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Crimes of Fashion

Crimes of Fashion

Christmas comes early at ASOS

Christmas jumper

It’s hard to believe it sometimes, but this blog has been running for over a decade now, and while you probably wouldn’t think that would be long enough to see any major changes in the world  of fashion, we’ve definitely seen a few.

Take Christmas jumpers, for instance. Back when we first started policing the world of fashion, the Christmas jumper was rarely seem outside the world of ugly sweater parties. Wearing one would’ve been seen as the ultimate crime of festive fashion, and every December, our cells would fill out with sweaters depicting giant snowmen, scary Santas and other things more commonly seen on small children than grown adults.

Now, though? How the times have changed. Now Christmas sweaters start filling the stores in around October, and people will happily wear them, without even a hint of irony. Some of them are just as bad as the ones from the ugly sweater parties of old. Some are even quite nice, in a “If we absolutely HAD to wear a holiday sweater, then this is the one we’d choose,” kinda way.

Then there’s this one.

Now, to be fair, this one might not even BE a Christmas sweater, for all we know. There’s nothing in the product listing to suggest it is one, and it doesn’t have the usual suspects (Santa or snowmen) on the front, either. With all of that said in its defence, however, as soon as we laid eyes on it, we were instantly reminded of the Christmas craft projects we used to do in school, when we were little kids: you know, the ones where you’d make paper chains out of cardboard, or Christmas crackers out of toilet rolls: that kind of thing? This, then, is a child’s craft project of a Christmas sweater to us: and if this is what the future of festive fashion looks like, we’re probably just going to hibernate right through until January…

Crimes of Fashion, Jeans

Forget frayed jeans: feathers are where it’s at now

feathered jeans by Michael Kors collection

Feathered jeans by Michael Kors collection

For a long time now, fashion designers have been having a real problem with jeans, the problem being this: how to mess them up?

The thing is, for most people, jeans are a wardrobe staple. They’re classics. They’re worn by everyone, from the super-fashionable, to the not-even-remotely-fashionable – and everyone in between, too. Now, the problem for Fashion People (Who deserve to have their name written in caps, because they’re not like Other People, obviously), is that they don’t want to look like the not-even-remotely-fashionable people. Hell, they don’t even want to look like the somewhere-in-between people, either: which can be somewhat tricky when you’re wearing jeans – the uniform of Almost Everybody. Fashion People, after all, wouldn’t ever want to be accused of just wearing “jeans and a nice top”, for instance: so what are the poor things to do?

Of course, there are plenty of ways to wear jeans without looking – gasp! – ordinary, and a lot of it comes down to the type of jeans you’re wearing, as opposed to what you wear WITH THEM. (A nice top is a big no-no, though, just so you know…) What some fashion designers decide to do, however, is to shun the “classic” jean altogether, and create something new, and totally different.

Enter the feathered leg jean.

These jeans come at the end of a year in which fashion designers have found it impossible to stop messing with the hems of their jeans. First came the “raw” or let-down hem look, which is basically how your jeans would look if you simply took a pair of scissors and chopped off the hems. (You’ll have to pay way more for this if you let a fashion designer do it for you, though, obviously…) Then came the fringed hem, which is exactly what it sounds like, and looks a bit like you attached a small rug to your hems.

Now we have feathers: and not just on the hems, but all the way up the legs, too.

Where will it end, this constant push to redesign the wheel – we mean the jeans? We’ve no idea: but our officers will keep you posted…

Crimes of Fashion

Fur is back in fashion – and stranger than ever

YSL blue fur coat with exaggerated shoulder pads

A few weeks ago, we wrote about how fur is back in fashion – or, at least, no longer looked down upon by fashion, anyway – and how we’re so not cool with that. It’s bad enough to know that designers are still using real fur, when there are so many alternatives available to them, however, but it’s even worse when they use it to make something like this: almost £17,000 worth of bright blue fox fur, which we’re convinced would’ve looked a whole lot better on its original owners than it does on the kind of coat you’d be too scared to wear in case something happened to it. Oh, and in case people thought you were Cruella De Vil’s smurf-obsessed sister.

Then there’s this:Fendi fur and shearling coat

There are no words. There is, however, this fascinating insight into how the other half life: the half that think nothing of spending £9,000 on something that looks like this. As for The Fashion Police, meanwhile, at least we get a kick out of trying to imagine how our own other halves would react if we announced we’d spent that much money on a coat – and then produced THIS. We’re pretty sure they’d assume it was some kind of spectacularly unfunny practical joke – which, come to think of it, is maybe what Fendi intended all along.

