Five Things The Fashion Police Would Never Wear

Before we start this post, let’s just make one thing crystal clear: we don’t really believe in fashion “rules”. We don’t believe that you should never mix navy and black, for instance, or that red and green should never be seen. (If we believed in that last one, our red-haired, green-dress-wearing Chief of Police would be permanently incarcerated in the Fashion Police jail. Which would be pretty ironic, no?)

For the most part, we believe that people should wear whatever they want to, as long as it’s within the bounds of common decency. But at the same time, we all have our personal taste, don’t we? We all have those little things that we just can’t imagine ever wearing even although we wouldn’t necessarily bat an eyelid if we saw someone else doing it.

This list, then, contains five things that fall into that category FOR US. We’re not for a second suggesting that these things are crimes of fashion, or that no one else should ever do them: they’re just the silly, pointless “rules” that we impose upon ourselves for no particular reason. They’re our own little fashion foibles, in other words, and we bet you have one or two of your own, although probably not the same ones as us, which include…

1. Thick tights or knee high boots in the height of summer

This is particularly stupid of us, because the Fashion Police HQ is in the frozen North. It’s cold 99.8% of the time. But no matter how unseasonably cold it is in August, we just can’t bring ourselves to break out the opaques and boots. Don’t get us wrong: it’s not that we’re walking around in shorts when it’s pouring with rain and freezing cold. We’ll happily wear leggings, or trousers, and we have no issue with breaking out the knitwear and other so-called” wintery” clothes, but we reserve the woolly tights and the knee high boots for the actual winter, not the pretend one we sometimes get in summer.

MM6 Maison Martin Margiela. Nice boots, but not for summer.

2. Summer dresses in winter

Along the same lines as the above. Fashion magazines seem to constantly be telling is how to make sundresses winter-appropriate, usually by layering them over something else, or layering them under piles of knitwear. But we don’t want to. We prefer to keep the lightweight fabrics for summer and the heavier ones for winter. Don’t ask us why, we just do.

Vero Moda sundress. No, we don’t want to wear a long-sleeved t-shirt under it.

3. High heels with frilly ankle socks. Or any ankle socks.

Some people can pull this off and look just great. Not us. We’d look – and feel – like little kids playing dress-up with mummy’s shoes. A look best left to the young ‘uns, we suspect…

4. Anything with a drop crotch

You knew we were going to say this, of course. But we will never, ever wear anything that looks even vaugely like this:

(Click here to view the original)

Your butt just doesn’t ever need to have a face, does it?

5. Pyjamas in public

You know, if we were really ill, and we absolutely HAD to leave the house for something, them OK, we guess we can imagine throwing a coat over the PJs and hurrying back before too many people were exposed to our dishevelled night attire. But we honestly can’t imagine wearing nightwear in public deliberately, or habitually. If that makes up uptight then fair enough, we will wear that badge with pride, but we will never wear our PJs in public.

What about you? What will you just NEVER wear?

38 Comments

  • Reply July 15, 2011

    Minka

    1. I would never ever wear a jumpsuit. Ever.
    2. No drop crotch for me either.
    3. I would never be seen in Crocs outside the territory of a music festival.
    4. I would never wear see-through clothing or anything that makes my underwear visible to the rest of the world.
    5. No snuggies outside home.
    I guess these are the 5 basic things I avoid as plague. Or I’ve just forgotten about the rest of them… :)

    • Reply July 15, 2011

      The Fashion Police

      I don’t think I could even wear Crocs to a music festival. In fact, I don’t think I could even wear them for gardening, which is what I think they were designed for. They actually make me cringe when I see them!

      • Reply July 16, 2011

        Juliette

        They were designed for sailing. a) water washes through them because of the holes (no more pruney feet) b) they’re water-proof (no soggy shoes) c) they float (no more lost shoes) d) they’re light-weight and e) because of the material they’re made out of, they tend to stick to the surface of a boat even when its wet so one doesn’t slip off

        • Reply July 16, 2011

          Juliette

          I must correct myself. I wanted to be sure, so I looked it up. They were originally designed as a spa shoe. However, they were unveiled at the Ft. Lauderdale Boat Show in Florida, where they sold out (all 200 pairs). Apparently more people saw them as more applicable to sailing than to spa-ing.

          • July 16, 2011

            Chloe

            I am disabled and very unsteady on my feet, because of this I wear Crocs everyday in the shower to help me transfer between my wheelchair and shower seat and they really make a difference.

