This week’s Fashion Crime roundup has a ‘Terrible Trousers’ theme. “Terrible in what way, Fashion Police?” we hear you ask. Well, let’s take a look…
Suspect # 1 | The ‘2 Become 1’ Pants
[Buy them here]
You all know by now how we feel about Stuck Together Clothes Crimes, but we don’t think it gets much worse than when a pair of drop-crotch sweatpants (At least, we THINK they’re drop-crotch. It’s hard to tell when they’re designed to look like they’re permanently falling down…) is stuck to a pair of acid-wash jeans. The only thing worse than that would be if… nope, actually, we were right the first time: there’s NOTHING worse than that. And while SOME Stuck-Together-Clothes Crimes have at least a little bit of logic behind them (We’re not saying we’d ever want to stick a cardigan to a tank top, for instance, but we can at least imagine wearing those two items together, and thus understand why the stuck-togther-ness might have seemed like a good idea at the time.), this item makes the model look like she’s wearing sweatpants OVER THE TOP OF JEANS. Because people do that now, apparently. Do people do that now? Is this a thing, the sweatpants-over-jeans? Because we may need to call in some reinforcements, if so.
Then there’s these:
Suspect #2 | Crushed polyester pants
“Crushed polyester”: if ever there were two words to make us NOT want to wear something, those would be the two words. These pants could only be IMPROVED by attaching them to something else: ideally something that would cover them completely, because as they are, they just look like sad clown pants. The good news is that these WERE £500, but have now been reduced to £100. We know it’s hard to understand why they didn’t rush off the shelves at the original price, but that’s one of the great mysteries of fashion, isn’t it?
Suspect #3 | Chilling Maxing & Relaxing Cover Up Pants
‘Chilling Maxing & Relaxing Cover Up Pants’ isn’t our description of these trousers: it’s their actual name. It fairly trips off the tongue, too, doesn’t it? “Oh,” you’d say, after a hard day at work, “I think I’m going to go cange into my Chilling Maxing & Relaxing Cover Up Pants!” In their defence, the fact that these trousers have the word “cover up” in their lengthy name suggests that they’re designed to be worn as a swimwear cover-up, (Either that, or they’re “covering up” some other kind of fashion crime…) and not as street wear. This, however, raises another question that’s troubled us for a while now, namely: why are cover-ups always so ugly? Is there some kind of law about this that we’re not aware of? Seriously people, it’s a beach, not an ugly pants party – these may well cover you up, but that doesn’t mean they’ll look good while they’re doing it.
Suspect # 4 | The pink patent pants
Oh, fabulous: pink patent pants with an attached skirt – it’s like a Matrix costume for My Little Pony. And it’s $1,200, too!
We guess the only questions remaining now are whether you consider these items to be crimes of fashion? And if so, which is the worst of them?