By contrast, these pieces actually seem pretty tame:

fur coats with doll faces

Now, personally we’d rather NOT wear a jacket that has more hair than we have ourselves, but after the two examples above them, we have to conclude that it could be worse, couldn’t it? It could be a whole lot worse…

P.S. Don’t forget to check out our sponsors at Shopbop for some outfit options that WON’T leave you at risk of arrest from The Fashion Police. Or, at least, we HOPE not, anyway…

Crimes of Fashion, Jeans

The New Way to Wear Denim

It looks like denim’s gotten out of control again, fashion force. As if all of those bizarre-looking frayed-hem jeans weren’t bad enough, now our officers also have things like this to content with:

R13 layered distressed jeans

These sold out at Net-a-Porter within a few days, despite the fact that:

a) They cost £630

and

b) They’re a skirt attached to a pair of jeans.

Let’s think about that last point for a minute, shall we? Imagine, if you will, getting dressed in the morning. You pull on your favourite pair of jeans, and add a pair of beat-up white sneakers to wear with them. So far, so good. Basic, but good. Then you look in the mirror. “There’s just something missing here,” you find yourself thinking: so you go to your closet, have a quick rummage, and finally pull out a denim mini skirt, which you put on OVER the top of the jeans. “NOW I’m ready!” you declare triumphantly: except, you don’t, do you? Because, unless you’re the kind of person who prides yourself on wearing strange and possibly uncomfortable clothes (Because, seriously: there’s nothing about denim-skirt-over-denim-jeans that sounds remotely comfortable, is there?), there’s no part of this scenario that makes sense. Not even if it was a NICE pair of jeans, and a NICE denim skirt.

We’re NOT going to be signing up to be alerted when these are back in stock, in other words. And we’re probably not going to rushing out to buy these ones, either:

turn up culottesOn the plus side, at least you wouldn’t have to carry a handbag with these: you could probably fit just about everything you’d need inside those massive turn-ups, huh? On the minus side, however… well, the mugshot pretty much speaks for itself here, doesn’t it? If you have $270 burning a hole in your pocket, and a hankering for a big ol’ hemline, however, you know exactly what to do…

Crimes of Fashion

Cut-out jeans, and other crimes of fashion

jeans with cut-outs at the hip

MOTO cut-out-pocket mom jeans

“Cold-shoulder” tops have been around for a while now, and while they’re not exactly our style, they’re not too hard to understand, either: well, on a hot day, a bare shoulder might just seem like a good idea, no?

These, on the other hand – well, we guess these should really be called “cold hip jeans”: and we’ve no idea why they exist. (Other than the need to be “edgy” and “unexpected”, even if it means walking around with your love-handles on show.) The main issue here, as far as we’re concerned, is that while cold-shoulder tops could be pleasantly cooling on a hot summer’s days, these just look … well, COLD, really. Because if it’s cold enough to wear jeans, would it really be simultaneously so warm that your hips would start to feel sweaty? We doubt it, somehow: and we also doubt anyone really wants to see our own ageing flesh peeking out of a pair of mom jeans, so we’ll leave these to those of you who think you can make them work, and move on to our second suspect of the week:

Jacquemus Wave Pants

Jacquemus Wave Pants

They’re… better than the jeans above them, we’ll give them that. Only in the “at least we wouldn’t freeze in them” sense, though (Can you tell the thought of cold hips in winter is really getting to is): that aside, we’re actually not sure the “cartoon character” look is THAT much better, all things considered. Would you wear these? If you answered “yes” to that, we hope you have a spare $535 burning a hole in your pocket: and hey! Maybe that’s what happened to Topshop’s mom jeans?!

P.S. Don’t forget to check out some of these new styles from our partners at Shopbop, including brands like Jacquemus, Tanya Taylor, Theory, FRAME, Theory and more.

shopbop

Crimes of Fashion

Return of the Fur Vest

Is it just us, or does anyone else think this looks like some strange kind of Ewok fetish wear?

