Crimes of Fashion

      pom pom cardigan

      Fashion Crimes of the Week: Pom Poms and Denim

      For as long as The Fashion Police have been in existence, one of our most hated crimes of fashion has always been something we refer to as the “Dress Like a Toddler” trend. This is, in case you haven’t guessed, when grown women (and men) wear clothing that wouldn’t look out of place on a three year old – but which DOES look just a little bit out of place on the aforementioned grown adult. Now, we’re not saying that as soon as you reach maturity you have to start dressing all “sensible”, and wearing the kind of clothes your grandma might approve of: we’re just never going to understand why people willingly infantilise themselves with their clothing. And we’re…

      strange playsuit

      If you saw it in a thrift store…

      … would you pay £50 for this playsuit? We’re going to go with “no” on this one – in fact, we’d probably take one look at it and wonder how on earth the staff in the store had let something so obviously past its best under their radar… and who on earth would buy it. If we looked at the price label and saw it was £50, we’d be even MORE amazed – even if it still had the tags on, and was obviously unworn: and we’d be even LESS likely to buy it, obviously! Of course, taste is subjective, and for every officer out there who wouldn’t wear this playsuit even if you paid HER £50, there’s another who’d…

      image1xxl

      A fringe too far

      Well, we’ve once again reached that time of year, when, likely inspired by Coachella and other festivals, fashion designers decide to start pushing fringed items on us, so we can all pretend to be flower children or something. “Festival fashion” has a lot to answer for, basically: especially when people who aren’t even going to festivals start thinking they have to wear some strange, 70s-inspired “costume”, normally involving flower garlands and the likes. But we digress. Here’s an example of a pair of jeans that have been given the “fringe” treatment: with fairly comical results: Jeans: River Island Now, we’re going to assume these will probably be popular. It’s festival season, after all: people are going to look at these…

      long scuba swimsuit

      From the ‘Where Would You Wear It?” Files…

      Mesh leggings. MESH. LEGGINGS. If ever there were two words that should never appear in a sentence, “mesh” and “leggings” would be those words. Alarmingly, these aren’t the worst example we’ve ever seen, but that doesn’t necessarily exonerate them, does it? They definitely wouldn’t pass the “where would you wear them?” test (In which you have two seconds to come up with somewhere to wear the item in question: if you can’t do it, it’s guilty as charged…), let’s put it that way. Three more words that shouldn’t ever been used in the same sentence – or, more accurately, in the same product description: “Long scuba swimsuit“. The “scuba” and “swimsuit” bits we can live with – nothing wrong with that….

      fashion infractions

      Some minor fashion infractions

      Not all crimes of fashion are big ones: the type that would have the Fashion Police swooping down to arrest you, without the chance of bail. Some are just… well, some are just like this: [Buy it here] It’s hard to imagine how they could have styled this in a way that would’ve made the jacket look any worse, or the model any more miserable, huh? She looks every bit as uncomfortable as she would if someone had stolen all her clothes, and some kind passer-by had lent her his several-sizes-too-large denim jacket to protect her modesty. There may well be a way to make this jacket look a whole lot better – this just isn’t it. Actually, we suspect…

      t

      Fine feathers make fine shoes… or do they?

      FINE FEATHERS MAKE FINE BIRDS… er, we mean shoes. And not so much fine shoes, as “really quite strange shoes“. The kind of shoes you probably wouldn’t be able to wear all that often, because unless you had someone carrying you around on a litter or something, we’re not going to trust those feathers to remain looking pristine for long. And we really don’t think that bedraggled feathers would create quite the same look, somehow… Of course, that’s just us: we can’t ignore the fact that feather-heeled shoes are still much more popular (at least, if what we’re seeing in stores is anything to go by, anyway. There’s sometimes a difference between what fashion brands will try to sell you, and…

      crimes of fashion

      5 Fashion Crimes You *Really* Shouldn’t Commit

      As our regular readers will know by now, our tongues are inserted firmly in our cheeks when we write for The Fashion Police, and most of our pronouncements on these pages are really just a matter of taste. One person’s crime of fashion is another’s most wanted item, and so on and so forth. There are, however, just a few things that we think really ARE “crimes” of fashion: you won’t go to jail for them, but all the same, we reckon you should run, don’t walk, from the following… 01.  Wearing things just because they’re fashionable Hands up everyone who wore Birkenstocks last year, just because they were, like, SO on trend? Have you bought yourself a pair of glove…

      jumpsuit that turns into a dress for some reason

      Introducing the jumpsuit that’s also a dress

      We are so confused right now. ASOS describe this item as an “oversized jumpsuit dress”, which, they point out, “can be worn as a dress or as a jumpsuit”.  We have so many questions: Question # 1: We get that it’s oversized. What we don’t understand is why it’s SO oversized. Like, “oversized” can look cute, and kinda sexy, in an effortless, “Oh yeah, I totally just stole my boyfriend’s shirt,” way… or it can just make you look like you’re wearing someone else’s clothes, and they really, REALLY don’t fit. The fact that this model is looking down at herself, as if to say, “What the HELL am I wearing here?” suggests to us that this outfit falls into…

