Dear Topshop,

I want this dress. I also want this jacket, and hell, while I’m at it, I’ll take the grey tweed shorts off your hands too. No need to thank me. No, really, there is no need to thank me, Topshop, and you you know why? Because I can’t buy any of these things – or, indeed, half of the other items currently listed on your shiny new website. Why? Because you don’t have them in stock in my size. Actually, come to think of it, you don’t have them in stock in anyone’s size, Topshop. In fact, let’s just cut to the chase here: you don’t have these clothes in stock at all, do you? DO YOU, Topshop?

So, what gives? I mean, there we were, all exited about your spanky new website! That is pretty! And big! And constantly updated with all of your stock! Except no, not really, Topshop. Be honest: you don’t sell clothes at all, do you? You’re just playing at being a fashion retailer, posting pretty pictures of clothes we can’t actually buy. Why are you doing it to us, Topshop, WHY? Are you doing it to TAUNT US? You are taunting us. We don’t like you any more. Send us stuff.

love
The Fashion Police