  • Reply July 15, 2011

    Nell

    Ha – my list is longer than 5…
    I’d agree with everything you said, and everything Minka said as well. But would also add:
    1.) patterned bras under white or vaguely see-through clothing
    2.) the colour mauve – it washes me out
    3.) silver and gold jewellery at the same time – I’ve seen this done really well, but for me it’s just ‘yuk’
    4.) Clumpy, flat shoes
    5.) peep toe boots

    • Reply July 15, 2011

      The Fashion Police

      Yes, I must admit, it would feel weird to me to wear silver and gold. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it and, like you, I’ve seen it done really well, but it just doesn’t feel right somehow!

      • Reply July 20, 2011

        Claudia

        To look good, all surfaces have to be either shiny or matte, and the styles have to be similar. Since silver often comes in chunky, big pieces and gold in more delicate and elaborate shapes, pieces of your average half inherited, half received as a present collection rarely go together.

  • Reply July 15, 2011

    Tali

    1) I’d never wear polka dots and/or frills. Or simply said, any “girly” outfit It just not me and while I might like it on others, I myself would feel really weird dressed like that.
    2) No crocs. Ever. Was almost given a pair of Crocs by my mom.. I had to use all the excuses available to persuade her it was a waste of money.
    3) No pyjamas outside the house. Saying that, I’m guilty of re-parking my car this morning at 7am wearing my pyjama pants and an army jacket)) but I was exposed to the public only for 5 minutes. And there was no public. Small city..
    4) Straw hat or any other oh-so-blogosphere hats.
    5) No flower-print jumpsuit.. brrr

    • Reply July 15, 2011

      Tali

      ok, I WOULD wear polka dots. But not in a girly-look context))

    • Reply July 18, 2011

      Liz in Paris

      I’m with you on the frilly/girly stuff – I’m more of an androgynous type as that’s what suits me best. Also agree on flowery jumpsuits or flowery anything in fact, although they can look cool on other people. Unlike you, I do love hats though. Oh yes. But androgynous is de rigueur.

      Other than that I agree with the others when they say no drop crotch/crocs/uggs/visible underwear and so on. Just never.

  • Reply July 15, 2011

    Catriona

    1) Ugg boots
    2) Padded gilets
    3) Leggings as trousers (these 3 can often be seen in combination…)
    4) Tracksuit bottoms outside the gym or lounging on the sofa
    5) Tights with sandals or peep-toe shoes

    • Reply July 15, 2011

      Minka

      Totally agree on leggings as pants – how could I forget about that one! I can’t even start to describe how much I hate this look!

  • Reply July 15, 2011

    naiadknight

    1) If I’d look like a little girl or a little girl playing dress-up, it won’t happen.
    2) Drop-crotch or onsies. See above.
    3) Sweatpants anywhere but the gym.
    4) Anything the ’80s rejected. This includes leggings, jelly shoes, and neon colors
    5) I have a waist, I intend to show off said waist. That means I don’t wear empire waists, blouson tops, or paper sack anything.
    6) Sparkly clothing (with the exception of evening wear.)
    7) Crocs, plain flip-flops, peep toe boots, or “hooded” sandals.
    8 ) I have a personal vendetta against an elastic waist. I don’t care if it’s ohsochic, I’ve never put one on yet that didn’t make me feel 3 or 80.
    9) Orange, yellow, or pink. I don’t look good in the first 2 and the 3rd is a personal distaste for the color.

  • Reply July 15, 2011

    valleycat1

    Add to most of the above:
    Skirts/dresses/shorts that don’t pass the bendover test.
    Low rise bottoms with high-rise thongs (or other high rise briefs, even worse!).
    Shoes that make my feet hurt, no matter how cute the shoe.
    Granny jeans or highwater pants.

  • Reply July 15, 2011

    Moni

    “5) I have a waist, I intend to show off said waist. That means I don’t wear empire waists, blouson tops, or paper sack anything.”

    I second that. My waist and butt are the parts of my body I like the most, and I just don’t feel good in any clothing that hides their shape.

    • Reply July 15, 2011

      The Fashion Police

      I third it. I never fail to look pregnant in empire waists or sack dresses – can’t stand the things!

  • Reply July 15, 2011

    krista

    1)I would never wear anything orange – I can`t imagine any piece of clothing or accessory that would look good in orange
    2)underwear as outerwear & things that are sheer and show off my underwear
    3)drop crotch bottoms
    4)over-knee boots
    5)anything in camouflage
    6)hipster ”nerd” glasses
    ahh, I could go on with this list for a long time!

  • Reply July 15, 2011

    Moni

    In addition to a lot of things that have already been mentioned:

    1.) Turtlenecks – I feel constricted in them.
    2.) Trousers with flared legs. – I would (maybe) if I had a role in “Hair”, but only on stage, and I’d take them off directly afterwards.
    3.) Twinsets – You know, these combinations of short-sleeved top and matching cardigan? Somehow they make me cringe.
    4.) Capri pants – I have a long torso and short legs already, and these make my legs look even shorter.
    5.) Anything made of fur.