      1255011401_1_1_1

      A solution for people who wear pyjamas in public

      Did you see the recent fuss about the headteacher who asked parents to stop doing the school run in their pyjamas, and to think about maybe getting dressed before leaving their homes in the mornings? It was a recent story, but it wasn’t a recent development. Back in the days when The Fashion Police were at school (which, OK, is a long time ago now, but still…) it would’ve been totally unthinkable for anyone’s parents to turn up at the gates in their pyjamas or dressing gowns: in fact, anyone who DID have to suffer the indignity of being seen with pyjama-clad parents back in those days is probably still in therapy, trying to get over the after-effects of the…

      isabel marant jumpsuit

      Where would you wear it? Foil jumpsuit

      Some items of clothing become fashion crimes purely because they’re ugly, while others are just totally impractical. (And some, of course, are both ugly AND impractical: those are the biggest criminals of all…) This one, however… well, ugliness is subjective, and we GUESS you could it practical, depending on what you were wearing it for. It’s probably reasonably warm, for instance – although it’s possible we’re just thinking that because of the fabric’s resemblance to a foil blanket. It doesn’t look too tight or restrictive, and you wouldn’t have to worry about it blowing up in a stiff breeze, the way you would with a skirt or dress. So, OK, let’s say it’s practical: that just leaves us with the…

      32F22JBLE_3_large

      Furry mules: still a crime of fashion

      Well, THIS is disappointing. We really thought that furry slides were one of those flash-in-the-pan fashion trends that would be left well and truly behind us in 2015. One of those trends, in fact, that people would look back on a few months later, and think “what on EARTH was I thinking?” We STILL think that’s probably going to happen at some point, but unfortunately it seems we’re going to have to wait a little while longer for it to happen, because look what we just found at Topshop: yup, furry slides. In a choice of three colours. Is that someone calling the Fashion Police, we hear? These are £56, which seems like quite a lot of money to us…

      winter fashion crimes

      4 Winter Fashion Crimes to Avoid

      Each season has its own set of fashion crimes, that are particular to the season they occur in. Summer, for instance, has socks with sandals, and inappropriate use of swimwear (here’s a clue: if you’re wearing a bikini in a public place that isn’t the beach, pool or jacuzzi, it’s probably “inappropriate”). Winter, meanwhile, has some of these… Not dressing warmly enough for the weather Look, we can’t wait for spring either, AND we hate wearing boots, tights, layers – anything connected to winter, and the idea of being “bundled up”, basically. But when you’re out in the snow wearing short sleeves and bare feet in pumps, it doesn’t really matter how stylish your outfit is – you’re just going…

      crime of fashion

      Fashion Fails

      It’s been a while since we rounded up some potential fashion criminals for you, but the following crimes have been called in by our officers: as for whether they’re innocent and guilty, well, that’s for you to decide… ZARA have a ton of great stuff in store right now, but we’re going to go out on a limb and say this dress isn’t one of them. We don’t think many people would look good in this one, but then again, its crimes suddenly don’t seem all that serious when we compare it to these frayed denim cullotes: So, it looks like frayed denim is going to be A Thing this season, huh? Seriously, though: the drawstring waist. The cut-off legs…

      long-sleeved sweater

      How to save money on high fashion items

      You COULD spend $282 on this paint-spattered shirt: OR you could just spatter paint over an existing shirt for free. (Or for the cost of the paint, if you don’t have it. It probably won’t cost you almost $300, though.) Similarly, you COULD spend £795 on this KitKat inspired clutch bag: OR you could just buy a REAL Kit Kat and carry that around with you instead. You won’t be able to carry your stuff in it, true, but you can’t carry a whole lot of stuff in a clutch bag either, and you can’t eat one either – which you can do with the real Kit Kat. You COULD pay $430 for this extra-long-sleeved sweater: OR you could simply…

      goat hair slippers

      Gucci Horsebit-detailed goat hair slippers

      We seriously thought this was a joke at first. It looks like one, right? Smartly-dressed woman: maybe not everyone’s style, but she looks like she’s made a bit of effort with a classic jeans/blazer/scarf combo. Then you scroll down the page and… NO. No, no, NO. Goathair slippers should not be a thing. Seriously: leave the hair to the goats, people, because this looks absolutely ridiculous AND costs £1,230. When we first laid eyes on them, the fact that they were described as “slippers” made us think they were one of those “hilarious” animal-themed house slippers people like to wear. You know the ones that make you look like you stuffed your foot inside a teddy bear, or a monkey,…

