Fashion Criminals may dress badly, you see – that’s a given – but at least their style is their own. Fashion Victims on the other hand, have no style. So devoid are they of anything resembling personal taste, that they will blindly follow any trend that’s presented to them, regardless of whether it looks good on them or not. THEY are the people the magazines are targetting when they publish all of those articles on how to wear this season’s “difficult trend” (the rest of us just don’t bother to wear it if it’s that “difficult”). THEY are the ones who constantly use the phrase “bang on trend”, and THEY are the ones who can always be relied upon to pop up in the comments thread of any Fashion Police post and say, “But IT’S DESIGNER!” or “These were on aaaaaaalllllll the runways this season!” as if that means the item in question cannot POSSIBLY be anything less than perfect.
The sad fact is, the Fashion Victim actually believes these things. Because they don’t have any style of their own, they rely on the presence of a designer label to tell them whether or not an item is acceptable. The more expensive it is, the better, and if it has a visible logo, so much the better: that will allow other people to see that the item is OMGDESIGNER, too.
A Fashion Victim, yesterday
Because of this label-lovin’ tendency of the Fashion Victim, we’ve chosen to illustrate our Fashion Victim Halloween Costume with a bunch of random items, all of which have one important thing in common: visible logos. Don’t want to rush out and buy a few thousands pounds worth of Louis Vuitton? We don’t blame you. Don’t worry, though: you can easily put together a Fashion Victim Halloween Costume using items you already own. All you’ll need is an old t-shirt you no longer need, a sharpie, and the ability to draw a designer logo with it. (The Louis Vuitton ‘LV’ or interlinking Chanel ‘Cs’ are easy ones, but if you can’t draw, simply print out the logo on a piece of paper and stick it to your t-shirt.) Add logos to t-shirts, bags, hats, jewellery: if you can somehow attach a logo to it, it can become a Fashion Victim accessory!
For a more subtle variation on this theme, simply pick a few current trends, as pretend that they’ve all attacked you at the same time. The Fashion Victim, for instance, will be totally into colour blocking right now, because colour-blocking is “bang on trend”. The Fashion Victim will love 70s style, because 70s style is, like, SO this season, dontchya know?
Comfortable, elastic waistband? Loud, plaid pattern? Yes, we’re dealing with a Pyjamas in Public situation, folks: can someone call in the special forces?
Designer PJs have always puzzled and appalled us. For one thing, you’re paying $365 for a pair of PJ bottoms, when you could get exactly the same look for a mere fraction of the price at Target. Or, you know, anywhere else that sells ACTUAL sleepwear. For another thing? You’re out in public in your pyjamas. Or, at least, you look like you are. Those stilettos are fooling no one, sister: wear these, and you may as well not bother getting dressed at all – just roll out of bed, slip on some shoes, and you’re out the door!
OK, we get that she’s wearing flip-flops and carrying her shoes because she’s on her way out of the nail salon, but why is Kourtney Kardashian wearing her nightgown? Did she spend the night there? Is this some new thing?
Our thanks to Fi for alerting us to existence of this stripey unitard: we’ve now placed an order for a joblot of these, which we’ll use as the new uniforms for the Fashion Criminals incarcerated in our jail. Punishing bad fashion with MORE bad fashion: it sounds a little bit backwards, but it works! And surely no one would enjoy being made to dress like THIS, hmmm?
(We highly recommend taking a look at this item on the ASOS website, by the way, and viewing the catwalk video: the poor model just radiates embarrassment, and no wonder…)
This, of course, is the other side of the saggy jumpsuit coin, which we investigated yesterday. Jumpsuits can be sad and saggy, you see, but they can also be way, WAY too tight and figure-hugging. Is there a happy medium with the jumpsuit? We honestly doubt it, but if you think you’ve found a way to make these work, we’d love to hear about it…
For the next in our series of Fashion Police inspired Halloween costume ideas, we present… The Fashion Criminal!
Now, we COULD give you a list of suggested items to use for this costume… or we could just direct you to our fashion crimes archive. Or to any street, in any city around the world, where you will find endless inspiration from the fashion criminals who pass you by. If you really need some ideas, though, the items which are arrested most often here at TFP include:
Drop-crotch pants: well, d’uh!
Crocs
If you don’t want to wear Crocs: peep toe boots, or almost anything by Jeffrey Campbell will do.
Sheer clothing without the appropriate undergarments.
Any item of clothing which is attached to any other item of clothing.
