The Fashion Police have arrested hundreds of items of clothing in the years we’ve been policing the world of fashion. Our cells are pretty crowded. Not all crimes of fashion are created equal, though. Some items are guaranteed life imprisonment in The Fashion Police jail, just by virtue of their very existence. These are the clothes that are just never going to win us over, no matter how hard anyone tries to argue for their innocence. They are the unforgivable fashion sins. They’re the Fashion Police’s Ultimate Fashion Crimes.
And here they are…
1. Harem Pants
[All items available at Yoox.com]
If you’ve been reading this site for any length of time at all, you won’t be even remotely surprised to see harem pants topping our list of Ultimate Fashion Crimes. There are absolutely no redeeming features to these pants, and we have yet to see a single person look good in them. With the ability to distort the body (often with unintentionally hilarious consequences) and make their wearer appear to be wearing a very full diaper underneath their clothes, harem pants are the fashion crime to end all fashion crimes.
Please do not approach these pants, readers: they may be dangerous…
Yes, we know: they’re SOOOO comfy! But look: we’re The Fashion Police. We’re here to decide what looks good, not how “comfy” ugly items of clothing are. Also: we don’t care how comfortable your Crocs are. “Comfy” is not an excuse here. LOTS of shoes are comfortable. Lots of them. And almost all of them will look better than a pair of Crocs, we promise. Your choice is not “wear Crocs or be in excruciating pain”. (Um, unless you have some kind of foot issue that means you can literally only wear Crocs, in which case you’re out of our jurisdiction because, once again, our job is to judge items on their attractiveness or otherwise…) There are other ways, people. There are other shoes. And Crocs make everyone look like garden gnomes, which is why, comfy or not, they’re earned their place on our ultimate list of fashion crimes.
3. Completely sheer clothing
Shants, shresses, er, shhirts: we don’t care what it is, if we can see your underwear – or what’s under your underwear – through it, it’s a crime of fashion, and we will not hesitate to arrest it. Clothes are not supposed to be invisible. The only person who gets to wear invisible clothes is The Emperor… and we all know what happened to him…
4. Impostor Footwear
If you want to wear shoes, buy shoes. If you want to wear boots, buy boots. If you want to wear shoes with socks, buy shoes AND socks, and then wear them together. It’s not rocket science, folks. Whatever you do, though, don’t buy something that looks like a prosthetic leg: not only is it a crime of fashion, it’s also completely unnecessary, because we’re sure even the most fashion challenged amongst you are able to pair shoes and socks together without having to pay a fashion designer to do it for you. And wouldn’t you prefer to be able to wear those two items separately sometimes, rather than having them permanently stuck together? Thought so.
5. Visible thongs with low-rise jeans
[Originally arrested here]
OK, this one isn’t so much a particular item of clothing, as it is a way that certain items of clothing tend to be worn. We’re talking here about the combination of low-rise jeans and thongs, when the thong rises high, high above the level of the jeans, leaving it on display for all to see. People, put the thongs away. No one wants to see them. No, not even that special diamanté-trimmed one you bought especially to wear with those low-riders. Keep the visible thongs for the bedroom: the world will thank you for it. Or if not the world, The Fashion Police certainly will…
[Originally arrested here]
Oh wow, look at you with your Louis Vuitton bag/ obnoxiously logo’d t-shirt/Chanel something-or-other: we are so totally impressed with your conspicuous consumption! Only, not really, because tons of highly visible logos are what people without style use to convince themselves they have it. “IT’S DESIGNER, so it MUST be stylish!” is the line of thinking here, and the argument “BUT IT’S DESIGNER!” carries no more weight with The Fashion Police than “BUT IT’S COMFY!” (See: ‘Crocs’ above)
7. Pyjamas in public
[Originally arrested here]
Pyjamas are great, aren’t they? They keep you warm at night, and they prevent you having to lounge around your house naked. (Unless you want to, obviously.) But pyjamas are not for wearing in public. They’re just not. No, seriously: they’re not. Now go and put some REAL clothes on before we’re forced to arrest you, too…
8. Leggings as Pants
We’ve said this until we’re blue in the face, but we’re going to keep on saying it, because it’s important: leggings are not pants. They never have been, they never will be, and the wearing of leggings as pants will always be a crime of fashion. People, there is no shortage of ACTUAL pants here: please, buy some and wear them. Wear leggings as leggings, wear pants as pants, and no one gets hurt or arrested. Easy, isn’t it?
9. Reader’s Choice
We’re going to be updating this post every now and again, when a new Ultimate Crime comes to our attention. If there’s something you think we’ve missed, feel free to add your suggestions: after all, one woman’s crime of fashion is another woman’s Most Wanted…