The Fashion Police have arrested hundreds of items of clothing in the years we’ve been policing the world of fashion. Our cells are pretty crowded. Not all crimes of fashion are created equal, though. Some items are guaranteed life imprisonment in The Fashion Police jail, just by virtue of their very existence. These are the clothes that are just never going to win us over, no matter how hard anyone tries to argue for their innocence. They are the unforgivable fashion sins. They’re the Fashion Police’s Ultimate Fashion Crimes.
And here they are…
1. Harem Pants
[All items available at Yoox.com]
If you’ve been reading this site for any length of time at all, you won’t be even remotely surprised to see harem pants topping our list of Ultimate Fashion Crimes. There are absolutely no redeeming features to these pants, and we have yet to see a single person look good in them. With the ability to distort the body (often with unintentionally hilarious consequences) and make their wearer appear to be wearing a very full diaper underneath their clothes, harem pants are the fashion crime to end all fashion crimes.
Please do not approach these pants, readers: they may be dangerous…
Our officers on the beat captured this Crime of Fashion at Primark this week. We know nightwear is usually outwith our jurisdiction, but this is basically contraception in clothing form, and the growing trend for pyjamas in public makes us worry that we’ll soon start seeing these on the street.
Meanwhile, if these had been in the children’s department, we’d probably have thought they were cute:
But we found them in menswear. That’s … not cute. Look at the FEET, people. Why would grown men want to do this to themselves?
(We know, we know: they’re SO! COMFY! And WARM! But so are lots of clothes. Breaking news: you don’t HAVE to dress like a giant penguin in order to be comfortable and warm: there are other ways, people! THERE ARE OTHER WAYS.)
Spotted a crime of fashion in the wild?
Take a photo and send it to report @thefashionpolice.net. Together we will fight crimes of fashion!
We know we’re fighting the good fight against adult onesies all on our lonesome here, and that as soon as this post goes live, we’ll start getting comments telling us it’s “NONE OF OUR BISNISS!” what people choose to wear at home, and that they’re “SO COMFY!”*, but we will continue to fight it. Because if there’s anything funnier than the idea of grown adults solemnly going about their business while dressed as Bugs Bunny, we’ve yet to see it.
Actually, on second thoughts, maybe we won’t fight the growing wave of adult onesies. Sometimes we all need a good laugh, after all, don’t we?
This one is from Topshop: click here to buy it.
*The same argument is regularly made in defence of Crocs. The prosecution rests.
In a bid to prevent racegoers dressing like they’re going to a nightclub – or to the circus, depending on your point of view – Royal Ascot organisers have decided to tighten up on the ol’ dresscode. As of this year, female racegoers will have to wear:
1. Hats, as opposed to fascinators. (in the less formal grandstand, hats OR fascinators will be obligatory: they were previously optional-but-recommended.)
2. “Modest” skirts or dresses – i.e. hemlines must be just above the knee or longer.
3. Tops with straps: no strapless tops or dresses allowed. Or else.
Men, meanwhile, will be expected to wear waistcoats and ties inside the enclosure (no cravats, you peasants!), and suits and ties in the grandstand.
So, in conclusion:
What do you think? Are you pleased to see a return to “standards” with a strongly-enforced dress code, or do you think people should be free to wear whatever they want, regardless of the circumstances?
(For the record, we’re all for the dress codes, if only because at least people know where they stand that way. And let’s face it: a lot of people just don’t have a CLUE how to dress themselves. You can tell purely by the number of people who find this website after searching for the words “Can I wear jeans to a wedding?” And we just know that if you give them an inch, they’ll turn up in an adult onesie one of these days, bleating, “BUT IT’S SOOOO COMFY!”)
Happy Thanksgiving to our American readers, who are probably all too busy enjoying/tolerating the holiday to even read this!
For those of you still here, we just wanted to let you know that we’re also taking a couple of days off: we leave you with this adult onesie from Topshop, which will be perfect for sleeping off the effects of a turkey dinner, and some links to our favourite older posts.
Enjoy, and we’ll be back as usual on Monday!
Skin Colour is Not a Fashion Statement
Why it’s just as OK to be pale as it is to be any other colour.
Five Fashion Phrases We Hate
Feel free to add your own…
The Fashion Victim Drinking Game
Grab a drink, pull up some fashion blogs and enjoy!
How young is too young for heels?
Tell us what you think!
Ugly dresses: a roundup
A glimpse inside the dress section of the Fashion Police jail.
… you’ll love this Andrea Crews bodysuit:
Well, WHO WOULDN’T love it, we ask you? WHO?