      floral print blouse and trousers

      Crimes of Fashion Roundup

      ASOS are using the never-ending 70s-revival (can you still call it a “revival” if it’s been going on forever? Because we’re starting to think that if this 70s nonsense goes on any longer, it’ll stop being a ’70s revival’ and just be ‘what people wear now’. We really hope that day never comes, but ever pair of knitted flares makes it seem all the more likely…) as an excuse for all manner of fashion crimes. This isn’t even the worst example we’ve seen, but an all-beige knitted “costume” doesn’t seem like a good idea for anyone, really, does it? [Outfit: ZARA] You can cop all the attitude you like, missy: this is a great example of why head-to-toe floral print…

      image2xxl

      Good Clothes Gone Bad | The Back-Slit Dress

      Remember when we talked about when good clothes go bad? Well, here’s another example… [buy it here] Now,  in fairness, this one could’ve gone either way. It’s one of those dresses that got an instant, “OMGLOVEIT!” reaction from us, quickly followed by a, “Or DO I?” The shape is amazing, is as the subtle print, which seems just right for the upcoming winter seasons. Dresses with sleeves are still rare enough to make us want to buy every one we see (Seriously, why so many short-sleeved dresses in winter, fashion designers? Don’t you all get cold? Do you really want us to spoil your beautiful designs by layering cardigans and scarves over the top every single time we wear them?), and did…

      strange skirts

      Strange Skirts at Shopbop

      Strange skirts at Shopbop. Now try saying that fifteen times, fast. Then come and take a look at these skirts, which are pretty far from the usual run of pencil skirts, midis and A-lines… Karla Spetic ‘Hid Hand’ skirt, $525 It must’ve been a real lightbulb moment when Karla Spetic came up with this design, huh? (Sorry, couldn’t resist…) Moschino denim skirt, $550 If you think this one looks strange enough from the front, you might want to also take a look at the back view.  You might also want to consider never bending down in it – or if you do, make sure you’re wearing your best undies. Jacquemus fringe skirt, $336 When we read the words “fringe skirt”,…

      faux fur mules

      Crime of Fashion | Maison Martin Margiela faux-fur mules

      OK, we’re declaring a state of emergency. The fur shoes thing is getting out of hand. All summer we’ve watched as designers presented us with fur-covered shoe after fur-covered shoe. We hated them all, naturally – as far as we’re concerned, there’s never a good reason for a shoe to have fur on it, and whether it’s fake fur or not, it’s still always going to be a crime of fashion – but we bided our time and hoped it was just a flash-in-pan trend. There are even MORE furry shoes on show as part of the autumn/winter collections, however, so the situation seems to be getting worse rather than better. And as soon as we saw these faux fur…

      dress with a face

      Faces in Places: Anna Sui suede mini dress

      Can you see it? Can you see the face on this Anna Sui suede mini dress? Because we can see a face on this dress: and it’s not a happy face either. In fact, it’s a grump, annoyed face – a face that clearly says, “For crying out loud: why am I attached to a stupid suede mini dress? Why wouldn’t I have been a vintage Dior ballgown? Or something Taylor Swift might wear? Instead I’m stuck here with birds for eyes, and a really big nose…” Now can you see it? OK, OK, bad Photoshop is bad, we get it. But you see the face now, right? And now that you’ve seen it, you can’t UN-see it. That’s the…

      Balenciaga wool coat

      Good coat gone bad : Balenciaga camel coat

      It’s always disappointing when a good item of clothing goes bad, isn’t it? We’re talking here about those otherwise perfect items: the ones that SHOULD be on our “Wanted!” list, but which end up in Fashion Police Jail, on a minor misdemeanour. They’re the good clothes gone bad: the ones we’d love if it wasn’t one for one tiny little detail that ruins an otherwise perfect item. We’ve all seen them, haven’t we? There you are, rummaging through the rails in your favourite store, when all of a sudden you see what LOOKS like the perfect dress. Excitedly, you pull it from the rack… only to find that it has a giant cut-out section on the ribs, or it’s completely…

      Dolce & Gabbana print

      Colourful enough for ya?

      Ladies and gentlemen of the Fashion Police jury, the ‘new in’ section of Net-a-Porter this morning: WHOA. We think our eyeballs are on fire. And, you know, it’s not really fair to lump all  of these items together, really. We have a feeling that, on their own, some of them might be fine – in fact, some of them (like the bag, for instance), might actually be quite pretty. Put them all together, though, and… well, it’s just a bit louder than we’d like, first thing in the morning. We’re going to sentence each of these items to solitary confinement for a few days: by which we mean they should only ever be worn with the simplest of colours and…

      teddy beardress

      The biggest fashion mystery of our times

      [Buy it here] Sad times are upon us, Fashion Force. This week we finally realised that as long as there are people willing to wear dresses trimmed with teddy bears – and to pay £1174 for the privilege – the world will never be free from crimes of fashion. You might think that’s a good thing, of course. How boring would it be, after all, if everyone was impeccably dressed and stylish all the time, and no one ever wore a single teddy bear attached to their dress? It would be dull, to be sure. Fashion crimes make the world a far more interesting place – and they also make brands like Moschino a whole lot of money, because, as…

