Welcome to the Fashion Crimes of the Week: our weekly roundup of all the items our officers arrested over the past few days...
Kicking off our round-up this week, it's our old friends at ASOS, with the item shown above, which s the kind of over-sized, comfortable nightshirt any Edwarrdian gentleman would be proud to own. The trouble is, of course, that it's NOT a nightshirt: it's a dress. And we're NOT Edwardian gentlemen, are we? So where would we wear this item, we wonder? And why would we wear it with white ankle socks and a pair of thick-soled creepers, if we did? (Actually, why would we wear ANYTHING with white ankle-socks and creepers?) It's a fashion mystery, officers. The model looks every bit as startled by it as we are. And look, we're not saying all clothes must be form-fitting and figure-flattering - not at all. It DOES help for them to look like they actually belong on the person who's wearing them, though.
Suspect # 2: Adidas by Jeremy Scott poodle sneakers
We don't expect much from the Adidas by Jeremy Scott line. In fact, what we expect is pretty much what we GET, these poodle sneakers included. Despite our belief that Jeremy just does this to wind us up now, though, we don't feel we can afford to turn a blind eye to these fashion crimes, because there's "whimsical" and there's "dressing like a toddler". We think only toddlers should wear pink poodles on their sneakers: what about you?
VERDICT: Dressing like a toddler is always a crime of fashion
Suspect # 3: Charlotte Olympia 'Poodle Pandora' bag
OK, what is it with the poodles this week? Did we miss a memo about them being "like, totally hot" or something? This one is called "Pandora", and we'd venture to suggest that when you're accessories have their own names, you're probably in danger of being dressed like a toddler. It would be wrong of us to lock up Jeremy Scott's poodle, but allow Charlotte's to walk free, and yet we have a feeling some of our officers might want to argue for its innocence. Do you?
Suspect # 4: Jeffrey Campbell 'Highlite' platform sneakers
Clowns are scary, aren't they?
VERDICT: SCARY CLOWN SHOES OMG
Suspect # 5: Scary Socks
What you're looking at here is not, as we first thought, socks which are designed to exactly match the shoes, but patterned socks being worn with totally transparent shoes.
That doesn't actually make it any better, does it? In fact, it might actually make it worse, because what that sentence essentially says is, "They're fashion crimes being worn with fashion crimes".
VERDICT: We're scared. Hold us.
Suspect #6: Creatures of Comfort 'Helena' trouser-shorts
When we first arrested these, we thought they were pretty ugly. Compared to the socks above, though, they actually don't look nearly as bad as they once did, and the poodle bag is starting to look downright cute. Even so, these are trousers-pretending-to-be-shorts, and they also make the model look like she's developing some kind of weird rash, so we still suspect them of committing crimes of fashion.
VERDICT: Guilty of impersonating shorts and reminding us of polystyrene
Now it's over to you, officers: what are your verdicts on the suspects which stand before you? Are they innocent or guilty?