Crimes of Fashion, Knitwear

Crime of Fashion: The World’s Sexiest Jumper

The World's Sexiest Jumper

Now, I’m not disputing that this is, indeed, “the world’s most sexy jumper”, as the seller claims it is. No, what I’m disputing is that it’s meant to be worn like this, with absolutely nothing underneath it to stop your tits jumping out and swallowing someone…

Crime of Fashion: Jovovich -Hawk honey nylon body slip


So, I’ve been sitting here for over five minutes now trying to work out just what kind of occasion calls for the wearing of something like this, and you know what? I’m stumped. What kind of event, I wonder, would see me scratching my head and thinking, “What can I wear, what can I wear? Oh! I know! My nylon body slip! The very thing!” I mean, even just the sound of it makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up: nylon body slip. Nylon. Body. Slip. Nylon body slip. Actually? I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit…

OK, I know this is probably underwear, and I know it’s by Mila Jovovich’s always unwearable Jovovich Hawk label, but this begs an even bigger question: HOW DO YOU PEE IN IT? HOW?!

Crime of Fashion: Office’s multicolour patent shoes

Office's multicolour patent shoes

Lord, but Office has some funny lookin’ shoes in at the moment, with these being a prime example. I mean, just what the hell is going on here? They look all plasticky and nasty, like the kind of shoes you used to get in your Santa sack when you were four years old, and all that mattered was that the shoes be high, and the shoes be bright. Well, OK, these are both high and bright, I’ll give them that. They also look a little bit – dare I say it? – cheap, though, and lawks-a-mussy but they are cheap – £18 of cheap, in fact. Oh well, that explains it, then.

Crime of Fashion: Dungarees

Ugly Dungarees

Oh, good God, here we go again… Every now and again, some bright spark designer thinks “Hey! I know what would be cool! Dungarees, that’s what!” The result? The ugly ass pants you see before you. Topshop? Why would you want to inflict this upon us? I know you’re choosing to call them “wide leg braces jeans”, but you know and I know that these? Are dungarees. And we don’t like dungarees: especially not ones with big ol’ flares, so we can look like slack jawed yokels in them. All we need is the piece of straw to hang out of our mouths and we’re good to go (to the barn dance, no doubt).

People who are paying £50 a throw to wear these? Please, tell me why?

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