Frankenshoes are what happens when good shoes and bad fashion collide. These aren’t just ugly shoes: they’re footwear monsters, which will haunt your nightmares, and possibly spoil your dinner. OK, not really: they’re just ugly shoes. Here are a few pairs that have tripped our fashion crime radar lately…
Look, far be it for us to suggest that all footwear should be practical. Far from it, in fact. As far as we’re concerned, a 4″ heel is “low”, and platform wedges are what you wear if you want to give your feet a rest. So we GET the idea of shoes that are pretty-but-impractical. Where do you draw the line with “impractical shoes”, though? Well, how about when the hair on your shoes requires more styling products than the hair on your head? Or just when there’s HAIR on your shoes, maybe? [Buy them]
Melissa ‘Bare Foot’ ballet flats
One of the great things about shoes is that they prevent you having to walk around barefoot in public. When your shoes are actually designed to make you look like you’re doing exactly that, we’re going to suspect them of being … maybe not crimes of fashion, exactly, but certainly ugly shoes. You’re going to tell us you love these, aren’t you? Will you still say that when we point out that the peep toe will make you look like you have an extra toe floating somewhere above your big toe? We can’t help but think that extra toe will look just a little bit out of place, but we’d be happy to be proved wrong on that… [Buy them]
Alice + Olivia ‘Stacey’ face pumps
Look, we’ve tried, but we just can’t learn to love shoes with faces. OK, we haven’t tried THAT hard. Not hard AT ALL, actually. We don’t believe you should have to TRY to like anything: you either like it or you don’t. Or, as some of our haterz would have it, you either like EVERYTHING or you’re obviously fat and ugly and just JELUS of the people who’re able to pull it off.
Could you pull any of these shoes off, do you think? Or are you fat, ugly, jealous people, like us?