at least. This time we’re looking at some of the ugliest dresses of the year, and, as with our last roundup, these are all items from our archive , which means you’re unlikely to be still be able to buy most of them – unless you’re very unlucky. Here are some of our least favourite dresses of the year:  Meadham Kirchhoff rubber apron dress 2013 brought us one of…

      the ugliest trousers of 2014

      The Ugliest Trousers of 2014

      The holiday season is almost upon us, and, it being the season of goodwill and all that, The Fashion Police generally like to declare a fashion crime amnesty at this time of year, allowing fashion criminals to go forth and do their worst, without fear of arrest. While our officers take a break from hunting down new crimes of fashion, however, we thought we’d take a quick look back at some of the items already in our jail. We’re starting off with the trousers section, which encompasses shorts, jeans, jumpsuits – anything with two legs, in other words. Or sometimes with just one, actually. Well, you know how these fashion crimes can be. Here are some of what we think…

      Prada fake leg boots

      Prada’s ‘fake leg’ boots are now available at Yoox.com

      Remember Prada’s infamous ‘Look! It’s a prosthetic leg!” boots? We arrested the Mary Jane version back in 2011, but it would appear these possibly weren’t the instant sellout the brand were hoping for, and you can still find the odd pair (and we mean that literally: they’re very “odd”, aren’t they?) floating around the internet. Our officers apprehended this suede version at Yoox.com, where they’re currently selling for an ambitious £506 – although if you don’t wear UK size 4.5 or 5.5 you could be destined for disappointment. (Or a lucky escape, depending on how you look at it.) Designed to create the appearance of a bare leg with a black, ankle-strap pump on the foot, these are Footwear Impostors…

      dungaree shorts

      Shorts + Dungarees = Crime of Fashion

      [Buy them here] It’s hard to imagine the thought process that goes into creating something like this. By that, we mean, it’s hard not to imagine it going something like this: IMPORTANT FASHUN DESIGNER: “Hmmm, I think I’ll design a pair of dungarees. Dungarees have never been cool, so, in making them, I’ll enable people to brag about wearing a “difficult” piece of clothing, and that will make them seem really hip and experimental, because they’ll be eschewing the usual “rules” of flattering your figure etc, and wearing something that indicates they don’t give a crap about how they look. Which will make them look even MORE hip and edgy. Then I will be the designer who made dungarees fashionable,…

      dress with four sets of arms

      This dress is ‘armful

      [Buy it here] It’s not often we get to make the same bad joke twice in quick succession, but having recently shown you the ‘armless coat, we couldn’t resist pointing out its opposite – the ‘armful dress. (As in, it’s full of arms…) Yes, Fashion Force, this dress has twice the usual amount of arms (Although, in its defence, only two of them appear to be functional), and the model looks every bit as confused by that fact as we are. Her facial expression in the second image says it all: she’s all, “Seriously? You want me to WEAR this thing?” Never forget that Modelling Is Hard, people. In addition to the fact that the dress basically has a sweater…

      Birkenstocks with socks

      Skirt, Sandals, Socks

      [Buy here] Back in the summer, Birkenstocks (or Birkenstock-style sandals) all of a sudden became the height of fashion, and every edgy fashionista dutifully rushed out and bought a pair. There they all were, clomping around in hideous shoes, declaring that they’d “always” loved them – even although they had never even mentioned them before that moment, and actually wouldn’t have been caught dead in them until they were officially declared “bang on trend.” Meanwhile, all those people who actually HAD always worn Birkenstocks – mostly for reasons that had absolutely nothing to do with being “bang on trend” – silently seethed at unwittingly being made to look like fashion victims, just for continuing to wear what they liked. These…

      overpriced denim jacket

      How much would you pay for a beat-up denim jacket?