Fendi fur vest

Just us? Oh, come ON: you can totally see this in some kind of adult remake of Return of the Jedi, can’t you? If only it was THAT innocent, though, people: because, the fact is, this ISN’T a costume from a movie (not even a really bad one): it’s a Fendi vest. And it’s £11,000, too. (Well, £11, 450, if you want to be accurate, but we’re guessing that if you were OK with paying £11,000 for a VEST, you’re probably not going to be quibbling over the rest of the price tag, are you? Didn’t think so.)

Once again, we find ourselves amazed: not only that there are apparently enough people in the world who are willing and able to buy something like this for someone at  Louisa Via Roma to think, “Yeah, we totally need to stock that…” but also that fur is suddenly fashionable again. And yeah, we know, we know: it’s been happening for a while now, but even just a few years ago, a vest made from fox, mink and goat fur would have ruffled a few feathers at the very least. Now, though, it seems to be accepted that real fur is back in fashion – and we guess that while designers can convince people to pay £11,000 to look like they’re about to star in some Ewok porn, that’s probably never going to change, is it?

P.S. If you want to rest your eyes after what you’ve just seen, don’t forget to check out our sponsors at Shopbop. Last week’s sale is now over, but there’s still plenty of good stuff in the ‘New In’ section to keep you occupied: and none of it costs £11,000, either. Or, at least, we hope not…)

Crimes of Fashion

Good shoes gone bad, and other crimes of fashion

Topshop half-moon sweater

“Fashion crime” is probably too strong a charge for this Topshop sweater: by which we mean we probably wouldn’t arrest you for wearing it – but we would pull you over and ask you some questions. “WHY?” would be the first one that would spring to mind, really. Why would you need a sweater with a giant cut-out section in one side? And it’s not like it would be a particularly attractive sweater WITHOUT the cut-out either, so again: WHY? Does the cut-out make it better or worse? Are we asking too many questions? OK then, moving on…

Also from Topshop, and also falling into the “probably not a CRIME, exactly, but still plenty puzzling” category, comes these shoes:

Toshop shearling heel mules

Shearling heel mules. Again: WHY? Fur/sheepskin on shoes is something that’s always struck us as spectacularly impractical, not to mention rather unattractive (especially once the shoes in question have survived the typical British winter – or summer, even), but it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, and we’re still seeing furry soled and heeled shoes popping up everywhere. We despair. Look at these ones, for instance, which will instantly make you look like you’re in fancy dress as one of Chewbacca’s cousins:

furry mules

Or these ones, which come from a school of design we think of as “child’s art project gone badly wrong”:

fur and glitter shoes

This one is a particularly sad example, because these shoes could so easily have been saved, couldn’t they? The fact is, there’s actually a pretty nice shoe looking under the blue pom pom and random red fur “tail” – and sure, it’s a slightly-over-the-top shoe even WITHOUT the fur, but we could live with that. What we couldn’t live with, however, is all that unnecessary fluff – which turns this into a classic case of good shoe gone bad.

[P.S. Don’t forget to check out the New In Section at Shopbop, for lots of summer fashion!]

new in at Shopbop

Crimes of Fashion

These jeans are very distressed…

distressed jeans

Over the years we’ve been policing, we’ve become pretty resigned to distressed jeans: to even accept them. Sometimes, a bit of distressing adds to the effect: it either creates that effortless, worn-in look, or it just makes the jeans look a little more interesting – a little less “here I am, in my very best jeans, that I’ve carefully ironed for the occasion!”

Other times, though… other times, it just ends up looking like this. These jeans are a little bit more than just “distressed” aren’t they? These jeans are freaking the hell out. They’re not “effortlessly worn-in”, either: in fact, a whole lot of effort has gone into make them look like they’ve been worn to death. (And these ones aren’t much better… )

For us, distressed jeans only really work when they actually look like the distressing could have happened naturally, over time, instead of looking like someone played a cruel joke on the wearer: like, they fell asleep somewhere, and woke up to find someone “hilarious” prankster had cut a giant hole in their best jeans. So, maybe something like this, say:

Blank Denim jeans These are by Blank Denim, and come highly recommended by The Fashion Police – and not just because they’re only $88, either. (They also do some non-distressed versions, which are worth checking out.)

As for the other fashion crimes we’ve arrested this week, well, it’s been a fairly quiet week on that front, but we would like to submit these shoes into evidence:

green fluffy shoes

We’re not sure why this “furry shoes” thing continues to be A Thing, but we remain ever grateful for the fact that they DON’T yet seem to be A Thing in the real world. Which is a bit of a shame, in some ways: can you imagine how much it would brighten your day to see people walking along the street with green furry feet? It’s almost worth letting these go free, just to make that happen…

Crimes of Fashion

Unitards: who’s actually buying them?

