2014

the ugliest dresses of the year

The Ugliest Dresses of 2014

We hope all our officers are having a happy holiday season, and taking the opportunity to rest up and get ready for a super-stylish new year. Right now, though, it’s still 2014, and we’re continuing our look back at some of the biggest fashion fails of the year – in our opinion, at least. This time we’re looking at some of the ugliest dresses of the year, and, as with our last roundup, these are all items from our archive , which means you’re unlikely to be still be able to buy most of them – unless you’re very unlucky. Here are some of our least favourite dresses of the year:  Meadham Kirchhoff rubber apron dress 2013 brought us one of…

the ugliest trousers of 2014

The Ugliest Trousers of 2014

The holiday season is almost upon us, and, it being the season of goodwill and all that, The Fashion Police generally like to declare a fashion crime amnesty at this time of year, allowing fashion criminals to go forth and do their worst, without fear of arrest. While our officers take a break from hunting down new crimes of fashion, however, we thought we’d take a quick look back at some of the items already in our jail. We’re starting off with the trousers section, which encompasses shorts, jeans, jumpsuits – anything with two legs, in other words. Or sometimes with just one, actually. Well, you know how these fashion crimes can be. Here are some of what we think…

Prada fake leg boots

Prada’s ‘fake leg’ boots are now available at Yoox.com

Remember Prada’s infamous ‘Look! It’s a prosthetic leg!” boots? We arrested the Mary Jane version back in 2011, but it would appear these possibly weren’t the instant sellout the brand were hoping for, and you can still find the odd pair (and we mean that literally: they’re very “odd”, aren’t they?) floating around the internet. Our officers apprehended this suede version at Yoox.com, where they’re currently selling for an ambitious £506 – although if you don’t wear UK size 4.5 or 5.5 you could be destined for disappointment. (Or a lucky escape, depending on how you look at it.) Designed to create the appearance of a bare leg with a black, ankle-strap pump on the foot, these are Footwear Impostors…

dungaree shorts

Shorts + Dungarees = Crime of Fashion

[Buy them here] It’s hard to imagine the thought process that goes into creating something like this. By that, we mean, it’s hard not to imagine it going something like this: IMPORTANT FASHUN DESIGNER: “Hmmm, I think I’ll design a pair of dungarees. Dungarees have never been cool, so, in making them, I’ll enable people to brag about wearing a “difficult” piece of clothing, and that will make them seem really hip and experimental, because they’ll be eschewing the usual “rules” of flattering your figure etc, and wearing something that indicates they don’t give a crap about how they look. Which will make them look even MORE hip and edgy. Then I will be the designer who made dungarees fashionable,…

dress with four sets of arms

This dress is ‘armful

[Buy it here] It’s not often we get to make the same bad joke twice in quick succession, but having recently shown you the ‘armless coat, we couldn’t resist pointing out its opposite – the ‘armful dress. (As in, it’s full of arms…) Yes, Fashion Force, this dress has twice the usual amount of arms (Although, in its defence, only two of them appear to be functional), and the model looks every bit as confused by that fact as we are. Her facial expression in the second image says it all: she’s all, “Seriously? You want me to WEAR this thing?” Never forget that Modelling Is Hard, people. In addition to the fact that the dress basically has a sweater…

Birkenstocks with socks

Skirt, Sandals, Socks

[Buy here] Back in the summer, Birkenstocks (or Birkenstock-style sandals) all of a sudden became the height of fashion, and every edgy fashionista dutifully rushed out and bought a pair. There they all were, clomping around in hideous shoes, declaring that they’d “always” loved them – even although they had never even mentioned them before that moment, and actually wouldn’t have been caught dead in them until they were officially declared “bang on trend.” Meanwhile, all those people who actually HAD always worn Birkenstocks – mostly for reasons that had absolutely nothing to do with being “bang on trend” – silently seethed at unwittingly being made to look like fashion victims, just for continuing to wear what they liked. These…

overpriced denim jacket

How much would you pay for a beat-up denim jacket?

