Crimes of Fashion

The Worst Onesies | Adult Onesies and Why We Hate Them

penguin onesie

Peguin onesie

Despite the best efforts of The Fashion Police, it seems the adult onesies trend continues to thrive. Just a few days ago, in fact, we received a press release informing us that a onesie is “the perfect Christmas gift” for “everyone on your list”, and we wanted to weep at the thought of all of those people excitedly ripping open their gifts on Christmas day, only to discover a giant babygrow shaped like a dinosaur inside. Oh, the humanity!

We WANTED to weep. We didn’t, though, because we’re well aware that we stand (more or less) alone on the issue of adult onesies. We’ll continue to fight the good fight against them, but the fact is: most of you are going willingly to The Other Side. Even people we would generally describe as stylish are starting to parrot, “But they’re so comfy!” and “It’s fun to dress like a toddler!” and when that happens, we know all hope is gone. We’d argue with them, but we can’t take someone seriously when they’re dressed as a giant penguin, so we’ll quickly lay our thoughts out for you, instead.

Why do The Fashion Police hate adult onesies?

1. Because, contrary to popular belief, we don’t believe they’re the only option if you want to be warm and comfortable. “But they’re soooo comfy!” goes the argument, from people for whom comfort appears to be some kind of mysterious, elusive state, attainable only if dressed like a baby. (Seriously: are we REALLY the only people who feel perfectly comfortable in our normal clothes? Are the rest of you all wearing corsets and farthingales every day? Because onesie lovers make it sound like the simple act of getting dressed is something akin to torture, and that the only escape from it is a bunny suit with a special flap in the ass to allow you to use the bathroom.) These people have never heard of sweat pants? Because sure, they’re not stylish either, but at least they don’t make you look like you’re probably wearing a diaper with them. “You should try it, you’ll never look back,” they say smugly to anyone who dares to dissent, as if the rest of us have never known what it is to feel comfortable or warm, and the sensation of being swaddled in cheap polyester will just blow our tiny minds. Honestly, though, we’d rather go naked than wear a onesie, and we bet it would be just as “comfy”, too…

2.  Because adults dressed as children scare us. Yes, we admit it: our dislike of the Dress Like a Toddler trend, of which adult onesies are a big part, has a lot to do with the fact that seeing adults dressed as babies, well, it kind of freaks us out. We don’t claim this is rational of us, but we have to be honest, and admit that if we were sitting here writing this while wearing a penguin costume, with the crotch at the ankles, we probably wouldn’t be running to answer that unexpected knock on the door. (We probably wouldn’t be ABLE to run, now we come to think of it…)

3.  Because we don’t accept that it’s impossible to have fun, or have a sense of humour, unless you’re dressed in a fuzzy animal costume.

4.  Because we know that when people get really into a trend like this, it’s not long before they want to start wearing it in public. You may be sitting there right now, getting all wound up and ready to tell us that what people wear in their own homes is their own business, but we all know that if they’re wearing them at home, they’ll soon be wearing them OUT of the home, too. [See: pyjamas in public] And honestly? THAT’S really none of our business either. We’re not real, remember?  If we WERE real, however, we would totally put a stop to the adult onesies, and here are the ones we’d arrest first:

tie dye adult onesieTie-dye adult onesie

In addition to falling foul of our statute on dressing like a toddler, we’re also arresting this one on Migraine-Inducing Colours charges…

kangaroo onesie

This kangaroo onesie even comes with a baby ‘roo in its pouch, which we guess Onesie Lovers will argue makes it “cosier” or “more comfortable” or something. Really, though, we all know it’s just there because you want to be dressed like a toddler. If you’re wearing a cuddly toy, don’t even TRY to tell us it’s “sooo comfy!” or that you “just don’t care what you look like: you have better things to think about than clothes!” – you’re actively choosing to wear it because you think it looks good, and that makes you fair game for Fashion Police arrest.

adult onesies

These ones glow in the dark. So that you can continue to admire your toddler-like partner even after the lights go out. TELL US THESE PEOPLE DON’T LOOK LIKE THEIR MUMS DRESSED THEM FOR A PLAY DATE. TELL US. We dare you.

Sorry, we got a bit carried away there. As we said above, The Fashion Police aren’t real, so obviously those of you who love your onesies are free to wear them as much as you please: we will not stop us. We don’t think you’ll ever convince us to join you, though, although you’re more than welcome to try…

 

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