ASOS unitard

ASOS unitard

ASOS unitard

all unitards: ASOS

Remember when ASOS used to be called ‘As Seen On Screen’? It seems like a long time ago now, but the original concept of the site was to sell affordable versions of the clothes celebrities wear “on screen”, so each item would be “As Seen on X Celebrity”. Well, the name may have been truncated to simply ‘ASOS’, and the celeb-centric concept has long been ditched in favour of providing all kinds of clothing, for all kinds of events, but if you take a quick look at the unitards section, you might be forgiven for wondering if someone at ASOS still secretly wishes they were dressing celebrities, rather than the girl next door.

Seriously: these three unitards wouldn’t look out of place on stage at a Katy Perry concert or similar, but we’re seriously struggling to imagine where else someone would actually want to wear them. We can’t imagine a single one of our friends or acquaintances (and we’re including people in their teens and early 20s in that list, by the way, before you go dismissing us with the usual, “Yeah, but you’re old, Fashion Police!” argument…) seeing one of these on ASOS, and thinking, “Hell yeah: that’s EXACTLY what I’ve been looking for – my wardrobe dilemma is now solved!” Because what possible kind of wardrobe dilemma could be solved only by a semi-sheer or “haha, you thought I was naked, didn’t you!” unitard? Other than Halloween, obviously?

Actually, come to think of it, if your lifestyle does regularly present you with those kind of dilemmas, then, honestly, you sound like you have a pretty cool life, and we wish you’d tell us about it. As for us, however, we’re closing down the “unitard” section and searching for the “clothes you can actually wear in your day-to-day life” one: sounds like a plan…

Crimes of Fashion

Fashion Crimes of the Week: Pom Poms and Denim

pom pom cardigan

pom pom cardigan and distressed dungarees

For as long as The Fashion Police have been in existence, one of our most hated crimes of fashion has always been something we refer to as the “Dress Like a Toddler” trend. This is, in case you haven’t guessed, when grown women (and men) wear clothing that wouldn’t look out of place on a three year old – but which DOES look just a little bit out of place on the aforementioned grown adult. Now, we’re not saying that as soon as you reach maturity you have to start dressing all “sensible”, and wearing the kind of clothes your grandma might approve of: we’re just never going to understand why people willingly infantilise themselves with their clothing. And we’re never going to. Look, we’ve been writing this blog for ten years now and we STILL don’t get it, even after dozens of comments from people telling us how WRONG we are, and how AWESOME it is to climb  into a giant onesie at the end of the day. Sorry, toddler-clothing fans.

Which brings us to this little combo from ASOS. We think they’re reached peak “Dress Like a Toddler” with this one: we guess the only difference is that the toddler probably couldn’t be persuaded to wear the cardigan for too long – can you imagine how uncomfortable it would be trying to sit or lie down in that thing, with all of those pom poms sticking into your back?

Another thing we’ve never been able to get on board with is the flagrant mis-use of denim, as evidenced by Marques Almeida:

ruffled denim fashion crimeruffled denim fashion crimeruffled denim fashion crimeruffled denim fashion crimeruffled denim fashion crime

Our thinking? Denim is at its best when it’s also at its simplest. The second you start to add distressing, ruffles, ruching, patches, embellishment etc, you’re on a slippery slope towards the land of Fashion Crime.  A small amount of any of these might just work: too much of any one of them, though, and you better watch out -someone might call The Fashion Police…

Crimes of Fashion

If you saw it in a thrift store…

… would you pay £50 for this playsuit?

denim playsuit

We’re going to go with “no” on this one – in fact, we’d probably take one look at it and wonder how on earth the staff in the store had let something so obviously past its best under their radar… and who on earth would buy it. If we looked at the price label and saw it was £50, we’d be even MORE amazed – even if it still had the tags on, and was obviously unworn: and we’d be even LESS likely to buy it, obviously!

Of course, taste is subjective, and for every officer out there who wouldn’t wear this playsuit even if you paid HER £50, there’s another who’d happily pay twice as much for the privilege – isn’t fashion a wonderful thing?