      [Buy it here] Can you guess how much this denim jacket costs, Style Sleuths? No cheating, now: don’t go clicking on the link and pretending you knew all along. Just give us your best guess, taking into account the fact that the style is dated, the denim is busted, and it looks suspiciously like its been cobbled together from a pair of jeans. Any guesses? OK, we’ll tell you: this denim jacket will set you back £1,735 British Pounds – or roughly $2,700. Surprised? We were. But then again, not really, because, you know, FASHUN. Only in the wonderful world of high fashion does something become more expensive the worse it looks. If it looks like something you wouldn’t be…

      orange Valentino dress

      We’re, like, totally obsessed with this orange Valentino dress

      Valentino orange silk dress, $3,700 We’ve always hated it when people use the word “brave” to describe someone’s fashion choices. Not only is it something of a back-handed compliment to give someone, (“Oh, that’s such a BRAVE choice!” is generally fashion-speak for, “Wow, what a hot mess!”) it also leaves you with no way to describe things that are ACTUALLY “brave”. If wearing clothes is “brave”, how do you describe someone who runs into a burning building to rescue a kitten, for instance? You’d have no words, would you? (See also: people who use the word “OBSESSED” when what they actually mean is “I glanced at this, and I quite like it, but I’ll have forgotten all about it by the…

      bucket shaped skirt

      The Story of a Skirt

      So, here’s what we think happened: it was The Clothes Ripper. Yes, AGAIN. This poor model was obviously just walking around, minding her own business, as you do. In a $160 bra. Well, we’ve all been there, haven’t we? Maybe everything else was in the wash that day, who knows? Anyway, she’s minding her own business, as we said, when out he pops: THE CLOTHES RIPPER! And he makes off with her trousers/jeans/skirt/whatever she was wearing before this skirt took over. So there she is, poor thing: alone on the street, with just a powder blue bra for cover. What does our quick-thinking model do? She pops into the nearest convenience store, buys herself a cheap plastic bucket, a pair…

      asymmetric coat in two colours

      Can’t make up your mind which winter coat to go for?

      [Buy it here for $928] For most of us, winter coats definitely fall into the category of “investment purchase” – and that means choosing one can be tricky. Because winter coats tend to be one of the more expensive clothing purchases you make all year, and also because you know you’re going to be wearing whichever one you choose every day for weeks, you really don’t want to make an expensive mistake. But what style to choose? Should you go for Dull-But-Sensible black or navy: the workhorse coat, which will go with everything, but never really make you excited to wear it? Or should you go throw caution to the wind, with the Pop-of-Colour coat? Sure, it might clash with…

      ugly-trousers

      Help fight these terrible trouser crimes

      Please note, Fashion Force: this is not a drill. These are not simply expensive Halloween costumes – even although they look like they are. These are actual fashion items, designed to be worn in your day-to-day life. Tell us, though: would you wear these? [Buy them here for £432] It’s testament to the length of time we’ve been in the fashion crime-fighting business that our first thought upon seeing these wasn’t, “OMG, see-through pants!” but “Well, at least they’re not TOTALLY sheer…” And they’re not. There are some embroidered sections to, er, protect your modesty. Just make sure you wear your best undies with them: we’ll know if you don’t. [Buy them here for £165] We’ve been fighting the good…

      foot snatcher

      The Foot Snatcher Strikes at Haider Ackermann

      The Foot Snatcher is a dangerous fashion criminal who snatches the feet of unsuspecting fashion victims. The Snatcher’s usual weapon of choice is a pair of overly-long pants, however, as these poor models discovered, there are other ways to snatch feet, too: Buy it here for £1650 We THINK that’s a skirt, but it could also be long pants. Or it could simply be a blanket wrapped around the model’s waist. What we DO know is that it surely has to be hard to walk with all of that fabric swirling around your feet ,no? Hard, and also kinda filthy. Imagine the hems of that skirt/trouser/whatever it is after a short stroll along the average city street. Now imagine them…

      strange sweaters

      Not Your Average Sweaters

      It’s sweater weather! No doubt you’ll have already seen a million fashion editorials, and a million-and-one blog posts helpfully informing you of this very fact. Gone are the days when the humble sweater was the “sensible” choice for a cold day, however. No, today’s sweaters are fashion-forward, edgy and unique. And probably not much use on a cold day, come to think of it. Take a look at this suspect, for instance: Costume National Wool Vest, $999 We guess you could layer something under it if you actually wanted to beat the chill in it? You’d still look and feel like you were in a cocoon, obviously, but maybe that’s the point? Along somewhat similar lines, but with fewer cutouts,…

      leather trousers

      Would it sell on eBay?

