Crimes of Fashion

The Long and the Shorts of It: our weekly fashion crime roundup

It may be just a few days since our last Crimes of Fashion roundup, but we’re sure you’ll agree it would’ve been irresponsible of us to allow this particular item to go free for even one more day:

studded dip-dye shorts

Studded shorts, £95

Studded. Dip dye. Shorts. If ever there were four words which should never appear together in the same product description, those four would be the ones. Add in the fact that these are ACID WASH shorts which have been subjected to the dip-dyeing/studding crimes, plus the super-short nature of the beasts, and we think we have ourselves a style emergency here. At first glance you might have been excused for assuming these were from Hot Topic, or some other purveyor of so-called “alternative” style, but nope, they’re by Bitching and Junkfood, and you’ll find them at good ol’ ASOS. Only one thing could possibly make them look worse:

suspender shorts

Harness shorts, £85

Yup, it’s a harness. It’s our opinion that a harness can make ANY item of clothing look considerably worse, but this particular harness makes the model look like she’s about to abseil down a tall building: a look that’s only really appropriate if you ARE about to abseil down a tall building.

With that said, let’s go from one extreme to the other: from the super-short to the very, very long:

red trousers with extra long hem

Gareth Pugh trousers, £1332

Well, they’re certainly dramatic, we’ll give them that. We like a bit of drama in our outfits, from time to time. We also like to actually be able to WEAR our outfits, though, and unless you have a couple of lackeys with you at all times, to part the crowds in front of you and make sure no one gets too close, we just can’t imagine ever getting our £1332 worth out of them, somehow. Imagine them in a crowded nightclub, for instance. Or walking down the street. You’d have clean floors, but very, very dirty pants.

But back to the shorts. And speaking of shorts, did you hear the Emperor got some new ones?

model in see-through shorts

Sheer shorts, $45

In their meagre defence, these ones ARE only $45, compared to the more expensive fashion crimes above. Still, that’s $45 that won’t fool anyone into thinking you’re NOT just walking around in your swimsuit. When WILL the Emperor learn?

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