Here are some other playsuits that have caught the attention of our officers lately…

strange playsuit

This one looks like some kind of wardrobe malfunction in progress – or, alternatively, some strange kind of crocheted jellyfish. You know those heart-sinking moments when you step outside in a floaty skirt, and the wind blows it right up in your face? That moment can be a permanent one, with the help of this playsuit – at least you’ll know you’re wearing your most sensible bloomers underneath, though!

denim playsuit

This one, meanwhile, goes a long way towards convincing us that denim playsuits are just a bad idea, all round. Er, at least it’s probably practical for… something? Days when it’s cold enough for long sleeved denim, but warm enough for shorts, maybe? We have no idea: but if there’s a denim jumpsuit out there that’s NOT a crime of fashion, we’d really like to see it. (No, really, we’d love to see this mythical item, because until we do, we just won’t believe it exists…)

P.S. Want to look at some cute stuff, rather than fashion crimes? Head over to our sister site ShoeperWoman, for fashion, beauty and lifestyle topics and advice – and not a denim jumpsuit in sight!

Crimes of Fashion

A fringe too far

Well, we’ve once again reached that time of year, when, likely inspired by Coachella and other festivals, fashion designers decide to start pushing fringed items on us, so we can all pretend to be flower children or something.

“Festival fashion” has a lot to answer for, basically: especially when people who aren’t even going to festivals start thinking they have to wear some strange, 70s-inspired “costume”, normally involving flower garlands and the likes. But we digress.

Here’s an example of a pair of jeans that have been given the “fringe” treatment: with fairly comical results:

fringed jeans

Jeans: River Island

Now, we’re going to assume these will probably be popular. It’s festival season, after all: people are going to look at these and say things like, “It’s an interesting twist on an old classic!” and other stuff designed to make you think that if you wear jeans WITHOUT rips and tears and giant fringes around the ankles, then you’re hopelessly out-of-date, and just really quite tragic, basically. As for us, meanwhile: we look at these jeans and see an item of clothing that’s been the victim of a crime of fashion: and it’s not the only one, either:

Zara frayed denim cullottes

Culottes: Zara

OK, one garment like this could’ve been an accident, but two? Two seems like the start of a crimewave to us. The worst thing about these frayed hems is how deliberate they look: we don’t mind destroyed denim when it has that effortless, “these are my favourite jeans: I’ve had them for years” look to it. When it has more of an “I was up all night painstakingly trying to make my denim look old and worn in: please tell me I look cool!” look to it, we’re less impressed.

Finally:

frayed denim jeans

frayed denim jeans: ASOS

In this case, the frayed hems are actually the least of the crimes, aren’t they? Who’d have thought that was even possible?

Crimes of Fashion

From the ‘Where Would You Wear It?” Files…

mesh leggings

Mesh leggings. MESH. LEGGINGS. If ever there were two words that should never appear in a sentence, “mesh” and “leggings” would be those words. Alarmingly, these aren’t the worst example we’ve ever seen, but that doesn’t necessarily exonerate them, does it? They definitely wouldn’t pass the “where would you wear them?” test (In which you have two seconds to come up with somewhere to wear the item in question: if you can’t do it, it’s guilty as charged…), let’s put it that way.

Three more words that shouldn’t ever been used in the same sentence – or, more accurately, in the same product description:

long scuba swimsuit

Long scuba swimsuit“. The “scuba” and “swimsuit” bits we can live with – nothing wrong with that. It’s when you add the word “long”, however, that things start to stray into “fashion crime” territory. What’s the point of the “half a leg” thing, after all? Why would you need it on a swimsuit? Why is it attached to the model’s ankle? Wouldn’t that be kinda annoying when you tried to walk? Can you even SWIM it it? Or is it one of those swimsuits that’s “just for show”? There are all questions which the prosecution would like to put to this swimsuit: we hope it has a good lawyer…

Finally, we know WHERE you’d wear these shoes

Vivienne Westwood toe shoes

Pretty much anywhere you’d wear shoes would work, wouldn’t it? We just don’t know WHY you’d wear them, and we never have. Sure, we know the “toe shoe” is Vivienne Westwood’s thing, and if you’re a fan, it’s a pretty iconic look. We also know that so many people love these shoes that if we tried to arrest them, we’d probably get ourselves lynched or something, so we’ll give them a pass – for now, at least…

Crimes of Fashion

Some minor fashion infractions

Not all crimes of fashion are big ones: the type that would have the Fashion Police swooping down to arrest you, without the chance of bail. Some are just… well, some are just like this:

longline denim jacket

[Buy it here]

It’s hard to imagine how they could have styled this in a way that would’ve made the jacket look any worse, or the model any more miserable, huh? She looks every bit as uncomfortable as she would if someone had stolen all her clothes, and some kind passer-by had lent her his several-sizes-too-large denim jacket to protect her modesty. There may well be a way to make this jacket look a whole lot better – this just isn’t it.

