We kick off this week’s fashion crime line-up with a double-whammy:
Suspect # 1: This entire outfit
The individual elements of this little ensemble – shoes and dress – would be bad enough on their own. Put them together and we have a two-pronged attack on the eyes, and a double-murder of style. The shoes are flatforms, and although they’re not the WORST examples we’ve ever seen, that gives them automatic fashion crime status. The dress, meanwhile, looks almost like someone’s brave first attempt at sewing from their own pattern: simply take two rectangles, stitch them together, leaving spaces for the head, arms and legs, and bingo! Saks describe it as “decidedly dramatic”. Which is ONE way of putting it, we’ll give them that.
(Oh, and it’s £416. Which makes us want to take up sewing, all of a sudden.)
Suspect # 2: Another see-through skirt
Nothing says “stylish” quite like being able to see the side seams and inside pockets of your £500 skirt. Except butt cheeks, of course. Butt cheeks make everything edgier, don’t they?
Suspect # 3: The Soda Bottle Heels
We’re used to Charlotte Olympia and her quirky ways, of course, and some of you might quite like these soda bottle heels, which retail for an astonishing £1,090. If you DO like them, then, you might want to consider a DIY solution instead: anyone got any old Coke bottles lying around?
Suspect # 4: Flatform gladiator sanadals
If ever there were two words we hoped never to have to use together in a sentence, “flatform” and “gladiator” would be those two words. Well, here they are: flatform gladiator sandals. It’s all downhill from here, folks.
The good news is that these zip up at the back, so you don’t actually have to fasten all those buckles every time you put them on. The bad news, meanwhile… Well, the bad news is pretty self-evident here, isn’t it?