Crimes of Fashion

New in at Net-a-Porter…

Our officers love browsing the “new in” section at everyone’s favourite designer fashion website, Net-a-Porter. We can’t actually afford to BUY anything, obviously, but sometimes it’s nice to look, isn’t it?

Other times, mind you, it’s just plain ol’ PUZZLING to look. What’s going on here, for instance?

trousers with pockets at the ankles

Buy them

They’re pants with pockets. Which would’t be even remotely surprising, obviously, except, in this case, the pockets are at the ankles, rather than at the more usual place: the hips (or thereabouts).  We have to assume these aren’t supposed to be used as FUNCTIONING pockets, because how would you stop things from falling out when you walked? We have to admit, though, we’d kinda like to see someone TRY to use them as functioning pockets – ideally with something like little teddy bears or something in the pockets. If you fancy giving that a shot, these will “only” cost you £430…

Also at Net-a-Porter this morning, we found these:

cropped patchwork mom jeans

Buy Then

It’s like everything that was bad about the late 80s/early 90s, all wrapped up in one, £565 package. We’re reaching for our credit card as we write this.*

(*No we’re not.)

Finally, we were initially just amused when we found this suspect:

drop-crotch jumpsuit

Buy It

“Wow, so adult onesies are still a thing, huh?” we thought. “Still: at least most people wear them in the privacy of their own homes, and the ones who don’t have long-since been arrested, so the world is probably safe from any more onesies-in-public crimes!”

Then we checked out Net-a-Porter’s suggested styling:

adult onesie worn in public

We don’k know about you, but we just can’t think “adult onesie” without ALSO thinking “clutch bag”. The two go together like… chalk and cheese, say.  Net-a-Porter suggest this outfit would be “perfect” for “running errands or heading to the gym”. We think we see a crime way approaching…


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