Actually, we suspect this whole “clothes stealing” situation is something we might have to look into, because it seems this poor model has suffered the same fate:

model in half a suit jacket

[Buy it here]

In this case, it looks like the kind passer-by offered up a suit jacket, rather than a denim one. The brave model has done her best to make this look work for her, but … well, let’s put it this way: if she lived where we do, she’d spend the entire day having people walk up to her shouting, “OMG, what happened? Do you need me to call someone?” And that would get really old, really fast…

skin-toned leather trousers

[Buy them here]

As for these trousers, meanwhile, well, these might not even be a minor infraction, if it wasn’t for the fact that they’re such an exact match for the model’s skin tone that, at first glance, we assumed she was naked from the waist down. On someone else, they might just work, but, well, this is why your chief of police avoids pale pink pants – the “naked” look might work for some, but it would definitely raise a few eyebrows in the environs of Fashion Police HQ!

Crimes of Fashion, Shoes

Fine feathers make fine shoes… or do they?

t

FINE FEATHERS MAKE FINE BIRDS… er, we mean shoes. And not so much fine shoes, as “really quite strange shoes“. The kind of shoes you probably wouldn’t be able to wear all that often, because unless you had someone carrying you around on a litter or something, we’re not going to trust those feathers to remain looking pristine for long. And we really don’t think that bedraggled feathers would create quite the same look, somehow…

Of course, that’s just us: we can’t ignore the fact that feather-heeled shoes are still much more popular (at least, if what we’re seeing in stores is anything to go by, anyway. There’s sometimes a difference between what fashion brands will try to sell you, and what people will actually BUY…), so if you like the look, but not the price, here’s a much more affordable version from Missguided:

grey feather heeled sandals

Not quite as exotic, sure, although probably a little more wearable: although, if the reaction we get from simply wearing a pair of heels – ANY pair of heels – is anything to go by, be prepared to get a lot of questions and “hilarious” comments from onlookers about the fact that you appear to have wings on your heels…

If even these are just too OTT for your tastes, worry not: did you know you can even work the feather trend while wearing a sensible pair of boots? Oh yes you can

feathered boots

So you still get to wear feathers on your feet, but at least no one can accuse you of jumping on board a silly fashion trend, can they? These are just WAY too sensible for that…

P.S. Before we go… our sister site, ShoeperWoman, just launched a brand new Questions forum, where you can post questions, and get answers about fashion, beauty, life, or anything you want, really. Go take a look – and feel free to join in!

Crimes of Fashion

5 Fashion Crimes You *Really* Shouldn’t Commit

crimes of fashion

As our regular readers will know by now, our tongues are inserted firmly in our cheeks when we write for The Fashion Police, and most of our pronouncements on these pages are really just a matter of taste. One person’s crime of fashion is another’s most wanted item, and so on and so forth.

There are, however, just a few things that we think really ARE “crimes” of fashion: you won’t go to jail for them, but all the same, we reckon you should run, don’t walk, from the following…

01.  Wearing things just because they’re fashionable

Hands up everyone who wore Birkenstocks last year, just because they were, like, SO on trend? Have you bought yourself a pair of glove shoes, yet? You will – because glove shoes are this year’s Birkenstock, and if you want to keep up with the fashion pack, you’re going to have to wear them. Or, you know, here’s a revolutionary thought: you could just not bother? Obviously if you GENUINELY love an item, then wear it until it falls apart, and don’t let anyone convince you not to – but if you’re wearing it just because you desperately want to be fashionable, and you secretly don’t like it all that much, then you’ve turned yourself into a fashion victim: and fashion victims NEVER look stylish. Speaking of fashion victims…

02. Buying things because “they’re designer!”

Some people are still super-impressed by the idea of wearing clothes with designer labels – to the extent that they don’t really care what the item looks like, as long as it’s OMGDESIGNER, they’ll buy it. These people tend to have no real sense of style of their own, so they use the presence of a designer label as “proof” that the item is stylish. Often, they’ll take a “the bigger, the better” approach to this, ending up wearing clothes emblazoned with giant logos, just to prove they had the money to buy them. They’re not impressing anyone, but they ARE keeping Moschino in business, so there’s that…