      neon shirt dress

      Shirt Story

      Shirts. We don’t find ourselves arresting them too often here, because, well, they’re shirts. Seriously, how badly wrong can you go with a classic button-down shirt? Well, we’ll tell you. THIS is how badly wrong you can go: [Buy it here] It’s Moschino. Obviously. Well, it’s not like many other brands would pull a stunt like this, is it? They’ll tell you they’re making a little joke, like, “this is how we made your shirt”, but, as always with Moschino, the real joke is on you, because you just paid £680 for something that looks like the pattern for a shirt rather than the shirt itself. If you’ll buy that, however, you’ll probably buy anything, so how about this one:…

      orange ASOS dress

      There’s Good News and There’s Bad News

      Good evening, ladies and gentlemen of the Fashion Police jury: today we bring you good news rather than bad, as Shopbop are offering an extra 25% off their sale prices for the next three days. You’ll find all of the info in the image above: now go forth and shop, and remember that we’re counting on you to lead by example and help fight those crimes of fashion. Crimes like this one, for instance: Seriously, what are we even looking at here? Because, if we didn’t know better, we’d honestly think we were on a fancy dress website, and this was some kind of ‘medieval wench’ costume. But no, it’s from ASOS, so we suppose it’s “fashion”, albeit for petite…

      designer handbag

      This is what a £1,000 designer handbag looks like

      Buy it here Yes, we were a bit surprised too, to be honest. Well, when you hear the words “designer handbag” and “£1000 of your British pounds,” you’re probably NOT expecting it to look like a Pinterest project gone wrong, are you? Just like how the words “biker jacket” don’t normally bring this kind of thing to mind, either: On the other hand, these ARE pretty much what we think of when we read the words “waxed stretch cotton twill cargo pants”: (No idea how the shoes are supposed to be described. Not asking.) And these seem like a pretty standard pair of lurex stretch pants: (Actually, we’re pretty sure we’ve seen these decorating toilets in photos of houses from…

      Irregular Choise dinosaur heels

      If you love dinosaurs, you’ll love these shoes

      We know a little girl who’d probably love these shoes – or the heels of them, at least.  She’s two, though. There is that. And that, in a nutshell, sums up exactly why we’ve never really got the appeal of the vast majority of Irregular Choice shoes. Sure, there’s the odd pair that looks like they may have been designed for adults, but when you find yourself admiring the same shoes as a toddler, you start wondering if perhaps time to re-assess. What makes a grown adult decide she wants to have two plastic dinosaurs attached to her feet? We don’t know, but we’re going to assume that any explanation would include liberal use of the words “fun”, “quirky”, “whimsical”…

      http://www.asos.com/ASOS/ASOS-Unitard-In-Tie-Dye-With-Ombre-Fringing/Prod/pgeproduct.aspx?iid=5102693&cid=2623&sh=0&pge=0&pgesize=36&sort=-1&clr=Multi&totalstyles=395&gridsize=3

      Festival Fashion Crimes

      We realise we’re beating a dead horse here, but… We’re not OK with this. We don’t think we’ll ever really be OK with unitards in a non-dance-related setting (By which we mean, “worn by dancers, gymnasts, etc – not simply “worn on the dancefloor”), but this one is troublesome on so many levels. The plunging neckline, from which the model’s boobs look to be in danger of escaping at any moment; the strange fringing, which makes it look more like a fancy dress costume than an actual item of clothing; THE SHOES. OK, we realise the unitard can’t technically be blamed for the shoes, but there seems to be some un-written rule in fashion right now which states that if…

      William Okpo knotted pants

      Get Knotted

      It’ll soon be shorts season, folks, but we’re not quite there yet, which means many of us are in search of the perfect transitional pieces, to wear now AND wear later in the season: William Okpo knotted pants, $210 Er, these pants aren’t it, by the way: these are just perfect for people who can’t make their minds up whether to wear shorts or pants. Or who really, really like their thighs, and want the world to know it. Faustine Steinmetz destroyed denim jacket, $1,320 The more destroyed something is, and the less wearable it is, the more expensive it is. So, if a denim jacket, say, looks like a denim jacket, and performs the basic functions of a denim…

      half dress, half-jacket

      Half dress, half-jacket

      It’s not often you hear people wondering aloud how they can make their legs looks SHORTER – and by that we mean “it’s not EVER”. Nevertheless, Incotex have set out to find the solution to this totally imaginary problem, and we think they’ve managed it too, with these trousers: Ta da! These will make your legs instantly look out of proportion to the rest of your body, so if that’s what you were aiming for, you now know how to do it. There’s no need to thank us. What if your problem isn’t that your legs are too long, though? What if your problem is that you want to make it clear to everyone that you’re not like all of…

