To kick off this week’s Fashion Crime roundup, we bring you the sad news of a poor pink coat which was needlessly attacked, and had to be cobbled back together again with black tape:
Christopher Kane, £1399
Oh no, sorry, our mistake – it’s a £1.399 designer coat which just LOOKS like it’s being held to together with black tape. So, just to confirm:
Old pink coat by no-name brand, held together by tape = fit for the bin, because no one in their right mind would wear it.
Super-expensive OMGDESIGNER coat, held together by tape = edgy and amazing piece of high fashion.
Maybe this would make more sense to us if the “coat” in question didn’t look like something a school dinner lady might have been forced to wear in the late 70s, say? (No offence to school dinner ladies from the late 70s, by the way…) Or maybe it’s not even SUPPOSED to make sense? If you can actually understand high fashion, after all, well, that probably means it just isn’t “edgy” enough. Or YOU’RE just not edgy enough. Please pass us a pillow to cry into over that…
Anyway, needless to say, this isn’t actually some terrible duct-tape crime, it’s Christopher Kane’s attempt to make black tape happen:
It gives new meaning to the words “fashion tape”, doesn’t it?
Elsewhere on the internet, meanwhile, these exist:
We’ve named these The Crime Scene Shorts. We see the weapon (the spikes on each side) and we see the blood-spatter. While we can’t know for sure what happened here (Can someone get Dexter over here?), we’re assuming the wounds were self-inflicted, and the shorts, realising how ugly they were, decided they just couldn’t live with themselves any longer. It’s sad, yes, but at least we can comfort ourselves with the knowledge that their suffering is over.
The suffering of this poor garment, however, has only just begun:
River Island, £35
In the context of some of the other crimes we’ve arrested, this may seem pretty tame: innocent, even. But guys: it’s a button-down shirt with a cropped sweatshirt stuck to it. THIS MAKES NO SENSE. None at all. Do River Island think we’d all be too dumb to figure out how to create this “special” look for ourselves? Were they unable to imagine a scenario in which we WOULDN’T want to wear these two items together? And seriously, of ALL the items of clothing you could stick something to the top off, a shirt is one of the most senseless. You’ll never be able to unbutton that shirt, folks – or not all the way, anyway. It’s only half a shirt. And that’s only half a sweatshirt attached to us. The world is a far sadder place today, now that this item exists.