03. Wearing things because they look good on someone else

Look, we’ve all been there: you see someone looking amazing in a particular outfit or item, so you rush to copy it – only to end up looking nothing like the person you so admired. The fact is, we’re all different: what looks good on one person might look terrible on someone else, and vice versa, so it’s important to wear the clothes that look good on YOU, not the clothes that look good on other people. This sounds so obvious that it’s barely worth saying, but SO many people commit this “crime” every day: they don’t understand why the look doesn’t work on them, so they just keep on wearing it, instead of finding something that WILL work, instead. Don’t do that.

04. Not ironing your clothes

Yeah, yeah, we know: YOU’VE got BETTER things to do than iron your clothes! YOU have a LIFE, and you’re not going to waste it by standing around ironing all day, are you? We’ll never understand why this is, but for some reason, the very idea of ironing makes some people super-defensive, and even angry – they don’t want to iron, and you can’t make them: in fact, if you even try, they’ll start spitting venom and telling you to “get a life”, just like they have. “I don’t even OWN an iron!” they’ll say, bursting with pride – as if not owning an iron somehow makes them a better person than those who do. Here’s the thing, though: ironing your clothes makes them look better  – it just does. (And yes, we CAN tell that you didn’t bother: sorry.) Yes, you DO have time: if you don’t want to stand at the ironing board for hours, just take a few minutes to run the iron over your outfit before you put it on – unless you think you could maybe cure cancer, write a prize-winning novel, or do any of those much-more-important things that make ironing a compete impossibility for you?

05. Sticking to the same style forever

There comes a point in many people’s style evolution where they just stop evolving, and stick to the same things, worn in the same way, for years on end. Now, we’re big fans of developing a “uniform” of sorts, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with knowing what you like, but if you NEVER update your closet/look, you WILL end up looking dated – and not in a cute, retro-inspired way, either. You don’t have to slavishly follow trends – that was number 1 on our list, after all – but don’t be afraid to try something new every now and then: you never know where it might take you…

Crimes of Fashion

Introducing the jumpsuit that’s also a dress

jumpsuit that turns into a dress for some reason

We are so confused right now.

ASOS describe this item as an “oversized jumpsuit dress”, which, they point out, “can be worn as a dress or as a jumpsuit”.  We have so many questions:

Question # 1: We get that it’s oversized. What we don’t understand is why it’s SO oversized. Like, “oversized” can look cute, and kinda sexy, in an effortless, “Oh yeah, I totally just stole my boyfriend’s shirt,” way… or it can just make you look like you’re wearing someone else’s clothes, and they really, REALLY don’t fit. The fact that this model is looking down at herself, as if to say, “What the HELL am I wearing here?” suggests to us that this outfit falls into the latter category.

Question # 2: How DO you convert it from a jumpsuit to a dress, anyway? There are no instructions on the site: is there a hidden hook, or button, or something, that you can use to make the change? And what would be the point, anyway? Given that the model’s having to adopt a “legs apart” pose in order to show us that it is, in fact, a jumpsuit in the image on the left, we’re thinking that if she were standing normally, you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference, anyway.

Question # 3: WHY? Just…. why? This is a question that comes up almost every time we look at jumpsuits, though, so we’ll admit to a degree of bias here. For instance:

baggy, shapeless jumpsuit: WHY?

This one doesn’t claim to be anything other than a regular old jumpsuit, but we’re still totally confused by the completely shapeless design, the “nude” colour, the way it makes the model’s body look like a rectangle…It’s prison-uniform chic, only without the “chic” bit, really.

Still, at least we know where to go next time we’re buying uniforms for the inmates of the Fashion Police jail!

Crimes of Fashion

A solution for people who wear pyjamas in public

pyjamas in public

pyjamas in public

Did you see the recent fuss about the headteacher who asked parents to stop doing the school run in their pyjamas, and to think about maybe getting dressed before leaving their homes in the mornings?

It was a recent story, but it wasn’t a recent development. Back in the days when The Fashion Police were at school (which, OK, is a long time ago now, but still…) it would’ve been totally unthinkable for anyone’s parents to turn up at the gates in their pyjamas or dressing gowns: in fact, anyone who DID have to suffer the indignity of being seen with pyjama-clad parents back in those days is probably still in therapy, trying to get over the after-effects of the teasing and bullying they’d have been subjected to.