      70s fashion

      The 70s revival has gone too far

      We feel like we’ve been fighting off the 70s fashion revival for months now. Probably because we have. When news of the 70s comeback first reared its head, back in January, we were concerned. We had a feeling this would all go horribly wrong, and that feeling stayed with us, no matter how many people tried to convince us a 70s revival could actually be a GOOD thing. “Open your minds, Fashion Police,” they said, “Allow a fashion era other than the 50s to infiltrate your closets!” (Which was unfair, really: we also like the 40s. And the early 60s.) Still we remained unconvinced. And, OK, I COULD have worked. If people had stuck to the occasional 70s-inspired element –…

      fashion-crimes

      New shoes don’t necessarily cure the blues

      They say new shoes cure the blues. What if the shoes in question look like THIS, though? We don’t know about you, but our blues have not been cured by these. Our officers found them on Louisa Via Roma, as examples of how (not) to style the equally interesting dress and shorts shown above. Despite searching through all of the shoes on the site, we couldn’t find these for sale: we’d imagine they’re probably by the same brand as the items they’ve been shown with (Au Jour Le Jour), but we can’t be sure, and didn’t feel inclined to take our enquiries any further, having been distracted by these: So. That whole “shoes you can sweep your floor with” trend…

      ball-of-fire-shorts

      The Ball of Fire Shorts

      Ball of Fire Shorts, $535 For once, we’re speechless. It’s… a pair of sports shorts with what appears to be some long, white hair attached to the crotch. And it’s $535. We’ve seen a lot of truly inexplicable items of clothing in our time at The Fashion Police, but this is up there with the strangest of them. The designer, Bernard Willhelm, calls this piece, ” a perfect failure”. We’d say at least one of those words is true: it’s up to you to decide which one. Before we  finish this post, let’s just take a few moments to remember this skirt: Ripped denim skirt, £96 Poor thing. It used to be just an ordinary denim skirt – one you’d…

      lace dress

      Dresses can be fashion crimes too

      [Buy it here] Last week we mentioned that, when it comes to fashion crimes, trousers seem to commit more than their fair share of them. Well, let the record show that dresses aren’t totally innocent either. Take the dress above, for instance. Now, we’re going to bet that a lot of you will like this. It has that whole, “Look, I’m naked under this meagre smattering of lace!” look going on, and people seem to LOVE that for some reason. We don’t, needless to say – we’ve actually had nightmares in which we’re out in public wearing just a meagre smattering of lace – but it’s not the top half of the dress we want to talk about today: it’s…

      ashish-jeans

      This is why we prefer dresses.

      As our officers parade the mean streets of the Internet’s retail sites, in search of fashion crimes to arrest, there are some types of clothing which are more likely than others to set our radar pinging. We could trawl dress or outerwear sections all day, for instance, and rarely see anything too unusual. Hit up the trousers section, however (Or the jumpsuits section, if there is one – oh lord, the things we’ve seen in jumpsuit sections!) and often we’ll end up having to call in reinforcements. It’s THAT bad. We’ve no idea why it is that trousers, jeans and jumpsuits seem to be that bit more likely to be crimes of fashion, but it’s true. Here are some recent…

      fox top

      What does the fox say?

      [Buy it for £230] Ah, the classic stripe t-shirt! So simple, and yet so effective, especially at this time of year, when it works effortlessly with a pair of jeans or a skirt. It’s an all-time classic… it’s also maybe a little bit boring, though? Don’t you think? So why not give the humble t-shirt a high-fashion makeover, with the addition of two giant, shiny red circles on the shoulders? That won’t look odd at all: One of the ways you tend to see stripe t-shirts worn is with white jeans or shorts, for a fresh, summery look. Might we suggest these? [Buy them for £48] These are sheer white culottes, with built-in shorts, so you won’t have to worry…

      jumpsuit with side boob

      Shoes to keep your feet dry

      Moschino terrycloth mules, £325 First of all, yes, these are by Moschino: how did you guess? (Er, apart from by the name on the label, obviously…) Secondly: no, your eyes do not deceive you – they really are made of terrycloth. As in, the same fabric as your towels, or your bathrobe. On the plus side, at least they’ll keep your feet nice and dry (except they won’t, because the towelling fabric is on the outside of the shoe, not the inside. If it was on the inside, they might have managed to escape Fashion Police arrest, but alas, no.) On the minus side, however… er, where do we start? We guess it basically boils down to the fact that these…

      feathered mary janes

      Feathered Fashion Fails

      This week, our officers identified a troubling new mini-trend: the feathered shoe: [feathered mules] My Theresa describes these as “the epitome of sheer elegance”. We, meanwhile, would describe them more like, “the epitome of roadkill, lying there all sad and bedraggled on the ground.” What’s that you say? They’re NOT actually “bedraggled”? Well, not NOW they’re not, but imagine what they’d look like after you’d taken even a very short walk in them? Even if you only ever wear them indoors, you’re going to end up with clean floors (Which we guess would be kind of cool, actually: you get to clean your house without actually feeling like you’re cleaning your house…), but very dirty shoes. Wear them on a…

