So, did you all have a good Labor Day weekend, American friends? Actually, don’t bother answering that: we have no time for smalltalk, there’s just So. Much. Fashion. to look at from the Venice Film Festival, we need to get right onto it, STAT.
Some points arising from the evidence presented in the gallery below:
1. Kate Winslet is SMOKIN’ hot these days. 2. We can’t believe we just wrote the phrase “smokin’ hot. 3. She totally is, though. 4. Gwyneth Paltrow = also looking better than she has in years. 5. Long, ivory coloured gowns would seem to be The Thing right now for the red carpet.
It’s Monday morning, and The Fashion Police have some mysteries to solve. Namely:
Mystery 1. The mysterious case of the missing skirt This model. Why is she out in her knickers, plus a tulle underskirt? What happened to her skirt? Is there some kind of evil Skirt Snatcher plaguing Fashion Land? Does he – or, indeed, she, because fashion crime can be committed by anyone, people, remember that – have any connection to our old nemesis, The Foot Snatcher? We’re going to open a file: if you hear of any snatched skirts, remember to call The Fashion Police…
We’ve got that Friday Feeling. And when you work for The Fashion Police, that Friday Feeling basically translates as “we feel like looking a photos of celebrities are wearing, because that’s always a good way to pass time while we’re waiting for the working day to end”.
So let’s just do that, shall we?
Here’s a quick look at what our famous friends and enemies wore this week…
Last week, thanks to our readers, we learned that a male “camel toe” is called a “moose knuckle”.
Today – and also thanks to our readers, because this one was reported by concerned citizen, Sarah – we found out what a really bad moose knuckle looks like:
OK, so that’s not what it actually is. But it’s what it made us think of (maybe we’ve just been spending too much time around the prisoners in the Fashion Police Jailhouse?). Why in the world would you want your dress to have an appendage? The two arms is more than enough for us, thanks, we have no need of a long trunk reaching to our ankles: and actually, now we come to think of it, given that the model is probably at least 5″9, probably more, it might just reach the floor on some of the rest of us.
Now that we’ve lowered the tone here, let us just lower it a little bit more, by showing you the epic camel toe we found after Sarah led us to the BooHoo.com website:
A reader drew our attention to these DSquared2 ‘Skate Moss’ boots, and thus simultaneously drew our attention to the fact that sometimes truth really is stranger than fiction.
These appeared on the DSquared2 runway earlier this year, prompting us to chuckle indulgently to ourselves and remark that what happens on the runway STAYS on the runway. Not this time, though: these will go on sale at Zappos later this year, priced at $1,485, so you, too, will be able to pretend you’re wearing ice skates as you walk down the street, just like a model .Or like Lady Gaga. (There’s also a knee high version, should you prefer it.)
To be fair, these are probably easier to walk in than appearances would first suggest, because you’re not balanced on a single blade, as you would be on real ice skates, but on a double one, plus a stiletto. So THAT’S OK, then. They still don’t look particularly “safe” to us, though, and The Fashion Police are trained experts in the art of walking in heels, so you can trust us when we tell you that we don’t scare easy when it comes to heels. Just ones that look like they could possibly kill a man.
Of course, the price alone dictates that not too many people will actually be seen wearing these, unless they happen to be going for shock value on the red carpet, so it’s not like they’re going to be the new Uggs, or anything like that. And we guess they could come in handy if it gets very icy this winter.
What do you think of them, though? Want a pair? They’re coming soon to Zappos: don’t say we didn’t warn you…
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There’s, er, no particular reason for you to beware of it, to be honest: we just felt like saying it. There is, however, some fashion to be judged: this premiere took place at the Venice Film Festival, and we don’t know about you, but we always feel a film festival brings out the best – and sometimes the worst – in our famous friends, who generally feel they have to step up their act a bit for the red carpet. Did they manage it this time? Take a look at the gallery and decide…
Ugg boots. We know you hate them. Because, let’s face it: OF COURSE you hate Ugg boots. God knows, you’ve told us often enough. A better question, then, is simply HOW MUCH do you hate Ugg boots? Do you think they can ever be stylish? That’s not a trick question, by the way: it’s just a question we find ourselves asking today, because as winter approaches, we know we’re about to be plunged into Ugg Hell once more.
That’s not to say that there aren’t plenty of Uggs around in the warmer months of the year too, mind you. Using the excuse that sheepskin boots are designed to keep your feet warm when it’s cold, and cool when it’s hot, many a person goes for the “Ugg boots and mini skirt” look during the summer. Or the “Ugg boots and leggings” look. Or the “Ugg boots and… just about anything, really.”
It’s in the winter, however, that the Ugg boot comes into its own. Not everyone who wears Ugg boots wears them with a sloppy, stained pair of sweatpants and a hoodie, of course. That’s just Britney’s little joke. Many people do, though: there’s just something about Uggs that encourages sloppy dressing. It’s as if people slip their feet into that sheepskin lining and think, “Oh, I’m wearing a pair of Ugg boots: I may as well give up on life.”
Don’t get us wrong: we’re not totally opposed to Uggs. It’s just that we refuse to see them as fashion items. For us, they fall into that category of items which includes running shoes and ski suits: they’re not pretty, sure, but they’re not supposed to be. They have a purely practical purpose, and so, as far as we can tell, have Uggs. They’re for keeping your feet warm on really cold days when you’re out walking your dog under cover of darkness, and you just don’t care what you look like. They’re not for throwing on with a mini skirt and declaring yourself stylish, although as soon as we publish this post, we’re willing to bet that lots of Ugg wearers will suddenly appear to tell us that we “Just don’t understaaaaaand” and we “obviously don’t know ANYTHING about FASHUN”, just like always. (We’re ready to play the Fashion Victim drinking game, if so. ) It’s not the fact that Uggs exist that bothers is: it’s the fact that people want us to view them as a fashion item, when they’re clearly just glorified (and expensive) slippers.
(Also, just to pre-empt the “don’t knock ‘em until you’ve tried ‘em” comment: the Chief of Police actually owns a pair of Uggs, and loves them for walking the dog on cold winter mornings. She just wouldn’t wear them anywhere else.)
But back to our question: do you think it’s possible to look stylish in Ugg boots? Do you own a pair? Would you wear a pair? (What if we offered to pay you? How much would it cost us?) Finally, what about these celebrities in Ugg boots? (Or in Ugg-style boots, at least: we’re not expert enough in the identification of Uggs to be able to tell which are Ugg Australia, which are Emus, etc, etc. We’d need to call in a specialisy Ugg Identification Officer for that.) Do they change your mind at all?
GALLERY: Celebrities in Ugg boots [Images: Fame Pictures]
