Well, we wouldn't want to try to put these on in a hurry – and not just because we know we'd end up buckling them up all wrong, or because they'd leave our legs looking a bit like a zebra crossing from behind, but because… oh, just because. And look, we've tried, we really have. We've listened to those who describe the current trend for cut-out boots as "edgy" and "directional" and all that, and we still think they look like they've been butchered shortly before going on sale. They're not so much boots as partial boots. And, you know, for £995, we'd expect to get the whole boot, not just what was left of it after the designer got "creative".
What about you, readers? Are you buying the cut-out boot trend? If so, buy these ones, by Halston, at NET-A-PORTER
Fashion designer Jean-Charles de Castelbajac spent the night in the Fashion Police jail last night following his senseless slaughter of one Kermit the Frog, and a dozen or so of his friends.
"It's horrific," said an anonymous witness of the designer's Paris Fashion Week show. "Kermit never hurt anyone – to see him murdered like this, and some model wearing his head as a trophy – well, it's just disgusting. Won't someone please think of the children!"
The Fashion Police are investigating the matter. Kermit: rest in peace…
It’s probably just wishful thinking and a longing for summer, but yellow is another of our favourite fashion colours at the moment, and we just can’t get enough of it. It’s such a relentlessly cheerful shade, and this Giambattista Vali dress manages to be both cheerful and sophisticated, with its slim shape and tie front.
This is £1,048 from Matches -now that’s definitely wishful thinking…
Well, talk about having deep pockets! Buy this Emilio Pucci dress and your pockets will be deep both literally and figuratively, in that you’ll need a lot of spare cash to afford it: $1,690 to be exact.
What do you think of it, though? The Fashion Police sit on the fence with the “big hips” issue in fashion. Too big and it can just look cartoonish, but a little bit of emphasis on the hips can be a good thing, we think, especially if your figure isn’t naturally curvy (and you wish it was). Which side of the fence does this dress sit on, though? The silhouette is definitely dramatic, but is that in a good way, or in a bad way?
This is Sam an Amanda Marchant, a.k.a "The Twins from Big Brother". (That's the UK version of Big Brother, in case you're still scratching your head). Now, given that they're reality TV "stars", our expectations of their sartorial choices are automatically lowered anyway, but that's not important, because we're not here to talk about them, we're here to talk about their leggings: or crazily patterned leggings as a general concept.
Personally, we'd ban 'em. (The leggings, we mean. Not the twins.) Seriously, you can just imagine these two looking back at this picture in a couple of years and thinking, "Oh my God, what were we thinking?" can't you? In our book, that's generally a good indication that it's time to step away from the fashion trend in question, and this is one fashion trend we wish everyone would step away from, because we can't think of ONE PERSON we've seen making this look work. Not one.
Every time we've seen someone attempt it (and luckily those times have been mercifully few, and have mostly involved Katie Price), they've looked a little bit like a giant toddler scribbled all over them. And sure, you can try to pass it off as "edgy" or "wacky" as much as you like, but until we see evidence to the contrary, we're still going to see this as a Crime of Fashion. You?
Well, if this isn't the worst use of $10,750 we've seen, we don't know what is. No, that's not a typo, readers: this Proenza Schouler jumpsuit really does cost more than a second-hand car, which is really quite amazing considering that it has so many things wrong with it we could almost use it as a handbook for new Fashion Police recruits, to help them identify crimes of fashion.
The puffy legs, finished with elasticated ankles – that's two crimes of fashion right there. The "lowered inseam", which is just another way of saying "dropped crotch". Three crimes of fashion. The "boobs busting out of the porn star top. Four. The trashy, cut-away sides. Five. The bondage-style back:
We're up to six crimes of fashion. We still haven't mentioned the market-stall effect fabric, which takes us to seven. We could probably keep counting, but we need to go and lie down in a darkened room, so we'll leave you to get on with that without us. And seriously, we don't even care that this has, as eLuxury says, "Very exquisite Hungarian bugle bead embroidery forms elegant and iridescent crescents": all we can think of is that $10,750…
We've got to hand it to him: we may not be exactly loving his work here, but that's got to be one of the longest crotches ever made, no? Look, he's managed to get it almost to the model's ankles! That's, er, quite the achievement. It's also pretty damn useless as far as we can tell, because when your crotch is at your ankles, either you have more problems than The Fashion Police can help you with, or you're just going to look like you're wearing a long skirt. Neither of those options make us want to cough up £292, but if you do, you can buy these at Yoox.com.
Remember Victoria Beckham's heart-embellished Marc Jacobs dress? It was pretty, but maybe just a little bit OTT for anyone who isn't also known as Posh Spice, which is why we think this top from ASOS is a much more wearable – not to mention affordable – version.
This is £34.50, and has a one-shoulder design, with pretty little hearts holding it up, a gently draped front and a nipped in waist. It's also long-enough to let you wear it with skinny jeans or leggings without flashing too much belly/crotch. We like.
![Spl84879 007[1] Fashion Trends Wed Ban: Crazily patterned leggings](http://www.thefashionpolice.net/images/6a00d8341c873353ef011168c6d52b970c.jpg "Spl84879_007[1]")
![Spl33930 009[1] Wanted! ASOS heart top (lets you dress like Victoria Beckham. Sort of.)](http://www.thefashionpolice.net/images/6a00d8341c873353ef01127948269c28a4.jpg "Spl33930_009[1]")