      Vedder shorts

      Eddie Vedder has a lot to answer for

      [The Vedder Shorts: Buy them here for $495] We should probably begin this post by issuing a public apology to Eddie Vedder, who, of course, had absolutely nothing to do with these shorts. (Because, yes, those are shorts: the model isn’t just wearing a flannel shirt tied around her waist. Why would she do that, when she can pay almost $500 instead to just LOOK like she’s wearing a shirt tied around her waist?) He does seem to have in some way inspired them, however – at least, that’s what we’re assuming from the name (They’e called ‘The Vedder Shorts’), and the fact that they appear to be some kind of homage to the grunge scene of the 90s, of which…

      Rick Owens clog sandals

      Crime of Fashion? Rick Owens clog sandals

      Rick Owens is no stranger to the inside of a Fashion Police cell: in fact, we’ve investigated his designs so often we consider him to be something of a master criminal. Today, we’re taking a close look at the evidence above: one “90mm clog leather wedge sandal”, according to Louisa Via Roma. We’re glad they cleared that up for us: if we hadn’t read the product description, we’d probably have assumed this was some kind of medieval device designed to allow the wearer to plough fields, simply by walking over them. These will set you back no less than £1,517, and just in case you’re looking at  them thinking, “I love them! But what on earth will I wear with…

      dress or bag

      Guess What It Is

      Anyone feel like hazarding a guess at what this is? Without cheating by scrolling down the page for the answer, we mean? Is it a sleeping bag? A tent? Some kind of Ikea lampshade cover? Because it totally looks like an Ikea lampshade cover, don’t you think? It isn’t, though. Although we’d possibly like it better if it was. No, this colourful item is, in fact… [Buy it] ..a designer dress! Which will cost you £1,172.53. One. Thousand. One. Hundred. And Seventy Two. Pounds. And fifty-three pence. Nope, it doesn’t get any easier to believe the more you say it. Quite the opposite, in fact. What people choose to spend their money on is their business, obviously, but we have…

      cheap-monday

      Crimes Against Denim from Cheap Monday

      [Buy them here] Imagine, if you will, that you’re wearing your very favourite pair of black skinny jeans. OK, they’re starting to look a little bit grey and worn, but that’s OK, because it just makes them look even better. Some people actually PAY to buy brand new jeans that look like they’ve been worn to death, but you’re no fashion victim, so you’ve worn yours in the old-fashioned way: by actually, you know, wearing them. Some people still do that, apparently. But we digress. There you are, wearing your favourite jeans, when – horror of horrors! – you spill a can of white paint ALL OVER THEM. (Don’t ask us what you were doing painting in your favourite jeans:…

      white stilettos with lurex socks

      Socks and stilettos, from Jeffrey Campbell

      [Buy them here] Remember when white stilettos used to be considered a crime of fashion? Wait, scratch that: you’re all probably too young to remember those days, aren’t you? There was a time, however, when white stilettos were a key part of the whole “Essex girl” stereotype, and were just about as tacky as it was possible for a pair of shoes to get. Those days are long gone, of course, but sometimes once your brain has made a particular association, it can be hard to shake it, so, for us, it’s hard to see white stilettos without also thinking of orange fake tan, long acrylic fingernails (ideally with some kind of diamanté accessories stuck to them), and spidery false…

      cropped wide-leg trousers with fringe detail

      Fringe Fashion Crimes

      1 / 2 You know those home-made posters people put up when they have a room to rent, or something to sell? The ones with the little strips cut into the bottom of the page, each with the person’s phone number on it, so you can tear one off and keep it? That’s what these skirts remind us of: they’re basically just an invitation for each passer-by to tear off a strip of fabric, in the hope that another, nicer skirt, will be revealed underneath. Or a pair of baggy cropped pants, as is the case with the first item. Sadly, we don’t think that would work, even if someone were to attempt it, in a kind of undercover attempt…

      tulle hoodie

      Who said hoodies were boring?