Now, though, nightwear-in-public seems to be a fairly common phenomenon – at least, if the media is to be believed. (We can still count on one hand the number of times we’ve seen someone walking around in a dressing gown and slippers, but who knows, that might just be us.) This isn’t the first time schools have had to write to parents requesting that they wear clothes, and we’ve also heard stories about supermarkets and other public places banning patrons in pyjamas from entering their store. No matter how many stories we read along these lines, though, it just keeps on happenigng, so it looks like we’re just going to have to accept that people want to wear their pyjamas in public, and nothing’s going to stop them.

Taking the “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” philosophy to its natural conclusion, then, Zara have helpfully decided to come to the rescue. Their current collection contains a few pieces of pyjama-inspired daywear, and technically these ARE “real” clothes, so you can still LOOK like you’re wearing your pyjamas in public… without actually having to wear pyjamas in public.

But how will the schools cope with this, we wonder?

Crimes of Fashion, Trousers/Pants

Where would you wear it? Foil jumpsuit

isabel marant jumpsuit

Some items of clothing become fashion crimes purely because they’re ugly, while others are just totally impractical. (And some, of course, are both ugly AND impractical: those are the biggest criminals of all…)

This one, however… well, ugliness is subjective, and we GUESS you could it practical, depending on what you were wearing it for. It’s probably reasonably warm, for instance – although it’s possible we’re just thinking that because of the fabric’s resemblance to a foil blanket. It doesn’t look too tight or restrictive, and you wouldn’t have to worry about it blowing up in a stiff breeze, the way you would with a skirt or dress. So, OK, let’s say it’s practical: that just leaves us with the third category of fashion crime – or what we in the force refer to as “a category 3”:

Where on earth would you wear it?

The thing is, we’ve been looking at it for a while now, and we just can’t imagine a single situation in our entire lives when we’ve been in need of a £700 foil jumpsuit. Not ever. What’s more, unless we suddenly find ourselves living in some kind of sci-fi sitcom, we can’t imagine there ever BEING a situation where we’d need to wear a £900 foil tinfoil, either. This actually makes us a bit sad: because just imagine how fun your life would be if you were the kind of person who regularly found yourself in need of a foil jumpsuit? Exactly.

We’re not, though, and chances are, YOU’RE probably not either. Just think about it: have you ever been getting dressed for something, and found yourself thinking, “You know what this calls for? A tinfoil jumpsuit. If only I owned such an item, or knew where to buy one!”

If you answered “yes” to that question, the good news is you DO know where to buy one: you can buy this one at Net-a-Porter.

If you answered “no”, on the other hand, well, at least you just saved yourself £925. So it’s good news for YOU, too, isn’t it?

 

Crimes of Fashion, Shoes

Furry mules: still a crime of fashion

furry slides

furry mules

Well, THIS is disappointing.

We really thought that furry slides were one of those flash-in-the-pan fashion trends that would be left well and truly behind us in 2015. One of those trends, in fact, that people would look back on a few months later, and think “what on EARTH was I thinking?”

We STILL think that’s probably going to happen at some point, but unfortunately it seems we’re going to have to wait a little while longer for it to happen, because look what we just found at Topshop: yup, furry slides. In a choice of three colours. Is that someone calling the Fashion Police, we hear?

These are £56, which seems like quite a lot of money to us for something that looks… well, like THIS, basically. With that said, we can’t really imagine thinking any price would be reasonable here – not even if we were buying them purely as slippers, with the intention of wearing them around the house. (Side note: it’s a sign of what the fashion world has come to that we actually have to clarify here that slippers are what we’d wear ‘around the house’, but with the line between “pyjamas” and “outdoor clothes” now blurred to the point where it doesn’t actually exist any more, we think the disclaimer is probably necessary…) In fact, you’d actually have to pay US to wear these in public, and we probably wouldn’t do it for £56, either.

So, have Topshop got it wrong, or are people going to be lining up to buy these? Well, we’ve said it before, but this is yet another so-called trend that we’ve only ever seen on fashion bloggers and reality TV stars, so we’ll be surprised if people start wearing them to work, say. Unless, of course, they work as the aforementioned fashion bloggers and reality TV stars, obviously…