Following on from our roundup of adult onesies yesterday, we discovered this at River Island:
We think they’re selling it as sleepwear, but the first rule of Fashion Policing is “never assume” (the second rule is “arrest anything that has a drop-crotch”), and given the current state of fashion, we’re honestly not convinced there aren’t people who would wear this in public.
Stranger things have happened, after all….
If there’s one thing we’ve learned in the long year’s we’ve been Fashion Policing, it’s this: people love adult onesies. LOVE them. Seriously, you guys just can’t get enough of giant babygrows. We’re not saying you’re wearing them out of doors – not YET, anyway – but any post we write on the subject of adult onesies will normally elicit a bunch of comments which include frequent use of the phrase “But they’re so comfy!” As we believe that what people choose to wear in the comfort of their own home is no business of ours anyway, we will refrain from pointing out that this is exactly how people try to defend Crocs, too, and simply provide you with our ultimate list of Adult Onesies…
Adult Onesies: The Roundup
Argyle print adult onesie.
OK, we promised ourselves we wouldn’t make fun of these, but seriously: who’d want to sleep with this dude?
You know, they look so happy in their adult onesies that it’s really hard to hate them, isn’t it?
We know what you’ll say to this.
“But, Fashion Police!” you’ll say. “You could belt it! And wear it with different shoes! Maybe a leather jacket or something to toughen it up. It could all be OK!”
But the fact is, they DIDN’T belt it. Or put the model in different shoes. Or “toughen it up”. And it’s NOT OK. It’s very much NOT OK. And all of the objections you can think of will simply boil down to “if it looked completely different, in every possible way, THEN it might work”. Meanwhile, this poor model is suffering, and no one – not even The Fashion Police – can help here.
Her torment didn’t end with the dress, either:
We can all agree that this is wrong, can’t we?
It’s Kate Moss’s famous “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” quote, printed on a t-shirt. A t-shirt for children. Because THAT’S a really healthy message for kids, isn’t it?
If you think it’s bad enough to be emblazoning this particular message on a shirt for little children, though, how about the onesie version? And no, we’re not referring to the ubiquitous adult onesie, here, but the ones for babies:
Luckily, the Advertising Standards Agency agreed that this kind of message isn’t suitable for childrens’ clothing and have banned adverts for it from appearing on custom shirt site Zazzle.
“Because we considered the ad could condone or encourage an unsafe practice or result in physical, mental or moral harm to children, we concluded that it was irresponsible,” said a spokesperson. “We told Zazzle to ensure future ads were not irresponsible and, particularly where they were addressed to or depicted children, did not contain anything that was likely to condone or encourage an unsafe practice or to result in their physical, mental or moral harm.”
We’re just amazed that Zazzle needed to be told this…
We have talked before about the fondness designers have for creating children’s garments in adult sizes: the proliferation of adult onesies, dungarees and pants with room for a diaper only serves to reinforce our opinion on this matter. But now the footwear designers are getting in on the act too, creating shoes to complete your dressing like a toddler ensemble. Check out the examples above. On the left is a pair of red patent T bars by Shelleys (which we are fairly sure we had when we were 5). On the right is a pair of the type of summer shoes you would be forced to wear for school in the summer as a child. Not only are they juvenile, they are also ugly. And having been forced into them as a child, why would you want to voluntarily wear them as an adult?
What do you think though? Do you agree with us about the increasing trend for dressing like an infant, or are we completely wrong and do you think these are the most adorable shoes you’ve seen in a long time?
Shelley’s Cupcake T bar shoes, £45 at ASOS
Red school sandals, £36 at Next
Look at these people, readers. They’re wearing a ONEPIECE. It’s the hot new trend sweeping the nation. Yes, we checked our calendars too, to make sure it wasn’t April the 1st already…
We don’t normally reproduce press releases here, but we’re going to make an exception for this one. This is what the makers of Onepiece have to say about it (our bold, for emphasis):
: Starting in 2007, three hung-over Norwegians (Thomas Adams, Henrik Nøstrud and Knut Gresvig) had the idea to sew together a hooded sweatshirt and a pair of sweatpants [OMGSTUCKTOGETHERCLOTHES! -FP], connecting the two with a giant zipper to create the ORIGINAL OnePiece. An instant success amongst Norwegians, OnePiece was introduced to the British market to a massive, indescribable frenzy [And yet you just described it. Huh. – FP]– London’s Evening Standard broke the story as, “THE Winter Trend Of 2010,” The Guardian devoted a three-page cover feature on it, Sky News made it a rotating weekend feature and it became the most discussed ‘news item’ on The Daily Mail website [This isn’t surprising, actually. The Daily Fail readers get excited about anything – FP.]. With various patterns/colors to choose from (including the standard Nordic snowflake-style motif), made of high-quality, fleecy cotton with a zip that starts at the crotch and goes up to the top, OnePiece is rapidly becoming the new fashion and lifestyle statement. OnePiece is the perfect chill-out, recovery wear for lazy Sundays, it can also be worn outdoors [Only if you want us to arrest you…FP] for a quick shopping trip/running errands, as well as a suitable and comfy in-flight clothing option (airports have never looked so colorful).