      Ah, the humble hoodie! It’s probably never going to be considered the most stylish item of clothing out there (Then again, we said that about Birkenstocks, and look what happened there. Never say ‘never’, Fashion Force…), but they’re one of those items most of us own anyway. They come in handy when you’re cuddled up on the couch, say, or going for a run on a chilly day. We at The Fashion Police wouldn’t be without a good hoodie or two, but now that we’ve seen this one by Nicopanda, we have to say, we’re looking at hoodies in a while new light. This is a basic black hoodie, of the type you see everywhere. There’s one important exception, however. Can…

      Untitled-2

      The 70s REVIVAL WILL BE WORSE THAN WE THOUGHT

      1  /  2 We’ve talked a lot this year so far about the ongoing 70s revival in fashion, and our fears for where this trend might take us. Every time we’ve contemplated the 70s comeback, we’ve crossed our fingers and hoped it might just be OK. We’ve been hoping for an ‘Ali McGraw in Lovestory’ version of the 70s, or a Bianca Jagger-inspired one, say. It’ll never be our favourite fashion era, for sure, but that doesn’t mean it can’t work, if it’s done right: many of our issues with 70s style, after all, are purely questions of personal taste, which is, of course, entirely subjective. We may not like all of the styles that are resulting from this trend,…

      socks with sandals

      Socks and sandals: no longer a crime of fashion, apparently

      ASOS Remember the days when socks with sandals was considered one of the biggest fashion faux pas a person could commit? We do. We miss those days, actually. Back then socks-with-sandals tended to be the sole province of elderly British tourists on holiday in the Costa del Sol. They didn’t look stylish, but they weren’t trying to be, so everyone was prepared to turn a blind eye to the thick white socks and the sensible sandals. (Another variation of this look: shorts worn with dress shoes and black socks.) Those days are gone, however. These days, socks-with-sandals have been embraced by the fashion community. They’re now worn by bright young things: models, fashionistas – anyone who thinks they can pull…

      caution

      Time to add Louisa Via Roma to your ‘Not Safe for Work’ list

      Louisa Via Roma: designer fashion retailer, beloved by fashionistas everywhere. They sell Christian Louboutin shoes, Dolce & Gabbana dresses, exquisitely made handbags… Oh yeah, and this: They describe it (not inaccurately) as a “tulle nun oufit”, and charge £200 for it. Now, don’t get us wrong: we’re not totally naive. We know there are people who probably have a use for this kind of thing – and we’re not talking about actual nuns, by the way – and we offer no judgement on that: it’s the context that was a little confusing. Well, it’s just not the kind of thing you expect to find when you’re window shopping for a designer handbag, or scrolling past the aforementioned  aforementioned shoes, bags and other…

      big shoes

      Hey, Bigfoot

      All items: ASOS Shoes just aren’t fun any more. It’s disappointing, really. Over the course of the last year or two, we’ve watched with growing horror as the world of footwear took a turn for the ugly. We’ve traced the progress back to Jeffrey Campbell’s ubiquitous ‘Lita’ platforms. Rumour has it that at one point you weren’t actually allowed to start a fashion blog unless you were able to provide proof that you owned at least one pair of Litas, and were prepared to wear them in every single outfit photo. From there, it was just a short (albeit clumpy) step to the Birkenstocks and the other orthopaedic styles – many of which are now being worn with socks, as if that…

      this is not a Moschino t-shirt

      This is not a Moschino t-shirt, it’s a possible crime of fashion

      This is Not a Moschino T-Shirt, £860 At this point, policing the world of Moschino feels a little bit like shooting fishing in a barrel: it’s almost like they WANT to be caught by The Fashion Police, isn’t it? Still, we swore a solemn oath to fight crimes of fashion (You should see the Fashion Police swearing-in ceremony: it’s more fun than the MET Gala, seriously…), and we’ll continue to do that, even when we suspect the criminals are deliberately provoking us. Which brings us to this bag, which is NOT – we repeat, NOT – a Moschino t-shirt. Moschino have been working this schtick for a while now, using a heavy dose of self-reflexive irony to gently poke fun…

      ripped jeans

      Please make it stop.

      This is a joke, right? Please, someone tell us this is a joke: we’re not sure we can handle the idea of a world in which people will willingly hand over £116 in order to wear jeans that look like they’re only just managing to hold themselves together. Seriously, if you really MUST make yourself look like this, at least rip up an old pair of jeans you no longer have any use for: it still won’t look good, but at least it won’t feel like taking your money and throwing it down the drain. In comparison to the above, that whole ’70s-revival’ we’ve been talking about is actually starting to sound pretty good. Oh no, sorry, our mistake: it’s…

      silk harem jumper

      Three pairs of pants you couldn’t pay us to wear

      BLACK MESH JOGGERS, $60 As far as we can tell, the sole purpose of these jogging pants (and drop-crotch jogging pants, too! All our least-favourite things, together in one garment!) is to provide a support-system for the two giant pockets which are clearly visible through the mesh fabric. We have no idea why the people who buy these wouldn’t just attach a couple of pockets to a long piece of string and drape it around their necks: it would create more or less the same effect, after all. WRINKLED PANTS, LONG SLEEVES This outfit breaks two of our most fundamental laws of style: 1. Buy clothes that fit you: or have them tailored, if they don’t. 2. IRON YOUR PANTS…