[Buy it here] Can you guess how much this denim jacket costs, Style Sleuths? No cheating, now: don’t go clicking on the link and pretending you knew all along. Just give us your best guess, taking into account the fact that the style is dated, the denim is busted, and it looks suspiciously like its been cobbled together from a pair of jeans. Any guesses? OK, we’ll tell you: this denim jacket will set you back £1,735 British Pounds – or roughly $2,700. Surprised? We were. But then again, not really, because, you know, FASHUN. Only in the wonderful world of high fashion does something become more expensive the worse it looks. If it looks like something you wouldn’t be…

green coat

This coat is totally ‘armless

This coat isn’t a crime of fashion: or not in our book, anyway. Actually, it’s quite nice: we love the colour, like the slim, unfussy shape… nope, no issues with THIS coat. Well, other than the lack of arms, obviously. This coat, you see, is totally armless (GEDDIT). It’s not particularly a sartorial issue, you understand, because as we say, its appearance is perfectly inoffensive. So we guess our main question with this one is whether or not you’d pay £89 for a piece of winter outerwear, which would require you to buy/wear other items in order for it to fulfil its purpose AS outerwear. This isn’t a new concept, obviously. We submit into evidence the humble body-warmer, which is…

Honey, I Shrunk the Fashion Models…

  shirt / sweater So, the over-sized look is “in”, we guess. And, just in case the giant orange dress from our last post wasn’t enough of a clue about that, ASOS helpfully bring us the type of shirt and sweater that make the model look like’s she’s been the victim of some kind of hilarious “shrinking” experiment, but hasn’t had time to shop for clothes in her new size yet. We present these more as a ‘Style Trial’ or a simple trend alert than as a fashion crime as such – although we certainly think there are ample opportunities for this particular look to stray into fashion criminal territory. In the shots above, for instance, the items in question aren’t so…

orange Valentino dress

We’re, like, totally obsessed with this orange Valentino dress

Valentino orange silk dress, $3,700 We’ve always hated it when people use the word “brave” to describe someone’s fashion choices. Not only is it something of a back-handed compliment to give someone, (“Oh, that’s such a BRAVE choice!” is generally fashion-speak for, “Wow, what a hot mess!”) it also leaves you with no way to describe things that are ACTUALLY “brave”. If wearing clothes is “brave”, how do you describe someone who runs into a burning building to rescue a kitten, for instance? You’d have no words, would you? (See also: people who use the word “OBSESSED” when what they actually mean is “I glanced at this, and I quite like it, but I’ll have forgotten all about it by the…

bucket shaped skirt

The Story of a Skirt

So, here’s what we think happened: it was The Clothes Ripper. Yes, AGAIN. This poor model was obviously just walking around, minding her own business, as you do. In a $160 bra. Well, we’ve all been there, haven’t we? Maybe everything else was in the wash that day, who knows? Anyway, she’s minding her own business, as we said, when out he pops: THE CLOTHES RIPPER! And he makes off with her trousers/jeans/skirt/whatever she was wearing before this skirt took over. So there she is, poor thing: alone on the street, with just a powder blue bra for cover. What does our quick-thinking model do? She pops into the nearest convenience store, buys herself a cheap plastic bucket, a pair…

asymmetric coat in two colours

Can’t make up your mind which winter coat to go for?

[Buy it here for $928] For most of us, winter coats definitely fall into the category of “investment purchase” – and that means choosing one can be tricky. Because winter coats tend to be one of the more expensive clothing purchases you make all year, and also because you know you’re going to be wearing whichever one you choose every day for weeks, you really don’t want to make an expensive mistake. But what style to choose? Should you go for Dull-But-Sensible black or navy: the workhorse coat, which will go with everything, but never really make you excited to wear it? Or should you go throw caution to the wind, with the Pop-of-Colour coat? Sure, it might clash with…

Agent Provocateur bra

Would you buy a £600 bra?