      We’ve been here before, we know: Jeremy Scott patent lace-up trousers, £1110 Well, not here EXACTLY, obviously. Thankfully we don’t see too many pairs of pants like this as part of mainstream fashion collections, (When we do, though, Jeremy Scott is often responsible…), but there was a trend for patent skirts last winter, and it looks like some factions of the fashion world are attempting to resurrect it for winter 2014. The trousers at the top of the page are a fairly extreme example of this look, but here’s another version, this time from Christopher Kane: Christoper Kane coat, £3,460 This isn’t nearly as bad as the pants (although the fact that we can’t help but imagine them together will…

      03TA13760002_1

      A contender for the Fashion Criminal of the Year Award

      Buy It First things first: there IS no Fashion Criminal of the Year Award. Because we don’t believe anyone should be allowed to profit from crime. If there WAS an award for the fashion crime to end all fashion crimes, however, we reckon this jumpsuit would definitely be a contender. Where do we even start with this one? Let’s see… 01. It’s a Stuck-Together-Clothes Crime. On multiple counts. A shir, stuck a sweater, stuck to leggings, stuck to stirrups… Speaking of which: 02. STIRRUP PANTS. 03. Leggings are not pants: never, ever forget… 04. The Unacceptable Use of Animal Print. We’ll overlook animal print on shoes and other accessories – maybe even on the odd coat, if we’re feeling generous. We…

      miu miu mini

      The Emperor’s New Miu Miu Mini Skirt

      Well, well… looks like the Empress has been doing some shopping! This is by Miu Miu, it’s £2,295, and if you’re thinking it’s probably somehow less revealling ON than it looks in the photo, well, you’d be wrong: Seriously. Someone needs to explain this to us. (Preferably in a patronising way: we like that…*) We GUESS we could POSSIBLY see it as some kind of fancy swimwear, but … who pays £2,295 for swimwear? And this model is wearing shoes: we don’t think she’s going swimming, somehow. There’s also the option that you’re supposed to wear a slip of some kind underneath it, with the “skirt” becoming a kind of embellished over-layer for your regular clothes. That would make much…

      crimes of fashion: window skirt

      (Fashion) Criminal Damage & other crimes of fashion:

      This look is by Criminal Damage, which is a good name for the brand that brings us this: This “I made it by cobbling chocolate wrappers together” look is yet another step forward for the “clothes that look like food packets” trend.  We never would have thought there would come a time when there would be a ‘Food Packet’ trend, but it’s here, and it’s growing: we must be ever vigilant. We’re not sure we’d have been on board with this outfit even if it DIDN’T depict chocolate wrappers, mind you, but if you love it, you can buy both sweatpants and top at ASOS. Elsewhere around the web, and arguably ALSO counting as (fashion) criminal damage, our officers unearthed this:…

      ripped-knee-jeans

      Crime of Fashion? Ripped knee jeans take over

      Ripped jeans have been around since… well, probably since the first person who ripped their jeans by accident and thought, “Hey, this doesn’t look half bad! Kind of edgy and fashion-forward, in fact: I’ll keep wearing these, by God!” There is, however, more than one way for jeans to be distressed (There’s more than one way for The Fashion Police to be distressed, too, actually: this blog is proof of that!), and we’re sure you can’t have failed to notice that the current most popular way looks like this: All jeans: Topshop One very narrow, very precise slit, cut right across the knee of each leg, while the rest of the denim remains untouched. They’re ripped-knee jeans, and they’re everywhere:…