  • Reply July 16, 2011

    Nikki G

    I have quite a few things I will NEVER wear:

    1. Harem pants
    2. Anything with a dropped crotch.
    3. Crocs
    4. Uggs
    5. Anything that shows off too much of my chest. I am extremely self-conscious of my “assets” and I don’t like to draw attention to that area.
    6. Leggings as pants.
    7. Peep toe boots.
    8. Fur
    9. Anything tie dyed

  • Reply July 16, 2011

    Kerry

    While there are plenty of trendy things I’ll never touch, I thought up a few of my over-arching style guidelines like you have Amber. Things that I do or don’t do due to what I’ve been taught or doesn’t work with my shape/look.

    1. Child influenced fashion – I have a big round face so can look childlike incredibly easily. Avoidance of frilly socks, jelly sandals, overalls and other such things is necessary. I don’t have objections to feminine things, just childlike.

    2. Tights and peeptoes – I know it’s cool now, the whole bright tights/socks and sandals/peeptoes thing, but it is just something I will never be able to bring myself to do.

    3. Never buy anything that displays the brand name/logo – I don’t shop for labels and never want to wear anything that is clearly from one. Nope, not even the Chanel C’s. (Not that I can afford them anyway)

    4. Mixing prints – Another cool thing I just can’t bring myself to do. I might manage as much as a stripey belt on a polka dot dress but that’s as far as I’ll go!

    5. Never leave the house without a coat – My mother was right.

    • Reply July 17, 2011

      Lauren

      I’m so with you on #3, I can’t stand gaudy labels.

    • Reply July 17, 2011

      The Fashion Police

      I’m so with you on the logos – I absolutely HATE visible logos on stuff: I feel like the brand should be paying ME if they want me to walk around with their logo emblazed on me! Also the childlike stuff – I rant here a lot about the “dress like a toddler trend” and I know a lot of women absolutely love that kind of stuff, but I just can’t understand the urge to look like a little girl!

      • Reply July 18, 2011

        naiadknight

        Yep, forgot that one. I refuse to pay a company to advertise for them.

  • Reply July 16, 2011

    Kota

    I will not:

    1. Wear clothing that is not in good repair. I don’t care HOW fashionable it is, I will NOT have rips in my jeans.

    2. Bare too much skin. I’m very sensitive to sunlight, so baring too much skin is a no-no. Short sleeves and capris are okay, but shorts and belly/breast showing tops are out of the question. I really prefer full-length pants and at least 3/4 sleeve shirts.

    3. Wear badly made clothing, i.e., the stuff that will come apart after one wearing. I buy the best stuff I can afford. If I have save up for a little while, so be it.

    4. Wear anything ill-fitting. Not only is ill-fitting clothing unattractive, it’s uncomfortable. This includes anything that doesn’t fit properly in the crotch.

    5. Wear anything uncomfortable. I don’t care how pretty it is, if it’s the slightest bit uncomfortable, I won’t wear it. Now that doesn’t mean I’m going to go ANYWHERE in pajamas. You can find beautiful, comfortable clothing in many different styles.

    6. Wear styles that are really out there. We all know what I’m talking about.

  • Reply July 16, 2011

    Suzanne Dunn

    I have to admit to wearing pj’s in public, although usually late at night and just to take the dogs for their last walk. I guess that makes this list a bit cheeky!

    I’d never consider wearing:
    Any type of white trousers
    Demin skirts
    Uggs
    Crocs

    I also don’t wear flat shoes, but mostly due to the fact that I’m short.

  • Reply July 16, 2011

    Couture Coco

    Agree with all yous, here’s my list:
    1. mini dresses or skirts – mid thigh or even tinier – why do these women bother with a skirt at all?
    2. platforms unless it’s very discreet = .5″
    3. heels higher than 4″ – looks truly stupid on petite me
    4. racer back anything – not even in the pool
    5. anything that shows too much cleavage.
    Simples.

  • Reply July 16, 2011

    Emily

    - Hair extensions. I have short hair and people suggest them to me, as though my short hair happened by some freak accident, rather than me going to a hairdresser and asking for it to be cut that way.
    - I probably won’t ever wear fake eyelashes. I’d perhaps quite like to, but they creep me out.
    - Glasses without lenses in them.

  • Reply July 16, 2011

    Lucy

    1. Flourescent stripy knee-high socks
    2. Crocs
    3. A full lycra body suit

  • Reply July 17, 2011

    Lauren

    1. Light pink and orange never work on me.
    2. Any skirts below the knee (I’m 5’3 and just feel awkward wearing it).
    3. Drop crotch
    4. Peep toe boots
    5. Uggs & crocs
    6. Anything that is loose in the midsection; it makes me look boxy.