Or, of course, you could also choose to go for some classic Crimes of Fashion: socks with sandals, nude hose with open shoes, a visible thong protruding from the top of your too-small jeans… the opportunities are endless. If you can’t create the costume from your own closet – and we really hope you CAN’T – hit up the thrift store and purchase anything that doesn’t match and looks TERRIBLE. Add a pair of handcuffs, available almost anywhere at this time of year, and you’re done. And remember: we have a special amnesty on Crimes of Fashion on Halloween itself: wear any of your costume items before or after, however, and we just might arrest you…
Oh, God, here we go again… No matter how many times we think we’ve managed to rid the fashion word of the Footwear Impostors which plague it, up pops another pair of boots which are oh-so-cleverly disguised as a pair of shoes. It’s a losing battle, folks, seriously.
Now, we’ve made all of the arguments against this terrible practice before: if you want to wear socks and shoes, why not just BUY socks and shoes; what about if you want to wear the shoes with something other than black socks, etc, etc – so in the case of these Sergio Rossi boots, we’ll simply note the saddest point of all, which is that the shoes themselves are actually quite nice. This makes us feel sorry for them. What did they ever do to deserve this, ending up stuck to a pair of boots? They didn’t deserve it. And now they will forever be stuck to those boots: they will never grow up, and be worn with different combinations of hosiery – or even no hosiery – like all of the other shoes in the closet. It’s a tragedy, and one that’s happening all too often these days. Perhaps we need to start some kind of campaign to help both them, and the countless other shoes like them. FREE THE SHOES, everyone: you know you want to!
(If you just want to buy the shoes, meanwhile, you can click here to do it. Just be aware that it’ll cost you £839, and they’ll come with a pair of boots attached…)
Today, readers, we’re officially opening a file on shapeless jumpsuits, like the one shown above. These items are an enemy of the people. They are an enemy of style. They’re an enemy of hips, waists and legs, and this is true no matter what size your hips, waist and legs are, because we can think of no shape that would be flattered by this item. The model’s shape isn’t flattered by it, for instance, and she’s a model: imagine how the rest pf might look in it? (On second thoughts, don’t. We don’t even want to wear this in other people’s imaginations. That’s how bad it is.)
We’re not saying all jumpsuits are bad. We’re not saying all clothes have to be form-fitting. We’re simply saying that there’s a special place in Fashion Police jail for shapeless, saggy, Teletubby-style suits: and this one is the newest occupant of that place.
Are you sick of reading the phrase “It’s almost Halloween!” yet? We are. It’s too bad, though, because we’re going to subject you to it a few more times this week, as we share with you some Halloween Costume ideas which will allow you to express your love of fashion – or your fear of it, if you prefer. After all, what could be scarier than some of the fashion trends we’ve showcased here over the years? We rest our case.
We’re kicking off with our personal favourite: The Fashion Blogger. It’s our favourite because, as fashion bloggers ourselves, let’s just say we didn’t have to look too far for our inspiration here… (Also, and for the avoidance of any doubt, please note that we’re not saying there’s anything wrong with wearing any of these items – well, except maybe the hipster glasses – just that they’re things we associate with fashion bloggers.)
You will need:
1. Hipster glasses. You will find these almost anywhere. If all else fails, head to the supermarket, buy a pair of those non-prescription reading glasses, and poke the lenses out. Remember that when it comes to hipster glasses, “The bigger, the better” should be your maxim.
2. A topknot Take the opposite approach to the hipster glasses: you want the topknot as small and tight as possible for true fashion blogger effect.
3. Macarons They’re the new cupcakes, dontchya know?
4. Fashion blogger clothes We’ve used a pair of trashed cutoffs to illustrate this part of the outfit, but really anything goes. Things you may want to consider include: colorblocking, layering, “arm parties”, Modcloth dresses – let your imagination run wild here.
5. Jeffrey Campbell ‘Lita’ boots If you actually ARE a fashion blogger, you’ll already own these. If you’re not, and you don’t want to buy them (and we don’t blame you: it would be like selling your soul to Satan, wouldn’t it?), any pair of super-clunky shoes will do.
6. Boyfriend-with-a-camera Your BFWAC should photograph you all night. If you can’t find someone willing to do this (and this time we don’t blame THEM), simply set up a tripod and pose in front of it: voila!
7. An iPhone Live-Tweet the entire party. Because it doesn’t count if it’s not recorded on the internet, you know?
Fashion Blogger Behaviour for Added Authenticity:
Just to make your Fashion Blogger Halloween Costume that little bit more realistic, you may want to adopt the following behaviourisms for the duration of your costume party:
1. Adopt a pigeon-toed stance at all times.
2. Tell anyone who will listen that your outfit is “remixed”.
3. And also “thrifted”.
4. Touch your hair, stare at your feet, or stare wistfully into space. Do this aaaaallll night.
A Fashion Victim, yesterday
