Fashion Crimes of the Week: the ugliest clothes ever

Ugly shoes with fish scales

A quick look at some of the ugliest clothes we arrested this week…

That’s right, Fashion Police officers: it’s Friday afternoon, which means it’s time to take a look back at some of the ugliest clothes we came across this week. These are the items currently languishing in our holding cells: it’s up to you to decide whether we should book ‘em, or set them free. Are they the ugliest clothes of the week?

This week we kick off with the Calvin Klein shoes shown above. This is an item which has been evading capture for a while now, because while these might not quite measure up to some of the ugliest shoes of 2012, they’re already some of the clumsiest looking hooves of 2013. Also, they have a face:

Ugly silver shoes with a face

Clothes and shoes with faces aren’t ALWAYS crimes of fashion, of course, but we can’t deny that some of the ugliest items out there DO seem to be staring back at us when we look at them, and once you’ve spotted a face on your shoes, it simply can’t be unseen. Mind you, this one IS kinda cute, so maybe some of you will consider that to be a mitigating factor? If you do, you must vote to set them free. And if you don’t, well, it’s a good job we currently have them under lock and key, huh?

VERDICT: They’re watching us. It’s probably best that we deal with THEM, before THEY deal with US…

Some weird dress / dungarees hybrid

SUSPECT # 2: Azumi and David ‘Dungaree’ dress

We know many of you adore Azumi and David, and their trompe l’oeil pieces, and we can’t deny that they’re clever and creative. Just because something’s clever, though, doesn’t mean we want to wear it, and we can’t imagine a single situation in which we’d ever think, “Gosh, I wish I was wearing a saggy t-shirt, but LOOKED like I was wearing a pair of acid-wash dungarees!” so we’re going to pass on this one.

VERDICT: It’s a garment that can be described using the phrase “Dungaree dress”. What do YOU think we’re going to say here?

Half denim half leather jacket

Suspect # 3: Half-and-half denim by Ashish

We may not be able to think of an occasion where we’d want to wear acid-wash dungarees, but we can’t even COUNT all the times we’ve wished half our bodies could wear denim, while the other half was in leather or sequins, seriously. OK, yes, we can: ZERO times. Someone please explain to us what kind of dress code calls for bleached denim AND sequins. Honestly, maybe if they’d gone with dark denim, that would at least be a bit dressier, and then this item would make total sense? Haha, no it wouldn’t! This item would never make sense, and it also costs more than $1000: that’s why it’s going straight to Fashion Police jail, with all of the other ugliest items in the world.

VERDICT: As guilty as only a pair half denim/half sequin pants can be.

Suspect #4: Chaser vent-back tee

Weird tee with holes in the back

OK, this one isn’t criminal so much as it’s just plain ANNOYING. How many times have you picked something up, thinking, “Oh, hey, a basic black long-sleeved t-shirt: that’ll come in handy!”, only to turn it around and realise it’s got some stupid detail on the back, like a lace panel, say, or THREE GIANT HOLES, which render it basically unwearable for all but the “edgiest” of us? And what kind of bra would you wear with this, anyway? It may not be one of the ugliest clothes we’ve ever seen, but our tolerance is low for this kind of nonsense, so step up to defend it now, unless you want it to be carted off to jail forever.

VERDICT: Probably not one of the ugliest items out there. Still annoying.

Weird Lemon and floral boots

Suspect # 5: Dolce & Gabanna floral print boots

There’s probably a lot to be said about these boots, but our eyeballs are burning right now, and we don’t get paid enough for this, so… You’re going to say you think it’s a cool print. Fine, whatever. We’re going to say, “Pass us the eyeball bleach on your way to free them, thanks….”

VERDICT: Could be curtains. 

And there you have it: some of the ugliest clothes to trigger our fashion crimes detector this week. ARE they crimes of fashion, though? You tell us:

Are these the ugliest clothes of the week?

2 Comments

  • Reply February 19, 2013

    Rock Hyrax

    The Mousifying of those sandals is a definite improvement. But the D&G boots have just brought my nausea back…

  • Reply February 28, 2013

    Claudia

    It’s fun to make outfits out of them. Wear the sandals with the dungaree dress and throw the jackalope jacket over it. Fold down the shaft of one boot to use as a clutch bag. The leftover pants-and-sweater combo will be comparatively boring, but you can always turn it front to back to render things a bit more interesting…

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