      frumpy denim skirt

      Denim is about to get ugly

      Be honest: you’d hide your face from the camera too if you were wearing something that looked like this, wouldn’t you? Today, Fashion Force, we’re the bearer of bad tidings: denim is going to get really ugly this year. And we thought it was bad enough LAST year! The item at the top of the page (er, whatever it is…) is a dress (or so we’re reliably informed), and here’s what it looks like from the front: To think we’re not even halfway through January, and already we have a contender for the Most Awkward Pose of the Year Award, too! Oh, fashion, you’re really spoiling us! (Note the presence of the now-ubiquitous ugly shoes in this outfit, readers. Every…

      suspender jeans

      Crime of Fashion? Suspender jeans

      It’s our first arrest of 2015, and we really hope this one hasn’t set the tone for the year, because we just don’t think our officers could cope with more than one pair of “suspender” jeans. Actually, it’s hard enough to believe there’s a demand for this pair. They’re $450 for one thing (And that’s the sale price, by the way – they WERE $750), and also, well, LOOK AT THEM. This fashion crime is particularly amusing to us, because one of our very first arrests (We can’t seem to locate it in the archive, and that’s probably a good thing, trust us…) involved a pair of jeans not unlike these in concept, but which were clearly a bad DIY…

      crimes-of-fashion

      Clothes for the Chronically Undecided

      Happy new year, fashion fans! We hope you enjoyed bidding farewell to 2014, and a ready to start fighting the fashion crimes which will face us this coming year. Before we do, though, we still have some past crimes to ponder, so today we continue our blast from the past, with a look back at one of the strangest trends to hit the world of high fashion in. We called this trend ‘The Worst of Both Worlds’, however we have to salute the ingenuity of the designers who went out of their ways to provide a style solution for those people who just can’t decide what they want to wear in the morning. Will it be trousers or a skirt?…

      the ugliest dresses of the year

      The Ugliest Dresses of 2014

      We hope all our officers are having a happy holiday season, and taking the opportunity to rest up and get ready for a super-stylish new year. Right now, though, it’s still 2014, and we’re continuing our look back at some of the biggest fashion fails of the year – in our opinion, at least. This time we’re looking at some of the ugliest dresses of the year, and, as with our last roundup, these are all items from our archive , which means you’re unlikely to be still be able to buy most of them – unless you’re very unlucky. Here are some of our least favourite dresses of the year:  Meadham Kirchhoff rubber apron dress 2013 brought us one of…

      the ugliest trousers of 2014

      The Ugliest Trousers of 2014

      The holiday season is almost upon us, and, it being the season of goodwill and all that, The Fashion Police generally like to declare a fashion crime amnesty at this time of year, allowing fashion criminals to go forth and do their worst, without fear of arrest. While our officers take a break from hunting down new crimes of fashion, however, we thought we’d take a quick look back at some of the items already in our jail. We’re starting off with the trousers section, which encompasses shorts, jeans, jumpsuits – anything with two legs, in other words. Or sometimes with just one, actually. Well, you know how these fashion crimes can be. Here are some of what we think…

      Prada fake leg boots

      Prada’s ‘fake leg’ boots are now available at Yoox.com

      Remember Prada’s infamous ‘Look! It’s a prosthetic leg!” boots? We arrested the Mary Jane version back in 2011, but it would appear these possibly weren’t the instant sellout the brand were hoping for, and you can still find the odd pair (and we mean that literally: they’re very “odd”, aren’t they?) floating around the internet. Our officers apprehended this suede version at Yoox.com, where they’re currently selling for an ambitious £506 – although if you don’t wear UK size 4.5 or 5.5 you could be destined for disappointment. (Or a lucky escape, depending on how you look at it.) Designed to create the appearance of a bare leg with a black, ankle-strap pump on the foot, these are Footwear Impostors…

      dungaree shorts

      Shorts + Dungarees = Crime of Fashion

      [Buy them here] It’s hard to imagine the thought process that goes into creating something like this. By that, we mean, it’s hard not to imagine it going something like this: IMPORTANT FASHUN DESIGNER: “Hmmm, I think I’ll design a pair of dungarees. Dungarees have never been cool, so, in making them, I’ll enable people to brag about wearing a “difficult” piece of clothing, and that will make them seem really hip and experimental, because they’ll be eschewing the usual “rules” of flattering your figure etc, and wearing something that indicates they don’t give a crap about how they look. Which will make them look even MORE hip and edgy. Then I will be the designer who made dungarees fashionable,…

      dress with four sets of arms

      This dress is ‘armful

      [Buy it here] It’s not often we get to make the same bad joke twice in quick succession, but having recently shown you the ‘armless coat, we couldn’t resist pointing out its opposite – the ‘armful dress. (As in, it’s full of arms…) Yes, Fashion Force, this dress has twice the usual amount of arms (Although, in its defence, only two of them appear to be functional), and the model looks every bit as confused by that fact as we are. Her facial expression in the second image says it all: she’s all, “Seriously? You want me to WEAR this thing?” Never forget that Modelling Is Hard, people. In addition to the fact that the dress basically has a sweater…