This is the shape of the future, readers. People are absolutely hellbent on trying to convince each other that they’re making a “style statement!” by wearing adult onesies in public. The Cult of the Casual has taken over to such an extent that the appearance of a new ADULT ONESIE on the market can spark a “frenzy”. In other news: there is no God.
Oh, and did we mention they’re $200?
Click here for the Onepiece website. It’ll make you feel like this, apparently:
But it made US feel like THIS:
How does it make YOU feel?
As you all know, The Fashion Police try to avoid getting involved in matters relating to what people wear in the privacy of their own homes. It’s out of our jurisdiction.
This advert, however, appears to suggest that it’s entirely appropriate to wear an adult onesie to “the ball game” and in other public places.
This is why civilisation is doomed.
Watch and learn, people. (Also, look out for the big selling point: you don’t have to remove it to use the bathroom! Er, yeah.)
So, it hasn’t been the coldest of starts to 2011. What’s a girl to do with all those thermal onesies she invested in, but was forced to leave languishing in the wardrobe once the cold snap was over? Paul & Joe Sister have the answer…
Yup, throw a leather jacket over it, add a pair of platforms and voila! One office-to-club ready look with minimal effort.
And you can just strip off the jacket and heels and hop straight into bed at the end of the night – bonus!
Paul & Joe Sister tea linen-jersey jumpsuit: £135 from Net-a-Porter
We were thinking it was high time to change the uniform for our inmates in Fashion Police Jail, and we think we could have found the perfect item. What better punishment than making the fashion criminals look at one another in this garish print all day, every day? Mind you, that might be just too much for our prison guards to bear. Perhaps we should just arrest this for being an adult onesie and lock it away too?
Bail is set at £544 and you can pay for its release at ASOS.
As you can probably tell from the title of this post, this is a ribbed hooded onesie from Alexander Wang. And we’re going to stop Mr Wang right there because anything called a onesie? Has no place on a fashion retail site for adults. Yes it looks like it could be nightwear, but why then has it been styled with high heels? Put the hood up and it looks even worse:
Animal print? Check. Harem pants? Check. Onesie? Check. Ill-fitting across bust? Apparently check! There is little right about this jumpsuit.
But a closer look reveals that the bottom part of this little number doesn’t fall strictly within the harem pant genre. The shape is less “slouchy boho chic” and more “excess fabric creates tent-effect around hips”. The point of which we really can’t see, and assume accounts for the model’s forced-looking stance…
Just to put the final nail in the coffin, it’s a polyester-cotton blend. Which probably explains the bargain price tag. Still, at this price at least you won’t suffer buyer’s remorse, once you realise what a huge, criminal mistake the wholle look is!
Bianca animal jumpsuit, £20 from Boohoo.
The Dress Like a Toddler Trend is a fashion movement which, although not particularly widespread, has still proved to be popular with some people. Some people who feel that adults should dress like toddlers, that is.
A large part of the Dress Like a Toddler Trend involves the wearing of adult onesies:
These guys think they look really cute, quirky, and, like, totally adorable. They don’t have girlfriends.
If they were in the comfort of their own home, it might be OK. (Unless, of course, they were hoping to get lucky that night, if you know what we mean). We’re not saying you can’t ever choose comfort over style, you see: we’re just saying that when you’re wearing the same clothes as your 11-month-old, you might want to reconsider…
Ah, that magical moment when evening-wear and onesies collide!
We’re most confused by the tweed fabric used in this. When would you wear a tweed “onesie”? In some other fabric, and if, say, it had a skirt, rather than what appear to be cycling shorts at the bottom, it could just’ve worked – or at least been a whole lot less puzzling.
Of course, that would defeat the whole purpose of the tweed onesie, though, and Alexander Wang wouldn’t be able to charge $395 for it. Ah, fashion!
We’ve made no secret of the fact that we don’t really get the whole “Dress Like a Toddler” trend, or why adults would want to dress up as ickle wickle bunny wabbits and the like – even in the privacy of their own homes.
When the adults in question are prepared to pay $610 for their onesies, we’re even more confused: and the fact that this one is sold out at Opening Ceremony conforms, that yes, there are people willing to do exactly that.
The mind boggles.