Agent Provocateur bra, £595 “Heeeeey, nice bra!” we thought, when this gold lace number popped up in the “new in” section at Net-a-Porter. And then, “Whoooaaa! Expensive bra!” Normally the lingerie section is one of the few parts of the Net-a-Porter website that we might actually have a chance of affording something. Not this time, though. At £595 (Which works out at around $950), Agent Provocateur’s Soirée Zarrinia metallic beaded lace underwired bra is as expensive as a pair of designer shoes, a leather handbag, or many, many other items we could name  – both fashion-related and otherwise. This leaves us with the obvious question: can a bra EVER really be worth £600? To be clear, this isn’t one of…

Help fight these terrible trouser crimes

Please note, Fashion Force: this is not a drill. These are not simply expensive Halloween costumes – even although they look like they are. These are actual fashion items, designed to be worn in your day-to-day life. Tell us, though: would you wear these? [Buy them here for £432] It’s testament to the length of time we’ve been in the fashion crime-fighting business that our first thought upon seeing these wasn’t, “OMG, see-through pants!” but “Well, at least they’re not TOTALLY sheer…” And they’re not. There are some embroidered sections to, er, protect your modesty. Just make sure you wear your best undies with them: we’ll know if you don’t. [Buy them here for £165] We’ve been fighting the good…

foot snatcher

The Foot Snatcher Strikes at Haider Ackermann

The Foot Snatcher is a dangerous fashion criminal who snatches the feet of unsuspecting fashion victims. The Snatcher’s usual weapon of choice is a pair of overly-long pants, however, as these poor models discovered, there are other ways to snatch feet, too: Buy it here for £1650 We THINK that’s a skirt, but it could also be long pants. Or it could simply be a blanket wrapped around the model’s waist. What we DO know is that it surely has to be hard to walk with all of that fabric swirling around your feet ,no? Hard, and also kinda filthy. Imagine the hems of that skirt/trouser/whatever it is after a short stroll along the average city street. Now imagine them…

strange sweaters

Not Your Average Sweaters

It’s sweater weather! No doubt you’ll have already seen a million fashion editorials, and a million-and-one blog posts helpfully informing you of this very fact. Gone are the days when the humble sweater was the “sensible” choice for a cold day, however. No, today’s sweaters are fashion-forward, edgy and unique. And probably not much use on a cold day, come to think of it. Take a look at this suspect, for instance: Costume National Wool Vest, $999 We guess you could layer something under it if you actually wanted to beat the chill in it? You’d still look and feel like you were in a cocoon, obviously, but maybe that’s the point? Along somewhat similar lines, but with fewer cutouts,…

leather trousers

Would it sell on eBay?

We’ve been here before, we know: Jeremy Scott patent lace-up trousers, £1110 Well, not here EXACTLY, obviously. Thankfully we don’t see too many pairs of pants like this as part of mainstream fashion collections, (When we do, though, Jeremy Scott is often responsible…), but there was a trend for patent skirts last winter, and it looks like some factions of the fashion world are attempting to resurrect it for winter 2014. The trousers at the top of the page are a fairly extreme example of this look, but here’s another version, this time from Christopher Kane: Christoper Kane coat, £3,460 This isn’t nearly as bad as the pants (although the fact that we can’t help but imagine them together will…

Style Trial | Unusually embellished denim

We realise we’re fighting a losing battle here, but we firmly believe that denim is almost always at its best when its kept nice and simple. We don’t object to a bit of distressing, and it might surprise you to know that we don’t even TOTALLY hate the look of ripped jeans. (Just as long as it’s not taken to ridiculous levels…) What we can’t really bring ourselves to love, however, is THIS kind of thing: House of Holland ripped jeans, £195 Now, we’ve seen worse, we’ll give you that. Especially from House of Holland. In fact, to be completely honest, these are really quite restrained from House of Holland. They’re also veering dangerously close to ‘subtle clown costume’ territory,…

A contender for the Fashion Criminal of the Year Award

Buy It First things first: there IS no Fashion Criminal of the Year Award. Because we don’t believe anyone should be allowed to profit from crime. If there WAS an award for the fashion crime to end all fashion crimes, however, we reckon this jumpsuit would definitely be a contender. Where do we even start with this one? Let’s see… 01. It’s a Stuck-Together-Clothes Crime. On multiple counts. A shir, stuck a sweater, stuck to leggings, stuck to stirrups… Speaking of which: 02. STIRRUP PANTS. 03. Leggings are not pants: never, ever forget… 04. The Unacceptable Use of Animal Print. We’ll overlook animal print on shoes and other accessories – maybe even on the odd coat, if we’re feeling generous. We…