Crimes of Fashion

Fashion Police Glossary: Stuck-Together-Clothes

The Stuck-Together-Clothes Movement is a dangerous gang, members of which go around sticking innocent items of clothing to each other. What the Stuck Together Clothes Movement joins together, no man may put asunder, which means we’re forced to arrest all of these items, regardless of what they actually LOOK like.

It’s important to note that The Fashion Police do not arrest Stuck-Together-Clothes because of their appearance. Take this dress/cardigan combo from Dorothy Perkins, for instance. It doesn’t look bad, as such. If we saw someone wearing it on the street, we wouldn’t even give it a second glance. That doesn’t mean it’s off the hook, though, because these items of clothing have been stuck together. You cannot wear the dress without the cardigan. You cannot wear the cardigan without the dress. If it gets hot, and you want to remove your cardigan, well, too bad, you can’t: it’s stuck to your dress. And if you ever find yourself looking at a pair of jeans, say, and thinking, “You know, these would look great with that grey cardigan of mine,” again, TOO BAD. If you’re wearing the cardigan, you’re also wearing the dress, and seriously, folks, that’s no way to build a wardrobe, or to have fun with fashion. It also reminds us of those childhood days when our mothers would sew our mittens onto our coats, and now that we’re all grown up, we’d rather not be dressing like four year olds. (See also Dress Like a Toddler Trend, The)

This is why The Fashion Police object to Stuck-Together-Clothes. We feel we’re old enough now to be able to dress ourselves, and we don’t need fashion designers to weld our clothes together in order to help us with the complex matter of pairing a cardigan with a dress. Here are some more examples of Stuck-Together-Clothing from our cells:

You think it’s just a shirt and jeans. You’re wrong.

You’ll never forget your handbag again. Because it’s attached to your shirt.

You didn’t think they’d ever attach tights to a top, did you? If only.

Sticking your jacket to your trousers: it’s an easy way to look like a penguin. You do WANT to look like a penguin, don’t you?

It’s hard to know which necklace to wear with your plain purple t-shirt, isn’t it? Not any more.

Finally, a reader submission from our own Rock Hyrax, reporting live from the field and proving that the Stuck Together Clothes Movement gets everywhere. Even to your local Sainsbury’s.

We conclude this round-up, however, by noting that there are some incidences of stuck together clothes we can get on board with. Take this ASOS dress, for instance:

Now, technically, it’s a blouse stuck to a skirt, and we should be getting the cuffs out. We’re not, though, because as anyone who’s ever worked in an office will know, sometimes the blouse + skirt combo can be downright uncomfortable. Either the blouse keeps coming untucked, or it bunches up under the skirt, or it just hangs all wrong over the waistband. In this case, then, we can totally see the wisdom of tucking the two items together. Never let it be said that The Fashion Police aren’t completely and utterly fickle. Because we absolutely are.

What do you think of Stuck Together Clothes, readers?

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