  • Reply July 17, 2011

    Amee

    1.Heels. I bought a nice pair of steel toes that will do as dress shoes. This also applies to flats.
    2.Dropped crotch pants
    3.preripped jeans. I can ruin my own clothes just fine. I’m not paying 40$ to look homeless.
    4.skinny jeans that are my size. My only skinny jeans are a size 3, so I can move in them.
    5. Mini skirts.
    I could go on and on.

    I
    6.cowl necks. They look like vaginas.

    • Reply July 17, 2011

      The Fashion Police

      Buying pre-ripped clothes is something I will never, ever understand, especially the “designer” stuff that typically costs a fortune and is designed to look like it was dragged from a dumpster. I mean, if people want that look, fair enough, but why pay a lot of money for it?

    • Reply July 18, 2011

      naiadknight

      I can (and do, usually) rip, tear, and shred my own clothes. I don’t need designer “help.” If my clothing has an urepaired bit of damage to it, you can bet there’s a story behind it that doesn’t involve “Oh, it came like this.”

  • Reply July 18, 2011

    Gossip Tongue

    [...] Fashion on its way [...]

  • Reply July 18, 2011

    Itzel

    1. Turtlenecks- They just don’t look good on me.
    2. Crocs- the very thought of crocs makes me feel sick.
    3. Non natural fabrics – This might make me a bit of a hippie but I won’t buy synthetic fabrics. Of course I have failed to follow my own rule a few times, if I really really like something (and of course I do own tights and such minor garments)this can be overlooked but otherwise no, I won’t bother.
    4. Leather – I’m vegetarian so no leather for me :)
    5. Anything that makes me feel uncomfortable.

  • Reply July 20, 2011

    Claudia

    To most of the above I’d add:
    - high heels (due to an old knee injury, and that masochistic, tottering gait-of-pain is just not my thing)
    - boot-sandal-jackalopes
    - french manicure on my toenails, or fake nails of any kind – makes people think you are hiding diseased nails underneath
    - a perm
    - anything worn by a celebrity du jour (as if I could not make my own choices!)
    - as I am in Germany: No Dirndl dresses – ever! I always feel they are fashist.

    • Reply May 18, 2012

      Katharine

      I don’t think that Dirndls are fascist. They predate fascism (I’m assuming you’re referring to Hitler, Germany’s resident fascist in the 1930s and 40s) by centuries, and were simply the working dress of people in alpine countries. My mum is from Upper Bavaria (Oberbayern), and I do wear Dirndl – especially when attending the local Kirwa, but also for special events. However, I never understood why people who are not from Bavaria or Austria or grew up there would wear a Dirndl in the first place?

  • Reply May 18, 2012

    Katharine

    Oh, I can add many things to that list as well:

    1. Skinny jeans – I hate the look, although I am quite slim
    2. Shapeless dresses
    3. Leggings – I simply do not wear them. I particularly hate the look of leggings under skirts/dresses! Yuck!!
    4. Tights worn with sandals. If it’s too cold for sandals, then don’t wear them – full stop.
    5. Ankle socks with court shoes – What am I? A five-year-old playing dress-up with mummy’s clothing?
    6. Boots worn with bare leggs – a stupid look! If it’s cold enough for boots, my legs will be covered by trousers and/or tights.
    7. Neon colours – simply no!
    8. Visible logos – I am not a walking advert! Besides if I were to sport their logo, shouldn’t they pay me?
    9. Synthetic fabrics – I hate the way they look and feel.
    10. Fur – I am an animal lover.
    11. White trousers in autumn and winter.
    12. White shoes – I had white sandals as a little girl, white dancing shoes as a debutante, and wore white shoes for my wedding, but never again.
    13. Crocs/Uggs/platform shoes/heels higher than 10 cm – The former two because they are ugly, the latter because they are ugly and slutty. Victoria Beckham’s shoes at last year’s Royal Wedding were hideous and slutty looking.
    14. Ridiculous hats – I love hats and fascinators, but I would never wear a dollhouse or a miniature train on my head.
    15. Fingerless gloves – when it’s cold, I want my fingers protected from the elements, not sticking out to turn blue and suffer frostbite.
    16. Fake nails
    17. Blue/green/yellow/purple/grey/gold/silver nail polish. I wear red, pink or clear.
    18. Silver jewellery – it clashes with my hair and complexion.
    19. Ripped and/or dirty clothes.
    20. Anything that’s ill-fitting.
    21. Overknee boots
    22. Toeless tights
    23. Harem trousers
    24. Ethnic clothing that does not represent my heritage (e.g., I would never wear a sari. I think they are beautiful, but being blue-eyed and red-haired, I’d feel like an imposter. However, since my mum is Bavarian and I speak the dialect, I do wear a Dirndl dress.)

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